i've been thinking about it for a while, but last night i finally went through with it. i shaved of my pubes. i was a little hesitant about the idea at first because i thought it might look gay or feminine or at the very least pre-pubescent, not that there's anything wrong with those things, they just aren't me. I was also worried that it would get itchy down there and it would not be cool for me to be sctraching myself all the time. but being the inquisitive one, i've been asking around and it appears many females find that sort of thing appealing, and i've been seeing it alot more in porn, not that i've been looking at alot of it *ahem*. i also figure it would be a nice gesture (theoretically) not to stuff a girl's mouth full of my pubic hair, especially since she's being nice enough to suck my cock. hey it's the least i could do...

but anyway, all i had at my disposal was a panasonic wet/dry shaver so i jumped into the hot shower, got all wet and slapped the shaving gel on my pubes. since i virtually had a substantial primeval jungle growing between my legs and i pretty much had to use the long beard trimmer setting on my wet/dry which left behind some really short stubble. since my pubes are much coarser than the hair on the rest of my body it's kinda prickly down there. i may get around to shaving it totally bald using the close foil shaver if the occasion arises (in other words, if i get lucky) but given my current batting average it will probably just wind up growing all back. :/

as far looks goes, it wound up in my opinion at least, looking kinda pre-pubecent. when i look down, i'm reminded of my teenage days when my voice started cracking and changing its pitch from boy to man and the pubes started appearing... O.o part of me is uncomfortable with this change, i mean aside from the prickly stubble feeling, i cut away lots of bush which served as decent camoflauge. as it stands now, when my penis is flaccid it just seems alot smaller without the surrounding cover to divert attention. if i go swimming and some joker decides to pull down my trunks and i have water-shrinkage going on it could prove to be a humiliating experience. on the plus side when my penis is fully erect it does look much larger without all that hair detracting from it's full glory. it's all a mixed bag i guess. i'm seriously considering showing my ex my new trim. since she knows how it looked like in my uncut state, it would be interesting to say the least, to get her "objective" opinion. unfortunately there's no way of asking this without sounding like a total come-on. so maybe i'll just hold back on the show-and-tell session until a more appropriate time. =p

Anyhoo it's lunch time. I suppose food is a good enough diversion to get my attention away from the prickliness in my briefs. =p

I got this off an e-mail sent by a friend. it seems fairly accurate in describing personality traits. It's simple really, just read the traits under your birth month and see if it matches you or get the birth month of somone you know and see how it compares... :)

JANUARY

Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Homely person. Loyal. Needs to improve Social abilities. Easily jealous. Very Stubborn.

>>>----------------------------------------------------------

FEBRUARY

Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Low self esteem. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Showing anger easily. Dislike unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Learns to show emotions.

>>>-----------------------------------------------------------------

MARCH

Attractive personality. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves travelling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners.

Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.

>>>-----------------------------------------------------------------

APRIL

Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention.

Diplomatic. Consoling. Friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivate oneself and the others. Sickness usually of the head and

chest.

>>>-----------------------------------------------------------------

MAY

Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves travelling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.

>>>-----------------------------------------------------------------

JUNE

Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating.

Tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive.

Stubborn.

>>>-----------------------------------------------------------------

JULY

Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has

reputation. Easily consoled. Sometimes honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional. Temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring

and loving. Treats all others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover..

>>>-----------------------------------------------------------------

AUGUST

Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride of oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defence. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and rusty..

Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.

>>>-----------------------------------------------------------------

SEPTEMBER

Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people's mistakes. Likes to criticize. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Trustworthy, loyal and honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves sports, leisure and travelling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Choosy especially in relationships. Loves wide things. Systematic.

>>>-----------------------------------------------------------------

OCTOBER

Loves to chat. Loves those who love him or her. Loves to take things at the center. Attractive and suave. Inner and physical beauty. Does not lie or pretend. Sympathetic. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Soft-spoken, loving and caring. Romantic. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift and easily influenced. Easily lose confidence. Loves children.

>>>-----------------------------------------------------------------

NOVEMBER

Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong

clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Always opened-minded. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Prone to getting cold Loves to have attention given to as well as received. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Appreciates praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Certain in relationships. Never homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions.

>>>-----------------------------------------------------------------

DECEMBER

Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egoistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humour. Logical.

i have never laid eyes on you

i do not know your face

but all i see is your beauty

does that make me blind?

i wish the pain would keep me away

but instead i want you more

does that make me a fool?

because of you i have discovered my incompleteness

i am without breath

my heart is empty

you have turned time and distance into my adversaries

those too are faceless

why am i left to chase and struggle against faceless shadows?

how did this become my world?

i have become that which i covet and oppose

i am a breathless nothing...

unclear is my mind,
emptiness is my inside,
hardness is my cock...

-derrick

worker bees can leave
even drones can fly away
the queen is their slave

- "Jack" the Narrator - Fight Club

if a vehicle travels north at 68 mph and another vehicle is travelling south on the same road on the opposite lane at 69 mph and there is a wind coming from the northeast at 14 mph, how long will it take until i have sex? why are you looking at me like that? ok i admit it, i'm fucking horny! is that a crime? if it is just fucking arrest me. be sure to use handcuffs... ;)

AIM-LINK

It�s difficult to describe how I feel at the moment. I guess you could say I�m in a slump. I�ve been feeling down lately and my usual outlets haven�t done much to change my mood. There are a couple of things however, that I�m looking forward to and I�m actually mildly excited about. Those things are the movie X2 which is already out in theaters and The Matrix Reloaded which is due out May 15th. I may actually take that day off and catch the midnight showing on Wednesday. Gosh, I�m such a fucking geek. =p

One of the reasons I've been so down lately is that I haven�t been able to talk to her on IM the past few days. I guess I just miss her, I miss talking to her. Sometimes I wonder if she misses me too. *sigh* Anyway there�s probably no sense dwelling upon it. I should probably get back to work now...

