[this is my life, and it's ending one entry at a time...]


2008-07-28 - 12:22 a.m. - i am derricks non-bucket list...

I had quite a few things I've been meaning to accomplish after graduation. It's been more than a month after and I've done little if anything to move myself towards those goals. In my last entry I've mentioned putting together a list, similar to a "bucket list", which is a list of things to accomplish before one dies or proverbially speaking "kicks the bucket". It could be something relatively simple like going bungee jumping or getting a tattoo, or it could be something a bit more lofty like traveling the world, starting a cover band and scoring a regular gig or writing a novel. It could basically be anything, but typically it would be something you have always wanted or dreamed of doing or trying but haven't or couldn't for various reasons. So you make your list and you give yourself the span of your lifetime to accomplish it.

Although the whole idea reeks of "midlife crisis" drama, the thought behind it does have merit, especially for a deceptively youthful looking guy named Derrick. Yes, he partially revels in his new found freedom and lack of responsibility since he completed his master's degree, but he has a growing concern that without positive and clearly defined goals, his life could easily slip into stagnation sending him into a midlife despair that no hot red sports car nor hot tween trophy wife redhead coupled with a stiffening dose of blue viagra pills could ever fix.

The obvious time to facilitate change is now, while I still have a thick, full and largely non-gray head of hair, a baby face, an exercise-reduceable beer gut and the ability to attract female attention with a modicum of effort. I know looks aren't everything, but with a guy who is as quiet as I am, every little bit helps.

So instead of dreaming of nearly impossible to orchestrate goals like "finding a soul mate" and adding some unfathomable deadline like "before I die" however, I thought I'd make a few lists with more recent deadlines and with goals that I may be struggling with, but are not all that impossible to achieve. I started out with a "Things to do before I'm 40 list". Actually that list is a too large a bite for me to chew now. Not to say that I'm not getting there, I'm going to be fucking 37 in October and I do use the word "fucking" in the figurative sense, but even 3 years can seem like an eternity to someone seeking immediate redirection and change. So I came up with a "Things to do before my next birthday list". That list was slightly more palatable, but still, that's a good 3 months away.

I needed something sooner, something that would help me shake off the cobwebs and give my life a bit of a jump start. So finally I came up with "Things to do before the end of the summer list." I chose the Labor Day holiday in the US which is regarded as the unofficial end of summer over the autumnal equinox, simply because it arrives sooner. So there it was, as close to perfection as I could ever get it. So without further ado, here's the list:

Things For Me To Do Before Labor Day, The Unofficial End Of Summer

  • Find the time to smoke a cigar
  • Get a new passport
  • Eat a banana split
  • Update my resume
  • Apply/Request for a new or different position within my company
  • Find the nearest Bally's and work out there at least once
  • Clean my apartment
  • Go to the beach
  • Finish Grand Theft Auto IV
  • Take an architectural boat tour on the Chicago River
  • Go to the Art Institute after work
  • Visit Ray's grave
  • Workout in the gym at least 3 times a week
  • Start asking for phone numbers again regardless of fear of rejection
  • Start asking girls out on dates regardless of fear of rejection
  • Go on at least one date
  • Try to make a second and third date with same girl
  • Kiss a girl regardless of inebriation
  • Kiss a girl romantically while sober
  • Sing at a karaoke bar
  • Get a sketch pad and start drawing again
     

As you can see, I've accomplished a few things on this list already. I should probably elaborate on some of the items on this list. Quite a few of these, indirectly at least, relates to the pursuit of a girlfriend, something I mentioned a few entries back, but as a goal for this summer, my job is to just get out there and try to obliterate this ridiculously long-standing rut I've allowed myself to fall into. I figure just getting to know more females and convincing at least one of them that I'm a cool enough guy to go out on a date with and maybe have a bit of fun is a solid enough challenge for me at this point.

Attraction is a very weird thing, there are of course things you can do like maintain your appearance to enhance your chances at attraction, but at the most fundamental level there is either chemistry or there isn't. The going to the gym part of my list is obviously to help improve my appearance. I remember a time when I didn't even have to try and I'd pull the attention of random an cute chicks simply because I had a chiseled face and an unexpanded waistline. It was definitely of great help to a guy like me who is naturally quiet. Now I have to do things like get a girl's attention and be witty and charming and give out that killer smile, I definitely had to step out of my shell a bit, but I consider that a good thing. Alcohol does help, my screen name isn't liquid-mojo for nothing, but I think start relying less on fear-dampening liquor buzz and try to naturally bring out the part of me that makes me cool when next to a girl I'm attracted to. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to have the total package, looks, body, charm, wit etc. so exercise and ultimately the resulting weight loss and muscle gain is a definite part of the ultimate game plan.

Speaking of liquor if you notice I have two separate goals regarding kissing, one while sober and the other, is pretty much whatever I can get. Obviously I have a long standing slump that simply needs to be broken, so kissing while drunk or sober doesn't really matter. I know there are girls out there simply looking for fun for that moment, and being buzzed off of liquor gives them a modicum of plausible deniability, but for me having drunken fun (there's nothing wrong with a little of that) and seeking something a bit more serious are two separate and not necessarily convergent goals. I'm sure there's more to elaborate on but I really need to get to sleep, so until next time...


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