[this is my life, and it's ending one entry at a time...]


2003-05-25 - 3:07 a.m. - i am derrick's lack of self-respect...

It's official, whatever ounce of self-respect I held for myself is now gone. =/ All it took was one look into the bride's beautiful deep-blue eyes and my heart melted instantaneously. She looked at me the way she used to back when we were together. It made my heart skip and I at that moment I knew that if she were to ever ask me back into her life I would do so in a heartbeat, despite the pain I felt when we stopped seeing each other.

My mom and sis noticed the lack of passion the bride and groom had when they kissed and I immediately recalled the passion I had for her when my lips touched hers. When I came near her I felt the chemistry I had for her surge through me once again. I remain bewildered at the fact that after the intimacy we shared together she was not transformed by the experience in the same way I was. I wish I didn't love with such intensity. It seems I only waste it away on people that have no capacity to care for me, at least in the way I care for them. I feel pain knowing that this was probably the last time I was ever going to see her again. I'm not sure what else to say. I wish I could have given her a proper goodbye but she was busy doing doing her bridal things, and my mom and sis wanted to leave early. =/

Anyway I did what I set out to do, that is to look as damn good as I could possibly be. I totally went for the "GQ" look. I have a couple of pics of me and my sis at the wedding. I hope I gave her at least a momentary second-thought on what she missed out on when she left me. I think I did just that and for now that will just have to be good enough. Anyway here are the pics:

After the wedding I dropped my mom and sis home, hung up the GQ suit and threw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, rinsed the smoke out of my contacts applied clear-eyes drops, did a quick hair mess and I was good to go. I was already feeling sick from the kerosene-like Vodka I consumed at the wedding, my emotional state didn't help matters much either, so I picked up a can of Red Bull for a boost and went onto the party. There I was sipping on the jungle-juice and munching on the everclear-soaked fruit. The party was tame, there was too little dancing and too little grinding going on in there. I did manage to score a few weed hits which mellowed me out. This really cute blonde asked me for a cigarette so I lit her up one. She initiated the conversation, it was interesting how forward she was considering her boyfriend was right there. I had a conversation with him as well, they were probably the most intriguing people there. I saw them working the room, introducing themselves, talking and flirting with other people with no signs of jealousy. Probably one of those "open" relationships. Anyway it inspired me to at least try going around and make my introductions, so I did, I walked around, smiled, said hi, exchanged names and simple life stories. I felt no chemistry with anyone though.

I keep wondering what it is that I'm lacking, I've checked the mirror, though going to the gym more often probably wouldn't hurt, I'd be lying to myself if I thought I didn't still look handsome. The problem must be in my approach. My lack of self-confidence must be fiercely overshadowing all other aspects of my being. I have absolutely no game either. Though I do have my moments, for the most part I'm a social retard. There should be a special short yellow bus made just for me. It can drive me around town to various social gatherings where I can do what I do best, drool and babble incoherently in front women I find attractive. Seriously though I need to find my groove. I need to find a way to tap into my wisdom and wit and somehow apply it to social situations. My penis demands it, it needs to get laid. I should just let it take the helm and allow it steer my course. I'm probably making things way to complicated for myself as usual. I am proud of myself for at least trying to bounce back, but now it's time to bounce this motherfucker into orbit.


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