Last sunday was a bust. the plan was to drive my ex out to IKEA and we would catch a movie, X2 after. her girlfriend came along for the ride whom I had to pick up on the way. we ran late by maybe an hour because she had to do a favor for her aunt that was in from out of town so I was just waiting for her call. This whole thing was basically a favor for my ex since her main purpose was to buy some stuff for her boyfriend's apartment. she has this long distance relationship with this guy out in detroit.

anyway IKEA is a huge warehouse type place and my ex's friend kept wandering off to god knows where, and she didn't have a cellphone. logic would dictate that one should stick to at least one of the other persons in the group with a cellphone. after we lost and found her once i kept one eye on both of them just to make sure neither wandered too far which of course kept me from finding anything for myself. it was probably a good thing though because i wasn't really out to buy anything.

After IKEA we somehow got sidetracked and went to marshall field's in woodfield mall nearby for what was supposed to be a quick stop at the cosmetics department. yeah right... my ex got what she wanted from cosmetics but her friend wandered off to wherever so my ex decided to go in the mall to aldo to get some shoes while i wait for her friend to show up in cosmetics. her friend finally came around and we were off to aldo. my ex was still trying on shoes so her friend went somewhere else again and I waited in the aldo and tried on a few sunglasses. All the styles of sunglasses were too feminine for my tastes but at least there were lots of female eye candy in that joint.

I got bored myself and left. I got halfway into the sharper image next door when she rang me on my cell. she needed a fashion opinion, thank god she narrowed it down to two choices. I told her which one I liked and she wound up purchacing it. we then waited out outside aldo for her friend to reappear. thankfully there was a sales kiosk selling high-end geek merchandise. i occupied myself by looking at the replica star wars lightsaber handles. nice but expensive as hell. her friend finally came back and we walked back to the car.

Once we got in I asked if they were still up to watching the movie. ofc they were tired and no longer up to it after all that fucking shopping. I would have been pissed but it was past 5 pm so we missed the time for the reduced matinee priced admission which was what we originally intended to catch so I just didn't argue with them anymore but still that was the reason I went out that day, I wanted to see X2 on it's opening weekend.

so not only did i get dragged through all of this nonsense, i had to deal with two female shoppers and i was the damn chauffeur and i got neither poon action or movie action which would have been my payoff for all this. when did i become such a damn bitch. my ex, i love her to death but next time i hear the words IKEA, or woodfield mall, or "can you do me a favor?" i'm just going to fucking run in the opposite direction.

i'm taking applications for a new movie partner btw. preferably someone who is open to different genres or at least is willing to compromise and alternate on the choice of movies. bah! fuck it maybe i'll start watching movies alone. that's how i'm going to spend the rest of my life anyway. why give up my one of my favorite hobbies because everyone else around me is a fucking flake? if you see some guy all by himself munching on popcorn that's probably me. anyhoo, i'm done bitching. I'm defintely seeing X2 this weekend and Matrix Reloaded the next. I'll drag my mom and sis along for the ride for those flicks at least... :)

i went to this engagement party and then to a gathering at a friend's house after that. i'll tell you one thing friends around my age are starting to get really boring. they are all getting married and having kids and thier responsibilities which i'm sure is all good for them but it's becoming just another reminder of what's lacking and/or missing in my life. I can't help but sigh at all the wilder, more fun times i left behind.

anyway i got home early and just couldn't sleep so I started writing this huge monologe about my past life as part of this diary entry, but it was so fucking boring i was fucking putting myself to sleep. I didn't want to subject anyone else to the same torture so i highlighted and deleted most of it. there's no sense in re-living my boring past. but anyway, i'll definitely need a younger woman or at least one that's young in spirit like i am. there is so much life that i want to catch up on. anyway sleep is coming back to me so i think i'll call it a night...

I was passing a mirror and i was looking at an image of myself, damn I look good. I figure the reason I'm not picking up any females is not so much my looks 'coz damn, i be lookin' fine. ;) If anything is hindering my progress towards bootie, I think it's my level of confidence. I have to approach females more frequently. Usually my smoothness comes from several martinis, but it isn't all the time I have a martini on hand. I have to find wherever that cool is coming from and be able to use it whenever opportunity knocks. One thing I've noticed i'm really bad at is closing the deal and getting the digits. I have all these really witty and charming things to say swimming in my head but I've always been reluctant to use them mostly for fear of rejection. I want to conquor that fear because it's stopping me from even trying. I have a feeling that once I do things will start turning around for me.

As for my internet "fling" it reached an equilibruim of sorts. I've done my best to let go of any unrealistic expectations while also trying my best to not harbor any resentments towards her. It's difficult to go against human nature but I'm finally beginning to accept the reality of the moment and my place in her life. Perhaps there may be a time when the space and distance will no longer be a factor, when her heart can be completely open to me, but until then it's probably best for me to just let go and to allow my heart to move on. If anything I can honestly say that it's a blessing to know her even in this limited medium of the internet. I know she has challenged me in ways nobody else has, especially in the way our friendship has developed.

