Well it looks like that time of month for blogging. I think I�ve been doing well so far, since my NYE resolution to do monthly entries despite my hectic schedule. Speaking of being that time of month, I�m not sure if there�s a male equivalent for being �on the rag� but if there is, I was probably on it a few days ago. It�s hard to explain, just a bunch of depression and emotion coming seemingly out of nowhere. I couldn�t think of anything better to do except to just lie down in bed and pass out for 12 hours straight.

I think it�s because I�m tired, both work and school are putting a definite drain on my time and energy. I�ve been staying at my mom�s for the past month or so to keep her company while my step dad is in Vegas. The extra 45 min to an hour to my travel back and fourth to work/school etc. is not helping at all in this respect and really I�m just missing my apartment and all the �me� time that comes with it. But anyway, after a few nights of just hitting the sheets and being totally unproductive, I think I�m starting to regain some of my strength. Perhaps I just needed to retreat and regroup. Who knows?

I�m not sure what is going on exactly, but people around me seem to perceive me as some sort of rock or pillar that they can lean on, and yes I�m occasionally the guy one can call upon in a time of need. Lately however, I�ve been feeling like I�m just a regular guy who has his own moments of weakness. The feeling of weakness is compounded by the sad reality I myself feel like have nobody to lean on. People who I have leaned on in the past such as my grandparents who raised me from childhood and my best friend Ray, all passed away years ago. My mom whom I�ve always known as a strong, independent person and still remains a pillar for many is now showing me outward signs of her own weakness and escalating dependency towards me.

Maybe it�s just me being selfish but I feel everyone�s burden from all directions. Maybe it�s my own fault for not sharing my own burdens with others. I don�t know, I just want a relationship where I can contribute something positive and that person gives me something positive back. Why do things have to be so fucking one-sided and why does a relationship with balance seem like the hardest thing in the world to find? Anyway, it�s not something I expect to be fixed anytime soon, I just need to fucking vent every once in a while.

But anyway, change of subject. My 320GB PS3 is coming along quite nicely. I�m not sure if I want to upgrade to a 500GB when a standard sized 2.5� SATA drive comes out. Maybe I�ll just wait until a 750GB or a terabyte model comes out. Chances are it will take a very long while to even fill up the 320GB. That might be an interesting side hobby though, upgrading a few PS3 units with larger hard drives, loading the Linux OS on them and popping the old drive in a USB enclosure for use as a backup drive and then selling them back through Craigslist or Ebay as a �premium� PS3. The main purpose of loading Linux is give desktop PC functionality to the PS3 so you can surf the web though Firefox, which is considerably better than the PS3 browser and run applications such as Openoffice, which by the way is MS Office compatible.

While we are on the subject of the PS3, the Gran Turismo 5 Prologue game, which was released a couple of weeks ago, are top notch in terms of graphics and gameplay. It should be noted that the most recent release is indeed a prologue and lacks the multitude of details that the previous full version Gran Turismo 4 had such as License tests, tuning shops, Rally and Endurance races, etc but makes up for it with improved high-definition graphics and an online multiplayer component, while maintaining enough challenges and hurdles to keep fans of the original releases happy until the full release. The good part for PS3 fans is that this is among the first �must have� releases, even in its prologue form it won�t fail to impress.

Even more significant, however is the release of Grand Theft Auto IV. I bought the Special Edition for PS3 via Amazon, which includes a safety deposit box, a key for the box with Rockstar keychain, a duffel bag, art book, exclusive soundtrack CD and finally an �extra� GTA IV license plate which is available only through Amazon and it�s sitting in the mail room of my condo, according to my tracking number at least. From what I heard and read it�s an amazing game thus far. It looks like I�m going to have quite a few sleepless nights ahead of me...

One unusually weird thing that has been happening to me more frequently is female flirtation. Specifically from those who are married, engaged and/or in committed, steady relationships. I�m not sure what is causing this, because I�m definitely not trying to muscle in on anyone else�s relationship. I think it�s more circumstantial, I�m getting more mature, chronologically speaking at least and as that progresses the females around me tend to get emotionally mature and start pairing up and being in a relationship however, gives them a certain clarity that maybe just being in a relationship is not enough and along comes the hotness that is Derrick and it�s like damn I need to upgrade to that service plan! Hey, it�s my theory and I�m sticking to it! LOL

Seriously though, it�s weird, because they aren�t exactly throwing themselves at me, but somehow I feel the strong gravitational attraction towards me anyway. I wish single women looked at and acted towards me the same way. Maybe they do, but they aren�t nearly as outward or open about it. I don�t know, maybe it�s just a fluke, but it�s a fluke that has been happening a lot. Maybe they appreciate the fact that I�m not trying to outwardly flirt with them or pick them up or do things more shady guys would do like try to undermine their relationship. I mean yeah I return smiles, I say hello back, I listen when they talk, but I do that with everyone male or female, single or not. Maybe it�s my lack of sexual contact that�s blinding me or at the very least coloring my perception. Maybe it�s just me wanting to be more intimate to someone who is that friendly, simply by nature. Maybe I�m just overanalyzing things as usual.

Still don�t stop the eye sex flirtation with me on my behalf. I rather enjoy it, especially considering it�s the only form of �sex� I�m getting. But yeah, I need to get ready for class so I think I�m going to do that. Until next time...