I'm actually amazed at how much my work manages to piss the fuck out of me. Sometimes I just want to fucking punch something, but I won't at least not at this moment, because I'm fucking better than that.

So here's how the story goes, my former colleague, the one that was slated to take the position in Phoenix (if you want more details you may want to click back to the last two entries) decided to decline the Phoenix position last-minute, for some unknown reason but hopefully it wasn't a lapse in health. I genuinely liked the guy and I was kind of hoping that if it wasn't me getting the position it would be him.

Now here's the ringer, since he turned the position down, they decided to give it to another person who was already on the temporary Phoenix site. I'm not exactly sure but I'm guessing that this person was some sort of administrative assistant who was already fulfilling some of the technical needs in some rudimentary way.

That person would of course need to be trained properly in order to do what needs to be done, I know it's not impossible, we could probably get him or her up to speed in 3 to 6 months on the majority of the basics but still, what the fuck am I? Chopped liver? I don't know why they keep fucking passing me over, because I would have rocked that shit. If they send me out there I'll be walking in with 90% of what I need to know and the rest of it I'll pick up with unparalleled speed because yeah, I'm that fucking good. Those who don't think so can suck me off and swallow my manchowder. (it eats like a meal, for those that didn't know)

When it was going to be the guy that I was cool with, it wasn't as much of a problem, but now they are hiring this practical stranger and I keep wondering what the fuck? I don't know, maybe it's me, I mean I kind of slacked a little while I was trying to finish school allowing someone else in my group with a bit more ambition to take the position of team lead. I mean really, I didn't want it anyway as I was never comfortable assuming the mantle of leadership and I was never comfortable either telling others what to do or trying to keep others in line.

But still, now that someone else has taken the lead of my immediate group, I would think those "upstairs" would be more willing to let me spread my wings in other capacities, I mean yeah sure I know quite a bit of stuff and I don't mind sharing the knowledge. At this point I'm not sure if they are keeping me where I'm at because they need me to be where I am right now, or because they think I may be not-so-competent.

I suppose it doesn't really matter what they think of me, it's more of what I think of myself and I think it's time to really step up my game at work. Honestly speaking I'm skating by using only a fraction of my talents and yes I still do a good job, but I think it's time I start going above and beyond the call of duty.

In fact I've already gotten started in clearing out "pending" projects in anticipation of my upcoming vacation. What I previously thought as potentially tedious work is turning out to be somewhat fulfilling and I'm finding that the more I get out of the way, the better I start to feel in terms of accomplishment.

Although I think it would still be really cool for me to make a potential career and life change to a place like Phoenix, I know deep down that real change has to come from within me and I don't necessarily need to change my location to make a significant life change.

But for now, or at the very least, after I get my pending project stuff out of the way I think I'm going to need to focus on my upcoming vacation to Manila, Philippines. I haven't really allowed myself to get excited over the trip, I've let too many negative thoughts overtake me. It's time to let all that negativity go and not only let myself have a good time, but also allow myself to look forward to the good time I'm going to have.

So aside from the handful of responsibilities that I need to tend to, my vacation starts now, I'm not going to sweat the personnel strategies of my "pointy haired bosses", I'm going to start fucking packing for my month-long sabbatical, I'm going to let myself have a fucking blast this weekend and I'm going to fucking enjoy this vacation, because you know what? I fucking deserve it. I worked my fucking ass off doing the whole full-time school and work thing, I've gone through years with no real vacation whatsoever. It's time to get mine, bitch and it's time to let that which does not matter truly slide...