It's nice to know that even in the absence of physical contact and lack of close proximity that we are still able to make an intellectual, emotional and even spritual connection so spontaneously. It restores my faith that there are things and people in this life that still I have have to experience in deeper more profound levels. Through this experience I have realized that I have so much to offer. I am starting to realize my almost infinite capacity to feel and to give love and I look forward to the day when I can find the right person and just let go and be my true nature. Tossing fear and doubt aside she will accept and embrace the whole of me with open arms just like I will with her. Until then I will continue walking and suffering the path of the lonely...

Something happened this evening that made my world a little less lonely. I discovered that my younger sister has been reading my journal. In a way I'm glad someone so close to me has had access to my innermost thoughts. Well OK I may be a little embarassed because now my sister knows how much of a horndog I am. But hey that's cool because that's me. Sis, don't worry about invading my privacy, I wouldn't post this sucker on the internet if I didn't want people to read it. =p

Anyway, I probably would have never known she was reading my journal if it weren't for the dark and emotional outbursts I've been blogging recently. Aparently it alarmed her to the point where told my mom and consequently I had to suffer though one of her endless monologues. It wasn't all that bad, I got a few insights from her about things, but when she's drunk she get's all repetititve on me and had me up past 1:00am and believe me my ass was tired when I got home from work today.

Moat of all sis, I'm sorry for getting you all scared like that. I guess my scorpio nature got the best of me and I leaned a little to heavily towards my "dark side". Once in a while I do entertain the thought of death, especially since Raymond died. It's one of the sick ways I amuse myself. Trust me it's nothing to be alarmed over, my path in life is different than Ray's and it seems I'm destined to be on this Earth for quite some time. One of the things mom pointed out to me is that I have a tendancy towards being unnaproachable. I guess I do have some kind of "invisible wall" around me that prevents people, even those that love me at a distance. I love you and I will do my best to be closer to you. Besides girls aren't so interested in dating me so I'll have a bunch of free time to work on this with you. ;)

As for my "love interest" I had a talk with her on IM. Another taste of reality I guess. It was fucking silly of me expect anything given her distance and her situation. At least we are still friends and the door is still open just in case there's a change in the situation. I'd like to think I'm a stronger, wiser and better man because of it. Most of all, I have realized that I deserve better. With the of love I have to offer, I believe it should be bestowed upon someone worthy of that gift. Anyway my mind is starting to fade so I think I'll call it a night.

Kahlil Gibran - 'The Prophet' On Love...

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."

And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."

And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

I woke up this morning. It looks like my death wish has been denied yet again. Either that or there's some holdup with the paperwork. I guess this "hell" wouldn't be complete without it's own special brand bureaucratic inefficiency, why do you think so many people die of old age? Anyway I�m still alive which means there�s some ungodly reason I need to be here.

I thought that reason was love, but since I�m getting no love nor am I giving any and quite possibly I have no idea what love is, then it must be something else. All that shit is too complicated any way, even if you have this thing called �love� there�s probably no way of figuring it all out. 99% of it is probably a bunch of bullshit anyway. I mean it�s just a feeling right? The same feeling I get when I need to scratch my balls but I just can�t get to it without it looking so blatantly obvious in public. Well ok maybe not, but it�s close enough. I�m just saying love, the truest kind, it�s not so easy to find. Besides, I have all these lower, baser needs, below my waist actually, that require immediate fulfillment. I figure I should get those out of the way before I embark on higher pursuits.

Also I promised myself I will no longer cry over a female unless she is deserving of my tears, because every time I do it make me feel like a damn bitch. It�s been difficult but I managed to fight those tears back and focus release the pain somewhere else, like this diary. If anything I�m glad I at least have this. Writing in here is so fucking cathartic, I feel better already. Anyway I had my rant so I guess that�s enough bitching for now. Time to move on, wish me luck because I know I�m going to fucking need it...

With Or Without You - U2

See the stone set in your eyes

See the thorn twist in your side

I wait for you

Sleight of hand and twist of fate

On a bed of nails she makes me wait

And I wait without you

With or without you

With or without you

Through the storm we reach the shore

You give it all but I want more

And I'm waiting for you

With or without you

With or without you

I can't live

With or without you

And you give yourself away

And you give yourself away

And you give

And you give

And you give yourself away

My hands are tied

My body bruised, she's got me with

Nothing to win and

Nothing left to lose

And you give yourself away

And you give yourself away

And you give

And you give

And you give yourself away

With or without you

With or without you

I can't live

With or without you

With or without you

With or without you

I can't live

With or without you

With or without you

there's a saying, our reality is measured through our pain. in a way it's so true. that why you ask someone to pinch you when you think it's all a dream it helps you distinguish reality. I think I have the opposite thing going for me however. I live my life feeling the pain, the lonliness, the suffering, the heartache this has become my dream or rather my nightmare and it is in those brief moments of joy, those fleeting moments of happiness however infrequent they may occur that helps bring me to reality. there are times I wish that didn't have this capacity to love. It's like I feel so empty when i'm not giving of myself.

