2008-10-24 - 9:44 a.m. - (for better or worse) i am derricks birthday...
First of all quick update, I'm here in Manila, Philippines. Although I was able to setup a WiFi Router in my aunt's and uncle's condo things have been really hectic, so I haven't really had the chance to blog an update until now. There are quite a few experiences to share, but I'll put in a more comprehensive update when I return home. Meanwhile, I've uploaded TONS of pictures to my Facebook account, so if you are already a friend there go ahead and check them out. If you are one of those lurker types, they are posted as public so you don't even have to add me as a friend, just go straight to my photos.
Unfortunately I'm hesitant to link them directly because I'm trying to maintain a certain degree of anonymity and putting in the link would make it almost too easy to ID me through this blog and it will affect the honesty and sincerity of my entries and we wouldn't want that now would we? ;) If you have trouble finding my Facebook pictures though, just let me know via notes or whatever and I'll point you in the right direction.
Moving right along, we go to the main purpose of this entry and that is my birthday. I don't really know what it is about birthdays. My theory is that whatever feeling you may have, it tends to magnify it significantly so if you are happy, sad, ambivalent, etc. your birthday will make you even more happy happy, sad, ambivalent or whatever else you may be feeling during your "special day".
I'd say right now even in the middle of this really cool vacation abroad, I can't help but swing between sadness and ambivalence. I remember when birthdays was nothing but times of happy celebration. Since my divorce and the death of my best friend however my birthdays have been a bit of a downer. I think I had my first "early mid-life crisis" moment during my 29th birthday. The gravity of that day just hit me like an oncoming freight train and I don't think it's really been the same ever since. It is now my 37th birthday so I'd say that's quite a few "not so happy" birthdays.
I have this fear that I can never go back to the times when my birthday where simply and naturally a happy occasion. The complexity of my emotion is such that I just want to forget about this day and make it so that it's just like any other day as if this concept of having and celebrating my birthday never existed. It's hard to just forget though because there's always someone around who remembers and reminds you of it. This day has way too much fucking baggage.
Still, now that I'm in a different place and around different people I think there's some potential to turn this day around. Not so much in the "I'm going to have the best birthday ever" sense, but more of the I'm going to try to leave the baggage behind and try to have a cool day anyway kind of thing. I'm going to do this with the help of family and the intake of much vodka. =p