[this is my life, and it's ending one entry at a time...]
2003-05-19 - 9:16 p.m. - I am derrick’s 100 trivialities...
- Hi, I'm Derrick and I'm a Sexaholic...
- I'm 6'0 ft tall and weigh about 220 lbs the last time I checked. I have black hair, deep dark brown eyes, and medium build.
- My ethnicity is Filipino-American.
- I'm a also a Scorpio, which typically means I'm profound, intense,
spiritual and of course I'm totally into sex.
- I believe in astrology to the point that those born of the same star sign
show surprisingly similar traits.
- I have two piercings, a loop in my left ear and a barbell in my tongue. I'm
contemplating a tattoo...
- I love watching movies especially ones with profound meaning attached to
- I absolutely love eating, especially things that can be bad for you like
junk food and pussy. ;)
- Grey Goose Vodka Martini, shaken ice-cold straight up with a twist is my
drink of choice. I go into great detail of it my martini entry.
- Heineken is my preferred beer, Amstel my preferred light beer. I'll
drink MGD or Miller Lite in a pinch.
- Cabernet Sauvignon or Chianti is my preferred red wine, Pinot Grigio or
Zinfandel my preferred white, Korbel or Moet & Chandon my preferred
champagne, there are of course better but I can't afford them yet. ;)
- Red Bull is my favorite caffeinated drink, Sprite my favorite soda,
Lemonade my favorite non-carbonated drink, Powerade/Gatorade any of the blue
flavors is my fave sports drink and Aquafina my favorite bottled water.
- I'm much smoother and bolder with women when I'm drinking, hence my screen name
- I work full-time as a PC Tech.
- In that job I spend an ungodly amount of time on my knees, under people's
- It's because their PC is usually located under there you perv! ;)
- I are a college student... ;) I take classes part-time at night towards my bachelor's degree in E-Commerce.
- I have 11 courses left until I graduate, but since I'm only part-time it's
- Most of the remaining courses are likely the toughest programming classes I will
ever take and I'm questioning my ability to complete this. =
- I've been in college much longer than I care to admit, spending the
majority of that time slacking...
- I was once a Physics, Art, Pre-Medicine/Biology, Computer Science and
Information Systems Major before I finally settled on my current Major, a
Bachelor's of Science in E-Commerce Technology.
- I look, act and feel younger than my chronological age with a few notable
exceptions. Consequently, I almost never volunteer my age, I'd rather have
someone take me as I am without basing it on how old I am. Most reactions to my age are mixture of compliment and insult (inadvertant i'm sure). eg. "OMG I can't believe you are that old! (insult) You look so young! (compliment)". I've had people treat me a certain way and then treat me a totally different way once they discover my age. I'm thinking why should it make a difference? But apparently it always does and some people just can't help showing thier bias. Hell, I've done it myself sometimes, but now that I know how it feels to be on the other side of the fence I at least try to be conscious of it and do it much less often.
- Although I was raised as a Roman Catholic, I don't consider myself a
religious person. I do however believe that there are great things that can
be learned from the various world religions and philosophies and I respect
those who adhere to a certain faith as long as their faith does not impede
or condescend upon the personal choices of other's.
- I do regard myself as a deeply spiritual person with strong beliefs in a
higher power, in the soul, in karma and serendipity and the in the
intertwining of choice and destiny. I believe in kindred spirits and soul
mates and I believe at least in the possibility of reincarnation. I believe
that something exists beyond this lifetime and in the possibility of life
- I believe life is all about discovery, rediscovery, experience and
- My Grandma says, of all her grandchildren, I was the quietest and easiest
to take care of. I rarely cried, whined or threw tantrums. She literally had
to check if my diapers needed changing. =p
- I vaguely recall my earliest childhood memories of being part of the
traditional "nuclear family" with my mom and dad raising me.
- They got divorced when I was around 3 years old. One of my most vivid
memories of that time was when my dad was about to move out of the apartment
we were living in and I remember crying, holding onto him and not wanting to
let go. Somehow even at that early age I knew he was leaving and not coming
back. It's one of my first memories of heartache and certainly not the
- I remember my first day at preschool, My mom was still attending nursing
school around that time, I remember her dropping me off in her nurse's
uniform and me crying when she had to leave me behind there. One of the
teachers there showed me some turtles in an aquarium/terrarium. I remember
smiling at the turtles and I think my mom was able to duck away quietly. I
recalled this to my mom, but for some reason she does not remember it, even
with my vivid description of that event.
- My mom spent a lot of hours working and going to school probably early 20's
at that time so she let my Grandparents take care of me and they raised me
from preschool all the way through early college.
- It was through my Grandparents, especially my Grandfather who was my
father figure and whom I respect and love to this day. It was through them
that I experienced unconditional love. From then on my childhood was happy
- I'm mildly allergic to dust and moderately allergic to cat dander.
Claritin or Allegra helps when I have to stay in a house with a cat or
- I love females.