I wish I didn't have this powerful sexual desire or at least be able to turn it off when it is not needed which has been lately. I wish for an end to all this pain i'm feeling. Why can't I feel good anymore? I just want to feel good. Is that too much to ask of this universe? of this existence? I need to release myself. I feel like a waste of space, a waste of skin, a waste of breath, a waste of tears. I just want to be free of this, free of pain. But pain misses me she drags me back into her cold arms keeps me locked in her painful embrace and does not want want to let me go. what the fuck am i talking about?

anyway yes, derrick gets rejected yet again. i don't know, i just wanted a chance, a meeting, a gesture but she couldn't give it to me, something about me living so far away. basically the same reason as always. i feel like such a damn fool. when am i ever going to fucking learn? i don't know. i think my heart was meant to break, over and over again i mean why else would it be so fucking fragile? i really want to give my heart to someone who would take care of it, i think i deserve something like that, but my radar lately has been so fucking off it's unbelievable. why is there even a tomorrow? i don't feel like facing it at all. why can't I just die in my sleep? it would be the biggest favor this universe has ever given me. but no i'll have to wake up again to this pain that has become my reality and pointlessly go through the motions throgh this emptiness with no meaning and no sense to any of it. i think it's time to lay me down to rest, i'm fucking tired of it all. fuck you very much have a nice day...

it's been days since my last update. it's been a busy weekend I guess. i spent a good part of the weekend talking to this girl i've known online since forever. the nature of our relationship is both intriging and confusing. the confusing part is that we are developing this "thing" for each other and aside from our online conversations, we barely even met. there are a bunch of other complications too like distance, the fact that she has a boyfriend that she has these feelings for and that's not even the worst part.

i think she's afraid of me at least to the point that it has prevented us from meeting thus far. i'm not sure if she is afraid i am not real or maybe that i'm all too real. i don't even know if I could answer that question myself. all i know is that i want to be with her in whatever way i can be with her but i don't want to scare her off by being so intense that it triggers her instict to run from me like she's been doing ever since i've known her. i don't want her to be scared of me. i want her to want me as much as i do her, i want her to choose me, i want her to allow me into her life because until she does my hands are pretty much tied up and i know part of her likes that. ;) Anyway i don't know what the fuck to do with all of this, but i am hungry so I think i'm gonna go and grab lunch...

This flash clip I customized from "the information minister" site made me giggle. =p

CLICK HERE NOW INFIDELS!!!

there's something that i have noticed about myself more and more often. my dreams lately have been in "flashes". kinda like the proverbial "my life flashed before my eyes" when a person is on the verge of death except the images i've been seeing have little if anything to do with my life, like surfing though the channels on your TV but all the stations are broadcasting from planet wierd. i seem to be an "active" first-person participant in some of the dreams while in others i am meerely observing in the third-person perspective. My dreams usually go in to "flash mode" when i doze off in the train or when a take an afternoon nap. I wish i could remember some of them but the imagery is so fleeting that it's difficulet to put a tab on any one of them.

anyway i've noticed something about women too. scorpio women to be exact. most of them have this hot sexy vibe that i'm almost instantly attracted to in some way. they seem to have an easier time getting in tune with my wavelegnth. and for some ungodly reason they all seem to be taken. they are loyal too, so my charm can be off the charts and is still won't have a chance in hell with any of them. if there's one constant in my experience, it's that you don't choose a scorpio woman to be your mate, she chooses you. it's quite a quandry for me because I seem to be meeting them in abundance but i have yet to get one of them into my bedroom. maybe they are afraid to go in there, who knows? it looks safe enough in there for me... ;) why can't i meet a nice picses or cancer girl? i think need some of thier glow to balance my dark energies. *sigh*

moving on, i've also noticed my own superficiality and vanity. when i walk into a room i kinda measure people up and i know that i'm one of the most attractive if not the most attrative guy in that room. unfortunately that does not give me enough confidence to open up. i expect people to come to me which of course they don't because i probably look stuck-up and unapprochable and that kind of vanity is perhaps one of my greatest downfalls. occasionally however i have just the right amount of liquor in my system, just enough to approach that cutie that's smiling at me. i was at someone's b-day party last nite held at a hotel ballroom. i went to the hotel newsstand to buy a can of red bull because i was still hurtin' from last night when I noticed this girl sitting down by herself. I smiled, she smiled back and I introduced myself and we exchanged the usual pleasantries. it turns out that she had a boyfriend and she was waiting for him to pick her up. i could tell she was interested in me but for some reason, probably the fact that she had a boyfriend, i stopped myself from being too aggressive and didn't get her phone number when I know that i SO could have gotten it with the kind of vibe she was giving off to me. i mean she was laughing at all my silly comments.

i'm not sure if this "nice guy" thing is working out so well for me. I'm stuck with this idea that i shouldn't intrude on anyone's existing relationship because i don't want to be instrumental to anybody's pain even it's some poor guy that i've never met before in my life. i guess it's because i know how it feels to be that heartborken guy that was left in the cold and it would be too hipocritical of me to bring about that unwanted pain onto somebody else. the main drawback is that path i have chosen is that I constanly leave myself out in the cold and in the back of my mind i feel i have something better to offer to these women. part of me wants to show that to them the kind of man she can be with. that i'm the guy she has been looking for all her life. one who listens, one who feels, one who cares, one who has an abundance of sexual energy, one who wants to consume and be consumed in passion, one who has the instinct and wisdom to love unconditionally, to love without jealosy or the need to control...

this is my life, this is the pain i have dealt with again and again. when will it end? when is it my turn for love? when is it my time for happiness? it's starting to feel like never and it's a huge and bitter pill to swallow. end my suffering please...

