Around 8:02am a seagull makes a graceful swoop into the Chicago River right next to the State St. bridge, leaving a wake of ever growing circular ripples in the water. The Gull lands the large circualar yellow bumper that helps prevent stray barges from hitting the side of the bridge and drops a silver little fish on top. The fish is stil alive flappping it's last flaps while the gull pecks at it's flesh.

The light turns green as I approach Wacker Dr. which is wierd. Usually I have to wait for the "walk" signal or jaywalk (or run) across at the "don't walk" signal. I thought, cool... The light turns green again at Lake St. as I cross to the other side and climb up the steps to the Elevated platform. Passengers were just coming off the Purple Line. The passengers coming from the Purple Line tend to have the cutest females. Yes I notice these things. =p I guess thier northern suburban yuppie life is treating them well. ;) I'd say there's as many cuties on the Purple as there are on the Brown Line when I used to take that train. That's probably the one thing I missed since I moved to my condo, scoping the cutes on the train ride into downtown. ;)

Anyhow, There's usually 2 minutes between any given train unless you are lucky. I guess I got lucky because once I reached the top of the platform, the Orange Line which services the Loop to Midway Airport made it's approach. I spot the occasional cutie on the Orange, but not nearly as many as the Purple, but more often than the Green Line which has the tendancy of being the least cleanest of all the trains running on the outside track of the Loop. I guess the trains are a reflection the class divisions in this city.

Anyhow it's a short ride to work, about 5 min altogether from door to door, you can't beat that. If I walked it would only be a 15 min walk but I'm always running late for work so I always have to buy the extra minutes and train it. Plus I'm NOT much of a morning person, I think the alarm is some medieval torture device to make our lives that much more miserable. Maybe in the spring I'll be more motivated to walk it, we'll see. =p

So I walk to the elevator, just missing a full car going up, but then another elevator chimes and the light illuminates, without me having to press the button. I'm in the office about 10 minutes late but the boss doesn't notice which is cool because he usually makes a comment like "Oh I'm glad you made it in today!" and the like. He knows I stay late to make up for lost time if needed, but still, that's no reason not to try to look good at every occasion. ;)

So what's the point of this entire entry? Really there is none, I just thought how wierd it was to witness the glory of nature and the food chain in the middle of the city and to have traffic lights change in front of you at just the right moments and have trains roll up in front of you the moment you step on a platform and having elevator doors open without you having to push any buttons. Perhaps it's just serendipity, I don't really know.

Well it's another fucking day. I just found out today that the my company is not giving out the usual annual raise this year. I mean really it's no biggie, just the usual 1 to 3 % cost of living adjustment. I guess its just another sign of our fucked economy. I'm just glad I'm not a casualty of the last few rounds of layoffs. They pretty much dropped all of the outsourced staff and they also dropped the least senior employees from each department in our division within the span of the last few months.

The scary part is they have started to drop employees that have been working for the company for decades. If they make another round of layoffs based on seniority I'm the next employee out on his ass since I'm the lowest man on the totem pole now. The plus is I did wind up with a good review. My supervisor recognises my technical ability and said if anything should come up in terms of opportunities in other departments, I'd be the first guy he'd reccommend. That would be a good thing if it pans out. :)

Here's my top ten list of my all time favorite movies in decending order:

10. Swingers

9. The Usual Suspects

8. Mulholland Drive

7. LA Confidential

6. Pulp Fiction

5. Memento

4. Matrix (add 2 and 3 when the come out)

3. American Beauty

2. Waking Life

1. Fight Club

*My synopsis will be next, I have alot to say about the movies above. :)

Honorable Mentions

Lord of the Rings Trilogy

Any James Bond Movie with the Sean Connery ones topping the list.

Star Wars Trilogy (Original 4-6 of Course. With the exceptions of the Jedi duels which were done masterfully the plots in prequel Episodes I and 2 lacked luster hopefully III will redeem)

Star Trek (All except 1 which was deviated too far from the original concept, 3 which was bad save for the return of Spock, 5 should have never been made, Insurection - the weakest Trek of the Next generation cast)

Godfather 1 and 2

The Killing Fields

Austin Powers Trilogy

American Pie 1 & 2

The Thirteeth Floor

Sliding Doors

I went to my cousin's b-day party last night at this hip place downtown called Harry's Velvet Room. I took my ex with me, we're still good friends so we hang every so often and since she was frinds with my cuz as well I invited her along. I was easily the tallest guy in the room, I love when that happens. Anyhow I caught the eye of this cutie, she was tall too, like model height. She was drinking an apple martini too, I mean she was just all kinds of sexy. We exchanged several glances but I felt wierd about making a move with my ex present, like she came with me and I'd feel bad if I just abondoned her like that. It might have been a mistake bringing her along, I mean even though we are just friends I kinda felt obligated to stay at her side. What was that saying again? Don't bring sand to the beach? I swear, being a nice guy is seriously imparing my ability to score poon. =p But at least we got our drink on and had some fun. It's a cool friendship nonetheless.

