I'm not sure about what goes on in your world, but on Planet Derrick [TM], sexual intercourse does not exist. Well OK, it may have occurred a few times in it's ancient history, but now, in the present there are no traces of sex on Planet Derrick. This is a true story...

It's nothing like Planet Porn [TM] where sex happens almost spontaneously. Some hot blonde chick is tanning poolside, and this pool cleaning guy comes out of nowhere, tosses aside the long-handled pool net (apparently the only piece of equipment you need to clean a pool) then BOOM! Hot Sexual Intercourse [TM]. Or when two girlfriends in their skimpy bathing suits are chatting in the hot tub and they start giggling and touching each other inevitably spiraling towards Hot Lesbian Action [TM]. Cue the tall dark and handsome stud, who just happened to be walking by noticing to naked hotties in a scissor-lock going at it right in the middle of the hot tub.

This stud looks strangely like Derrick, but couldn't possibly be, because Derrick never gets lucky enough to see things like that, it must be somebody else. He takes it upon himself to whip off his trunks and without even politely asking, enters the hot tub and creates some Hot Threesome Action [TM] with these two hotties whom he never met before in his whole fucking life. Yeah, it must be nice living on Plant Porn...

But this isn't Planet Porn, it's Planet Derrick. On Planet Derrick you get to see what it is like out there on Planet Porn through the magic of Video and DVD. In it I get to be teased by seeing things women have never ever done to me and possibly never will do to me. I get to drool over all those sexual happenings that occur constantly on Planet Porn but never on my planet. =/ On planet porn, women don't mind being tied or handcuffed to the bedposts while I take complete sexual advantage of them. Women know how to treat my cock and bring me to orgasm through oral sex, they definitely like to swallow. They are addicted to the Derrick Juice [TM] because the Juice is Loose [TM] oh yeah baby! On planet porn, most if not all women are bisexual, or have an unexplored bisexual tendency which they are more than happy to explore with me. They love and want pussy almost as much as I do, but not so much that they forget about wanting my dick.

Nothing makes my heart sadder that a perfectly bisexual woman that has gone completely lesbian because of what some dumbass guy did to her. Not that there's anything wrong with being lesbian, people ultimately have to choose for themselves, but if you once walked The Way of the Cock [TM] and then later Reject the Cock [TM] It's going to make me not happy. It makes me want to take a baseball bat to the head of every guy who had A Good Thing [TM] or even worse A Perfect Thing [TM] with a bisexual female and just totally fucked it up by being abnormally stupid and selfish.

But I digress, on planet porn women do not look at me strangely or go EWWWWWWW! when I begin expressing my sexual curiosity. They accept that I am a sexual being, that I want and need sex, that I want to explore new and different things. Planet Porn does not exist. This is my reality, a reality I am trying to change but I'm experiencing extreme difficulty doing so. I live on Planet Derrick...