"I Try" - Macy Gray

Games, changes and fears

When will they go from here

When will they stop

I believe that fate has brought us here

And we should be together

But wer,e not

I play it off but I'm dreamin of you

I'll keep it cool but I'm fiendin.

I try to say goodbye and I choke

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not near

Goodbye and I choke

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not near

I may appear to be free

But I'm just a prisoner of your love

I may seem alright and smile when you leave

But my smiles are just a front

I play it off but I'm dreamin of you

I'll keep my cool but I'm fiendin

I try to say goodbye and I choke

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not near

Here is my confession

May I be your possesion

Boy I need your touch

Your love kisses and such

With all my might I try

But this I can't deny

I play it off but im dreamin of you

I'll keep my cool but I'm fiendin

I try to say good bye and I choke

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not near

my weekend was pretty cool, when to this loft party saturday nite and a b-day party tonite. i got my drink on, i got my smoke on and i totally got my buzz on. aside from the tiredness of partying 2 nites in a row, i'm feelin OK. i still got some buzz left in me I guess. waking up early in the morning 4 work is gonna hurt a though =/ I got a slight cough from the pack of cigs i binged on this weekend. the weed made me feel mellow though. I guess i should hit the sheets... I'll fill in more details if i remember them later... =p

I spanked it this morning and damn it felt good. The feeling didn't last very long however because I started feeling horny again this afternoon. >.< I need sex, yeah that's the ticket! LOL, easier said than done. It's not like the females are lining up to sleep with me. They should be though. ;) Seriously though, it is so on for this weekend. I plan to get my drunk on and my sick off. Hey I can't be unlucky all my life... =p

i know i've fallen for someone when every song starts reminding me of her...

I think it was when my cousin Ray died back in June 2000 when I seriously began comtemplating my own mortality. He was a year younger than I was and he was best friend I ever had and perhaps the closest thing to a brother I will ever have in my life. Without his presence in this world, my life just feels that much more painful and lonlier. From the time of his death I keep wondering about my own death. I wonder when my time will come. There are even times when I welcome death, something I wouldn't even think of doing before. It is as if the futility and the meaninglessness of life have suddlenly become more defined, more pronounced. I see myself a useless, clueless and wandering "husk" of a being clinging onto those blissful moments of the past trying to sweeten the bitterness that is my present.

It's gotten to the point where no longer look forward to the challenge and the promise of the next day. I mean why should I? It's all the fucking same, a constant repetition of the same pain and dissapointment. Yesterday is today is tomorrow, the fucking same thing over and over again. I never really told this to anybody but every night I go to sleep I pray to God I don't wake up. Of course my deathwish always goes unheard or unanswered and much to my chagrin I eventually do wake up in the morning and in my mind I curse God for making me go through another day of this living hell. When I fly I imangine myself in some midair collision or crash landing and going up in a firey blaze. When I drive I imagine my body being hopelessly crushed of its mortality amidst broken glass, plastic and steel in some horrid automobile accident. I wonder what the hell I'm doing here, in this world, still alive. I feel so fucking drained. Well anyway back my usual meaningless existance...

If You Leave - OMD (Cover by Good Charlotte)

If you leave, don't leave now

Please don't take my heart away

Promise me just one more night

Then we'll go our separate ways

With hours left time on our sides

Now it's fading fast

Every second every moment

We've got to--we've gotta make it last

I touch you once I touch you twice

I won't let go at any price

I need you now like I needed you then

You always said we'd still be friends someday

If you leave I won't cry

I won't waste one single day

But if you leave don't look back

I'll be running the other way

Seven years went under the bridge

Like time was standing still

Heaven knows what happens now

You've got to--you've gotta say you will

I touch you once I touch you twice

I won't let go at any price

I need you now like I needed you then

You always said we'd meet again

I touch you once I touch you twice

I won't let go at any price

I need you now like I needed you then

You always said we'd still be friends

I touch you once I touch you twice

I won't let go at any price

I need you now like I needed you then

You always said we'd meet again someday

If you leave

Oh if you leave

Oh if you leave

Don't look back

Don't look back

I don't know how well I could describe last night's orgasm. After a 40 day abstinence from sexual gratification, to say it felt good is probably a gross understatement. It felt so damn fucking magnificent. I must have ejaculated 3 to 4 times more than the usual amount. And afterwards I felt so relaxed and content, I really missed that feeling and I'm glad I had the chance to experience it again. It would have been nice to have someone to share all of that with, but I guess that's the way things are for the moment. I won't let that detract from the beauty of this experience.