- I like sex, I love sex actually...
- I want sex.
- I need sex.
- I don't think lust is such a bad thing, on the contrary it's a good
- When I was in my early pre-teens way before the sex-ed classes of middle
school kicked in, I started getting curious about sex so I looked it up in a
World Book Encyclopedia. It was probably the first experiences of
enlightenment I could recall. At that moment I knew exactly where babies
came from and why they look like their parents, why males and females are
different, what all the parts are used for. I knew all about puberty way
before it hit me and looked forward to the voice change, growth spurts, etc.
- Puberty hit me around age 13, just in time for high school.
- I was kind of a late bloomer and lost my virginity at age 19, at the time
I was sharing a room with my cousin. One night she had an argument with her
dad, who got drunk and was yelling at her, so she jumped out of her window
and got scratched up in the process and wound up driving to my place. We
were probably a good month into the relationship and decided to take it
slow. Anyway when she came to my place I tended to her cuts and scrapes and
we started making out on my bed. She started putting her hand down my shorts
and fondling my hard cock. I told my cousin to go sleep out in the couch, he
just mumbled and went back to sleep. It all seemed like a blur, her panties
somehow came off and she guided my hard cock inside of her. I remember it
being the best thing I have ever felt up until that point in my life. It was
as if my cock was being wrapped in warm, wet silk. I didn't take long
before I exploded all over her and on the sheets. 19 years of buildup, hey
it happens… ;) My cousin woke up to us wiping the cum off the sheets with
a paper towel, by that time he figured out what just happened. =p It was
late and she somehow had to sneak back home so I kissed her goodnight and
- The same girl I lost my cherry to also happened to be my first date, my
first kiss, my first love, practically my first everything.
- I made it up to her our second night, we each came several times the whole
thing lasted about 6 hours until the sun came out practically. I had to
drive her back to her parents' house before they got up... That was pretty
much the pattern of our sexual relationship. =p
- She was older than me by close to 4 years. She taught me how to be a
better dresser and a better kisser. Although she had previous sexual
experience I eventually fell into my groove and quickly learned exactly what
I needed to do to please her sexually.
- I wound up having a very long-term relationship with her, I would say the
first two years with her were absolute bliss. Things started winding down
the 3rd year and the rest was just "staying safe" and
simply going through the motions. Sex eventually became the glue that held
that relationship together, pretty strong-ass glue too. ;)
- That relationship eventually became a marriage and less than a year later
- Ultimately she became one of my closest and best friends though it's a
completely platonic relationship now.
- I've had 3 sexual relationships my entire life.
- I was totally in love with the girl of my 2nd sexual
relationship, younger woman this time and drop-dead gorgeous.
- It turns out I was her "rebound" guy and wound up getting
heartbroken because of her several times over because of her indecisiveness
concerning us. Basically she used me as a piece of sexual meat, not that I
minded so much because sex with her was very enjoyable, it when she stopped
having sex with me that totally fucked me up.
- Things went sour right about the time I started saying "I love
you" to her. I feel like I should have just shut the hell up and just
continue having great sex with her.
- Although I have more or less accepted that it's over, there's a part
of me that still craves her sexually and for some reason in my heart I still
have unresolved feelings for her.
- She wound up going back to the guy she was rebounding from, is engaged to
him and is soon to be married to him.
- I'm actually invited to attend that wedding this Saturday, at the time
of this writing, as my mom and her mom are close friends.
- It will be the first time I'll meet her husband to be. I'm assuming he
doesn't know anything about us.
- I plan on drinking much to kill the awkwardness of that situation.
- My 3rd sexual relationship was more of an extended fling, we
met in one of my night classes.
- We had sex 3 times, she came each of those 3 and I came none of those 3.
- That was due in part to whiskey dick, I drank too much and just couldn't
get off sexually because of it, but I think the other reason was she just
didn't care, I mean she already had an her orgasm... =/
- I tried having "the talk" with her about where this was all
headed, naturally it scared her off and we simply stopped calling each
- This breakup was not nearly as traumatic as the last two, I guess because
there was no climax for me to miss.
- I've had no children from any of my relationships but am open to at
least the possibility of having a child or children someday if I meet the
- Nowadays, for some reason or another sex doesn't come easy for me, in
fact it's probably one of the most difficult things for me to attain.
- That fact saddens me to no end.
- I have given up sexual gratification (including self-pleasuring) for 40
days straight during Lent the past TWO occasions.
- That's 80 days altogether of not touching myself which was a challenging
experienced to say the least, but I did learn a lot about myself during
those times and I regard those events as spiritually enhancing.
- For the past few years I've been having this "thing" with a
girl that I've met online.
- I call it that because I don't know quite what else to call it.
- I actually got the idea of putting an online diary on diaryland from
reading her diary.
- Over time I've been developing some really intense feelings for her and
have done so without so much as seeing a picture of her face.
