[this is my life, and it's ending one entry at a time...]


2009-04-19 - 11:27 a.m. - even dark clouds have silver linings...

I just went through my unofficial 20 year high school reunion last night. What's interesting is that I never made it to my 10 year reunion in 1999 for various reasons, which included me going through a divorce, being out of a job and I was probably at my heaviest weight of my life at that point, which was probably due to an unusually high level of depression during that time of my life.

Probably the only thing keeping me from going of the deep end back then was my best friend Ray. Even though my outlook was a bit grim, I could still look back at that time with a certain level of fondness, because he helped balance things out by ushering in many of the good times. You can only imagine the amount of despair I sank into when Ray passed away 2 years later, back in 2001. That was probably the lowest point in my life.

I'm not saying my life is perfect now, not by any stretch of the imagination, but after all those years I have to say that time in it's own mysterious way really does heal. Of course I have a flood of all these bittersweet feelings when I look back in my life, but there is no longer this dark, ominous cloud of pain and despair that is constantly looming over my head. I'm not saying I wish I never had that pain and sadness, because in retrospect I think it was something I needed to remind me that Ray's friendship was indeed missed and to not take the good parts of life and the people in it for granted when they come along.

Which leads us back to last night at the reunion. There were people who I literally have not seen for 20 years, many were married and well into their families. What was really interesting, was running into my high school crush. Although, I ran into her somewhere in between, but it was still a good 15 to 18 years since I've seen her and although she has a husband and kids, I have to say that the years have been really kind to her. If anything she looks even more attractive now than she did in high school.

There was a time in my life where something like that would have gotten to me, but in some weird way I feel like I'm the one who is free. Although I do think about it sometimes, the whole getting married and having offspring (aka little derricks) thing, is not exactly an experience I'm in a rush to have. Sure the world would be a better place once my DNA hits the gene pool ;), but I think I have a much higher priority on finding a relationship based on love, you know, the romantic, passionate, consummate and unconditional kind and the rest of it, marriage, children and whatever else may come along would be a natural extension of that love.

I know that the unconditional exists somewhere in this universe, I've felt it and I've given it in on many occasions, but I think the next "big" thing that I need to focus on is sharing that love on a deeper level with a female who wants to be with me romantically and vice-versa. I've embraced my solitude for far too long and with that ominous dark cloud no longer looming over my head, the only obvious direction for me is to move forward. Until next time...


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