Bizzare Love Triangle - New Order (Covers by Frente and by Stabbing Westward)

Every time i think of you

I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue

It's no problem of mine but it's a problem I find

Living a life that I can't leave behind

There's no sense in telling me

The wisdom of a fool won't set you free

But that's the way that it goes

And it's what nobody knows

While every day my confusion grows

Every time I see you falling

I get down on my knees and pray

I'm waiting for that final moment

You'll say the words that I can't say

I feel fine and I feel good

I'm feeling like I never should

Whenever I get this way, I just don't know what to say

Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday

I'm not sure what this could mean

I don't think you're what you seem

I do admit to myself

That if I hurt someone else

Then I'll never see just what we're meant to be

Every time I see you falling

I get down on my knees and pray

I'm waiting for that final moment

You'll say the words that I can't say

It�s amazing how time can pass by in a blink without you even noticing. These past 40 days probably wasn't one of those times. It�s amazing how stress can really build up inside a person. It can really color the way a person perceives the reality around oneself. I tell ya, giving up one of the most effective ways for me to relieve stress for 40 days straight was no picnic. after all this denial of self gratification want something better than just spanking it to some cheesy porn video, but alas reality is biting me in the ass... still it couldn't hurt to write out what I desire. if given the choice, what I�d really like is a blowjob. not just any blow mind you, I�d like it to be done by female who knows how to suck cock, by someone who loves sucking cock with her hand stroking me just the right way and the pressure of her lips and her tongue going up and down with the stroking in perfect unison. Her free hand would be massaging my balls because DAMN! They are fucking aching SO much. She'd know exactly how to take my hard throbbing cock deep in her throat. She'd know how to milk every last drop of cum from my aching cock and she'd swallow, she'd definitely swallow. I know I�m not going to have that tonight but that's something I would want to definitely experience during my lifetime and there will always be a part of me that will seek that kind of satisfaction. But anyway, it�s getting pretty close to the time. For those who have been following along with my diary these past 40 days, thanks for being there and being interested enough to read all my silliness. Now if you will excuse me, I�m off to paint my ceiling off-white with my own special brand of all-natural biodegradable paint. ;)

*cough* I just got off...

i got my weed on and I'm like gliding on a wing.

man, that buddha in my system is a beautiful thing.

OH! making my mind slow but feeling totally mellow but still, ima need me a HO.

Like I have been saying everyday of every week, I needz me a superfreak.

dude! i just busted a rhyme, don't look at me like it's some crime like I haven't done my time... BITCH!

I got this 40 day itch so gimme some itchy, gimme some scratchy.

yo hoocthie, pop me sum of that mutha fuckin' cootchie!

every fucking night and every fucking day,

i wanna fuck you baby in every fucking way...

Uh Uhh Uhhh Uhhhhh!!!!

I gotta condom full of cock and a cock full of cum,

Bitch! just open yo' mouth and spit out yo' gum.

I need you gimme the hum,

i need you to make me cum...

I've been messing with the layout again. I like the design, but I have the tweak it so that there aren't so many places to scroll. :P

this is derrick, i'm buzzed right now. =p i went out with a few friends to this club called "bigwigs" on division, right on the corner of ashland. it was nice place, w/ lots of cuties. a bunch of ppl from marlboro were giving away zippo lighters in exchange for participating in a survey, so yeah I got a really cool free lighter. i also drank several red bull & vodka drinks that gave me a healthy buzz. the dancefloor was kinda smallish though but not too bad considering there was no cover charge. I also got a few stares but as usual i didn't persue any of them. i guess it's all for the best since i'm still in absinence mode until sunday, but i definitely have to work on my game sometime soon. playing the part of the shy lonely guy is getting so worn out. I may go out again tomorrow nite we'll see what happens...

I'd like to think that I have a grip on reality, that I have a relatively firm understanding of myself of those around me and how the universe works. When it comes to women however, that's all out the window. I feel blind, deaf and lost without a clue. You know the series of "for Dummies" books out there? I think I'm a prime candidate for the "Women for Dummies" edition. Yup, that's me derrick, the poor sap who can't figure out women.

On a different note there are 3 more days left of Lent. It all ends on midnight Palm Sunday. I haven't had too many dreams or spritual enlightenments as of late. Just lots of horniness and periods of heightend emotional intensity. Part of me wants to extend this absinence of sexual gratification, past the 40 days. I really want to save all this sexual energy and share it with somebody special. But then I realize that there's nobody in my life to share that experience with me. It could easily turn into another 40 days then into months then years by that time my nuts would go off in some nuclear explosion. That would be a tragedy, at least to any innocent people caught in the blast. President Dubya would mistake that for a terrorist attack, declare World War III and blow this whole planet up with his "nu-Q-ler" weapons of mass destruction. All because I want someone special in my life. I have to stop being selfish and disarm this dangerous weapon that has been ticking between my legs for 37 days and slowly but surely going onto 40.

Seriously though could you imagine if, by some blind twist of fate, some female took pity and actually had sex with me? If the physical strain of the sexual act alone doesn't kill me (though I wouldn't probably mind because I'd be dying a happy man) then I'd probably be so emotionally attached to this woman that I would think of her as the goddess who deleivered sexual salvation to my otherwise sexually bankrupt life. As a result she'd of course think I was crazy and leave me, all alone and dejected and I'd die or at least feel like dying of a broken heart. Either that or she'd see how emotionally gullable I am and use me like muddy feet uses a doormat and walk all over me for the rest of my godforsaken life. Life is a bitch that way, at least it is for me. The lack of sexual gratification is starting to color my perception as well. I want to have sex with every woman with little discression. I can't have a normal conversation with a female without me imagining her sucking my cock. Yes it's that bad.

Honestly though I do miss having that special someone in my life. This radar thing in my head keeps thinking it's this one girl with whom I've been maintaining a friendship with this past couple of years. I so want it to be more than a friendship but her "boyfriend" is still part of her vocabulary. Despite my best efforts I've done little if anything to sway her towards me. If you want to see a man who is powerless in the face of women look no further than me. I think it's symbolic of my continued failure as a man. Ugh, I'm starting to fall asleep. I guess that's enough self-bashing for one evening. I'm sure I'll find more tomorrow...

