I've been thinking alot lately, about my sexlessness, why it has been so difficult and why it has been taking so long for me to get back into a sexual relationship. I think a large part of my problem is psychological. I'm hung up with this idea of finding my "soul mate", so much so that I tend to fall into extremes.

I have this idea of my "soul mate" in my head. She is beautiful both inside and out. She has a joy for life, a willingness to experience what life has to offer. She is philosophical and intellectual, someone who is able to understand and appreciate the complexity of who I am and at the same time being a complex enough person to stimulate and satisfy my own curiosity and intellect. She would definitely be a sexually curious and expressive person, someone who isn't afraid to explore my darker side. Someone who is willing to be consumed in my passion. Someone who likes to touch, someone who appreciates and indulges on her senses. Intuitive, empathic, nurturing and spiritual. There would be chemistry the kind that you would feel like an electric current tingling your body while thousands of butterflies begin to take flight within. This would happen just by looking into each other's eyes, by the act of the simplest of touches, the sound of the softest of words. This is my ideal woman. I have begun to at least consider the possibility that this "ideal woman" may not exist. I mean how could so much perfection exist in such an imperfect world? Even if she did exist I know that she isn't just going to fall out of the sky and into my lap.

I've realized that at least on some subconscious level that I am a very picky person when it comes to the opposite sex, like she has to have certain level of beauty, social status, education, intellect, etc. Come to think of it, I've "ruled out" lots of women for the most petty of reasons, younger (but legal) women, older women, those with "imperfect" bodies, those who talk a certain way, single mothers, girls that are "dating" or have "boyfriends" but no solid commitment, etc.

I have even, to some level, ruled out girls of my own ethnicity for the most petty of reasons too, like she may have too much of an accent and doesn't speak English as well as I do. While at the same time holding this contempt of girls of my ethnicity going out with guys of other ethnic backgrounds. It's like part of me wants to get "revenge", like I want to exclude them the way I feel they are excluding me. When I think about it, it's sad and hypocritical which is why I'm trying my best to change my mindset, to change my way of thinking into something more positive, more productive. It's difficult, especially after having to live and think a certain way without even being clearly aware of it.

It works the opposite way too, if the girl possesses some degree of physical beauty and shows me some interest at the same time, I fall almost too quickly in love, like suddenly she has become "the one". I think I have to begin distinguishing love and lust. Thus far I have equated it to being one and the same when it so obviously is not. I think I may have placed too much importance on the sexual aspect of relationships, making that "the holy grail" so to speak of my desire. I have to at least distinguish that there are different levels of expression and I have to learn to separate the physical and the emotional aspects until such a time when I find someone worthy of receiving both.

I know that if I just open my mind, there are infinite possibilities out there. So many opportunities that I may have blinded myself to. The women I may run into may not be "the one" but I will never know that just by sitting and waiting for something to happen. I have to take chances, I have to take risks. I have to experience different things so that if or when the time comes, I can truly know and appreciate what is there for me. I think that's what life is all about, I have to go out there, I have to do something, anything. I have to at least try and yes I have to get laid, I definitely need to get laid. ;)