- The best way I could describe what we have, or at the very least had
together is this really intense vibe for each other. For one thing she is a
Scorpio just like me, supposedly a very volatile pairing. But there is also
the potential for great intensity.
- I really don't know too many females that possess the same sexual
intensity as I do. She definitely happens to be one of the rare few.
- It's eating my soul alive knowing that I could just die tomorrow and
just never know the face of this girl who occupies my thoughts so much.
- I'm not even sure what to fear most, if she is actually physically
attractive or physically repulsive. It's most likely she's leaning more
towards the former, with all the guys she tends to attract, but no matter
what I try to tell myself I know I will always be curious about what she
- One of my recent pastimes is checking out every tall auburn/brunette woman
with long hair and just begin wondering if that woman looks anything like
- It's actually not very fair, since she has seen so many different
pictures of me and she knows exactly what I look like. I guess after all
these years reciprocity is probably something that I should least expect.
Even with the ridiculously simple ways that one can make and send a digital
- She is the only person that I met online that I have said I love you to in
a "not just friends" context. The fact that she said it to me
first almost blew me away.
- She has become a constantly recurring subject in my diary entries, mostly
me trying to figure out why she is in my life the way she is and how she
fits into it all.
- I must have tried several times to arrange a meeting with her but she had
always backed down for some reason or another. I'm not sure why I haven't
taken that as a hint. At least in my heart I know I haven't.
- I think her reservations about meeting me, at least in the past were
because we met over the net, and she was worried I may be a potential
stalker of sorts, like some of her boyfriends in the past.
- Things are different between us now.
- She has a boyfriend who unlike her past boyfriends is actually making her
happy physically and emotionally. She's even starting to use the word
"love" with him.
- Lately the times where we have related to each other with the most
intimacy was when she either was having some sort of difficulty with her
current boyfriend and needed someone to confide in. Or when I have tried
(and failed) to give her up completely and she actually said and did things
to maintain our contact with each other and our friendship.
- I recall a particularly painful time when she asked me to be completely
honest about her and her boyfriend. Instead of giving her the usual "If
you are happy I am happy" routine I told her that I wished I were her
boyfriend. She of course responded as usual by saying that I simply live too
far away for anything to possibly happen between us, as if something
profound hasn't already happened.
- The way it looks now, with how good things are going between her and her
boyfriend, I don't have a snowball's chance in hell with her
- I am trying to accept that fact but with great difficulty because my heart
is still trying to hold on.
- Still I know in my mind that the best thing for me to do is to just let go
and do my best maintain our friendship and continue wishing her all the
happiness in the world even if I'm not able to share it with her.
- There was one person in this world that I considered a best friend, whom I
regarded like a brother, the brother I never had.
- His name was Raymond and he was my cousin and since childhood we were
always there for each other.
- He had the kind of empathy where he could just look at your face and just
know you if you were feeling bad and he was there all ready to cheer you up.
It's impossible not to miss a person like Ray especially someone like me
who doesn't talk all that much.
- He died on June 17, 2001 at the age of 28 of anaphylactic shock, a severe
allergic reaction to a drug he had taken. It was most likely Ecstasy laced
with some other unknown drug.
- He had taken Ecstasy before without any adverse side effects and he took
it purely recreationally so his death came totally and completely out of the
- I recall the day before he died. He called me out of the blue asking if I
wanted to hang out, no plans or anything, just spur of the moment stuff. It
has been a long while since we hung out like that, we both have been busy
with work and school and he has been especially busy juggling his
girlfriends, so naturally I agreed. We went to the mall, had a bite to eat
and did a lot of catching up.
- He was talking to me about him wanting get his act together, to finish
school and to settle down. He was talking about how he wanted me to be the
best man at his wedding, just like he was my best man when I got married.
- He wasn't engaged yet, but was definitely thinking about it. I have no
doubt in my mind that if he were still alive he would he would have been
able to do all those things and more.
- We went out later that night drinking with a bunch of friends, again spur
of the moment and we had a good time. I admire his ability to pull things
like that together.
- In retrospect I regard the last moments I spent with him as some of the
most spiritual I have ever experienced. It was as if God wanted me to have
those last moments with him before he took him away from all of us.
- The one thing I regret is that I don't ever recall telling him that I
- Ironically he was probably the one who deserved to hear those words from
me the most and now he's just gone. =/
- I have the feeling somehow that he knew and that he still knows how much
love I had for him.
- If you read this far you probably know more about me and what is going on
in my mind perhaps more than anyone else that I know in "real
life" with few exceptions of course. Thank you for taking the time to
read through this. As for the future, I have no idea what it holds, but the
way I look at the situation the only place left to go is up.
To Life, Love and Happiness,
<< | >>
[fade into my nothingness]
Layout, Design & Content by Derrick aka liquid-mojo © 2004
* Designed for IE 6.0 browsers and optimized for 800x600 screen resolutions and above. ** Please read the DISCLAIMER...