Here's a list of a few things I�ve discovered about myself:

� I think it�s pretty obvious that a large part of my happiness and self- esteem revolves around sex.

� I like sex.

� I want sex.

� I need sex.

� For some reason or another sex doesn�t come easy for me, in fact it�s probably one of the most difficult things for me to attain.

� That saddens me to no end.

� I�m horny to begin with, but all this sexual abstinence has made me fucking horny beyond belief.

� I feel like a junkie that went cold turkey.

� I feel like the crack monkey that just ran out of crack.

� Lately the women who I�ve been falling for have been �unattainable� for one reason or another.

� That reason is usually because they are taken.

� Distance is also a factor too, but I�m willing to travel for good sex. ;)

� Did I mention that I was horny?

� I hold the belief however na�ve, that sex, the really good kind, has the power to put my universe in alignment, bring light to my darkness and fill my emptiness.

� That is my �big bang� theory.

� YaY! =p

It was an interesting night to say the least. I guess the pint of blood I donated earlier yesterday morning partially impaired my ability to handle alcohol. I had a couple of vodka & tonics with dinner and then I met up with a few friends at John Barleycorn and had a vodka martini and for some reason that one martini just hit me in a bad way. I felt kinda dizzy and just had that really bad taste in my mouth, and in my mind felt like it was fading away. I switched my drink to red bull & vodka for the rest of the night and that seemed to balance me out. Still I should have been able to handle one martini, blood loss or not. I guess I'm getting old. =p

Anyway my ex was there, and so was my prom date from way back in high school. She was an ok prom date, considering it was probably my very first time on an actual date. There was potential chemistry, I mean she liked my physical appearance and I liked hers, but back then I was so shy that I was afraid to even hold her hand. I can't believe how inept with girls I was back then. I guess in a way I still am. Anyway nothing ever really came of us, she was in this long term off and on relationship, dated a bunch of guys in between, wound up finding a doctor, getting married and has a kid now so I pretty much written her off. Don't get me wrong, she was always a guy magnet, she just seemed to have toned herself down after the marriage. I mean she barely goes out anymore since she made herself a wife and a mother. So last night was her "night of freedom" of sorts. I guess she took the opportunity to go wild and it showed as guys seemed to be approaching her left and right.

I really wasn't paying too much mind to her until our eyes met and we wound up bumping and grinding on the dance floor. How we wound up dancing together was kind of like gravitational attraction, our bodies just pulled themselves toward each other. We were getting so into it she was telling me her legs were getting tired and I was kinda feeling the burn in mine too, not that it stopped us from continuing our dance. I kinda noticed my ex's eyes rolling at the sight of our dancing, but hey it's not like she offered to grind with me. ;) I guess my ex is just the conservative type, I just wasn't conscious of how so until that time. Part of me does feel guilty about all this, with her being a married woman and all, but damn if I didn't enjoy last night and damn if I didn't get all horny just thinking about it. Don't get me wrong, I�m not going to maintain any illusions about her. I know she�s married with child and she was just having her fun for the night. It�s just the whole experience is just a huge reminder of how much I miss being with a woman, the touch, the feel the proximity, having someone�s body next to mine and for that moment feeling somehow whole and fulfilled. I guess there�s no sense in dwelling upon it though because it would be a mistake to consummate any of the primal sexual urges I have for her.

If that doesn't make things confusing enough for me, I also received the wedding invitation this weekend, from another ex of mine, the last girl with whom I fell in love with. It kinda gave me that queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's just that my memories of her were so intense, falling for her, making love to her and the pain of losing her, of realizing I never meant as much to her as she did to me and later knowing she's not ever going to come back. It just makes things suck that much more. I mean I knew she was getting married and everything but having the invitation in my hand just hammered the reality of the situation into me that much harder. I'll probably attend the wedding, I'd like to think that after all the tings I've felt for her I could at least be there for her as a friend. I hope I can find a date for this thing so I don't show up to this thing feeling like such a loser. Or maybe I can go single, I hear weddings are awesome places to lick up chix. I'll cross that bridge when I get there I guess.

I don�t know why I have such bad luck with women. It just makes me think that there�s something wrong with me, like I�m not good enough or I�m not doing enough to deserve a woman in my life. I wonder at my karma, what grave thing I did in this life or my past life/lives to deserve such loneliness. Maybe I�m just writing too much into it. Like maybe I could have had more courage and parted with my ex sooner and perhaps on better terms. Or mabye I exhibit more courage in my day to day life. I just don�t know. All I know is that I want happiness. I want to be able to create that in my life and to share it with someone completely without having to hold back. Why does it seem like I�m wishing for the impossible? Like this is an uphill climb against the blistering wind. Is that which is at the peak worth all this pain and disappointment? Maybe I�m just thinking too much, as usual and I�m not putting what I want out of life into action, not nearly enough. God help me, I will change my life one way or another. Change is inevitable, and I won�t let past failure determine my future.

Fuck that noise. And if you are a female, and you see a lonely guy staring at you from across the room, fuck me... ;) Oh just one more thing, there�s exactly one week left until Palm Sunday. 7 days from midnight I�m free of my Lenten commitment to avoid sexual gratification. This last week is going to be difficult, I�m so fucking horny right now, then again when aren�t I? *sigh*

I gave blood earlier today, not too bad. I've gotten pretty used to the procedure and all. The Oreo's are back at the lifesource donor center. They were out of it my last two visits, it's my favorite snack from there. =p They offer various snacks and juices to help blood donators regain thier blood sugar levels. :)

I'm also going out drinking tonight. I have lots of built up stress and sexual tension so the decompression is welcome. I'll let you all know how that goes. :)

I feel a little better now than yesterday. I decided to take a break from school this quarter to hopefully refocus myself and of course pay off the balance of what I owe. I feel like I've stumbled onto another crossroad in my life.

I want to make a significant change. I've been seriously considering moving to a different place. I need to explore who I am and I want to do it without the "saftey net" of my family. At this point it's just a whim, but wherever I move I'll be starting from square one with a new job and hopefully being able to restart and finish my degree.

One of the possibilities is for me to move out to the east coast, possibly DC. There's someone there whom I really want to meet, but at this point in her life I'm not exactly sure how welcome my presence would be, but I can't help but feel that somone like her is worth the risk. Another possibility is for me to move out to the west coast, LA is a big possibility. I owe it to myself to at least investigate these possibilities. I can give my resume out to a few technicial recruiters and see where I go from there.

I had to change the layout of my diary as well. It seems that imagestation.com the place that I store my online pictures, frowns upon linking individual pictures up to any outside pages, so they disabled my account until I remove all outside linking. So until I find another host, my banner, background pics, etc will be removed in lieu of this more "basic" design. I'll go for a significant re-design when I can come up with the time and the energy.

As for Lent, the 30th day is coming to a close. 10 days left. Lately with all my problems, my mind has been off of sex. Not sure if that's good or bad, but it's an interesting diversion to say the least. Anyway I'm getting tired so I'm going to bed. anyone want to join me? ;)

This morning started out weird. My phone was ringing around 3 am. For some reason, I stood up half-awake and went to answer it, by the time I got to the phone the answering machine picked up. It was one of those automated dialer thingys that was either trying to dial to a modem or fax. I was like WTF? Anyway I couldn�t get right back to sleep so I popped in a video of Black Hawk Down. Pretty good movie actually. By the time the movie finished it was around 5am and I started feeling tired again so I went back to sleep. The alarm was set till 5:30 am but I snoozed it until around 6:30 when I finally got up. Man did I feel tired this morning. I�m not feeling so well now either, I have tension around my neck and shoulders, a mild headache and I�m feeling a little nauseous.

Life is starting to suck badly I guess. Back in the Fall Quarter I signed up for three classes which counts for full-time at my University. Anyway I thought I could finish faster if I took an extra class, but I couldn�t handle it so I decided to drop one of the classes. Unfortunately I was a day short of the deadline for the 100% tuition refund. I also got charged the rate for full-time tuition and my employee reimbursement only covers the two classes that I kept. To make a long story short I won�t be able to continue my classes until the balance of my tuition is paid, and it�s a large enough amount that I don�t think I�ll be able to cover it for the next few months, possibly longer.

I�ve built up a pretty good momentum these past few years, I got it down to 11 courses left for my degree. Now it all comes to a crashing halt. I don�t know about myself anymore. I think part of me jut needed a break from running the rat race. I mean I was burning the candle at both ends, managing both school and work and doing both relatively well, but I certainly didn�t want to bury myself, but I let things slip way out of my control and now I am suffering for it. At this point I just feel tired with life, My mind is overcome with thoughts of depression and anger. You work ass off, you do your best to be a good person and it seems like none of it is getting you anywhere. I mean what�s the fucking point of all this? I�m at the point where if I woke up dead tomorrow I couldn�t care less. What�s the hell is worth living through all this pain and disappointment? For what, a chance at happiness, joy, love? I can�t help but feel that I jerked off every chance that I�ve been given. What makes it all feel worse is that I don�t really have anyone to talk to about this, not in the same way people come to me for advice and feel good because someone listened to them. I guess that�s partly my fault too, I don�t like opening up to people and showing my weakness. I also don�t like burdening anyone with my problems. In a way I�ve chosen the path of the lonely. Anyway I gotta find some way to get over this shit. I don�t fucking like feeling this way. I feel so fucking tired too. I think I�ll try to sleep early today, I think I�ll be needing every bit of my strength to carry on�

I finally had a chance to tell her how I felt about her. I said I love you to her last night over IM and I said I wish I could offer her more than just words. Somehow by getting that off of my chest, the gravity around me feels lighter even with the troubles that have been weighing me down as of late. Yeah, I know there's a multitude of significant circumstances that are keeping us apart maybe indefinitely, maybe forever who knows.

What I know is this, the connection I feel with her is one of the most amazing things I have ever experienced. Even if friendship is all she has to offer me it's the kind that fills me up and makes me look forward to the chance of tomorrow. I have other things to say but I'll leave it for my next entry because I feel kinda drained with some of the shit that I'm gonna have to deal with very soon.

I guess I should start with the dream I had before I woke up this morning. It's a little hard to explain but I'll try. I think the earlier part of my dream was influenced by Frida, the movie I saw the night before. I was in this room, kind of like a holding cell but not quite. It seemed like a place where people were held for questioning, like the days of the McCarthy-ism communist "witchhunt" perhaps reflecting the communist overtones of the movie. The colors in the holding cell were vivid, like the movie predominantly dark greenish and earth tones, the