Speaking of drinking, it was open bar until midnight so naturally I got totally SLOSHED. We got in a little late, like around 10:30 so within the span of an hour and a half guzzled down 4 martinis. They were served in the the large kind of martini glasses which held about 4 shots in each glass, so that's the equivalent of 16 shots. She had around 3 glasses of champane. I called her up late this morning to ask what happened because after that 4th martini my memory totally blacked out. When we left she said I just stood there in front of the club like a dork waiting for the valet. Unfortunately this club didn't have valet parking and we parked in the lot next door. She wound up christening several corners of the club with her puke and wound up doing the technicolor yawn in my car, just slightly short of the window. None of this I remember. From my 'forensic' analysis of my car this morining and my clothes it looks like I tried to puke out the window, but I managed to get some on the side of my leather jacket and on the window and on the inside and outside of my car door and my ex told me I was puking out a waterfall out the window in the parking lot. I must have yakked hard too because my throat kinda hurts. Ah, such good times, I should have them more often. :) I'm really, really glad I didn't wind up with a DUI and I got her and myself home safely. I even parked my car perfectly in the garage. I'm glad I at least have a decent driving instict. God, it's past 3:00 in the afternoon and my head is still fucking spinning. Que Sera, I guess... =p

My friend apparently read the diary I made about her acouple of days ago and said something to me on IM that almost totally floored me. She said she loved me, I mean fucking wow! *sigh* But anyway, we were able to talk and to clear some of the air between us. We were talking a little bit about her relationship. Man that was fucking painful, mostly because part of me still wishes I was the one in her life instead of the other guy. I try not to go around being jealous of other people's happiness, but the things she was telling me it just makes me wish things were different. She seems so happy with him and damn if I didn't think he was one of the luckiest guys on the face of his planet. I'm glad however that she is able to open up to me like that, about something good this time instead of something bad. She let me know that part of her wishes things were different too. But at least we arrived at the understanding that we should mainatain our friendship.

I'm a little bewildered myself at the whole thing. Despite everything that's going on I still love her too and I can't do a damn thing about it at least for now. I guess that's why they say love is a bitch. I have to agree with that sentiment and say it also has some really sharp fangs and claws, huge fucking claws that make it much easier to rip your fucking heart out. *sigh*

But anyway, I guess I just have to hold true to my previous conviction and just let go of the idea of having her. I have my own happiness to worry about at this point, and this whole sad and fucking lonely thing just totally sucks ass. Hopefully sometime, someday I won't fall for some girl who's heart belongs somebody else. :/

Oh, she did mention a picture that she wanted to show me of herself. I hope she stops being such a fucking mystery girl and sends it to me. ;) As for myself, I'm gonna work my thang this weekend. My cousin's birthday party is Saturday night, open bar, guess who is going to get totally fucked up that night? ;)

For the most part I honestly believe that people don't know what they really want out of life. Sure, there's a moment where they want this or that, but they keep changing thier damn minds and wind up with nothing but confusion. I am of course guilty of frequently causing such confusion within myself so I thought I'd put my thoughts down here, in this diary entry in hopes that once again I'm able to achieve my desired focus in life.

What do I want? Hell that's a very good question. The reason I'm laying down all this track is because I'm sending a freight train through this mofo. Basically speaking I want what any guy wants... SEX! Why don't you look suprised? Umm... never mind that. It's not just any sex though I'm talking about the really, really, really, really good kind. Yes such a thing exists. ;) To illustrate my point I have to reach way back, almost 2 years ago when I had sex that good. Damn 2 years is a long time! Sad, but true. But enough of this mindless chit-chat. On with the sexual memory. This exceprt was copied and pasted from my older diary on another site.

Enjoy: ;)

It was a Friday Night, our second date of sorts. We attended a party at this hip downtown bar. It was the birthday celebration of one of my mom's friends.

You see, my mom is not your typical mom. She's more like a sister to me, close enough that we enjoy hanging out on occasions like this every so often.

Anyhow, she has a close friend who lives out of state who's a mutual friend of the birthday celebrant. She came along with two of her friends and her daughter whom I had dated the previous few weekends and I felt like we really hit it off.

Anyhow we all had quite a few drinks throughout the night. Anyway by the middle of the night we were really stayed close to each other. I know I always had my arm around her or I was caressing he shoulder or holding her hand or touching her leg or stealing kisses when nobody was looking and whatever. I was totally into her that night.

So by the end of the night everyone was pretty much wasted. I wasn't as wasted since I was a designated driver, but I definitely had my buzz on. We all went home to my apartment.

I had to work the next morning, early. So everyone else stayed up and continued drinking. I said my goodnights to everyone and gave my apologies that I could not continue with them. I then went to my room to get ready for bed.

My girl walked to my bedroom door a few minutes later for a goodnight kiss. I took her by the hand and pulled her into my room. Our lips came together and are tongues were rolling off of one another as I felt her body against mine. My dick got so fucking hard in my boxers. I pushed my bulge up against her crotch as I kissed her neck. She let out a soft moan during her exhale and I felt the air of her breath against my ear...

I whispered to her, 'I want you to sleep with me tonight...' She couldn't, because she was worried that both our moms were across the hall in the living room and it would be too obvious if we both disappeared into the bedroom like that. Also, we didn't want to make a bad impression with our parents.

I told her she should go back out to the living room so nobody would look for her and she agreed. I also told her that when everyone else is passed out, and if she was comfortable, she was invited to sleep with me. She just smiled at the suggestion.

When she turned around, heading for the door, I embraced her from behind, kissing the back of her neck. Then with one hand I found my way up her baby T-shirt fondled her beautiful breast within. With the other hand, I reached down her pajama pants, down her cotton panties and I started fondling her crotch. The first thing I noticed was that her pussy was so nicely trimmed. As I fingered her, I felt her lips start to get moist. She felt so soft and silky and so wet between my fingers. I started spreading the moistness to her clit and started circling it with my finger and she started ot moan softly. With my free hand I continued fondling her breasts, then I gently pulled on her hair to one side enough to expose her neck so I could kiss and suck on it more freely.

Then we heard a glass break in the living room followed by laughter. Our mood was interrupted so I let her go to investigate and to continue with everyone else while I crashed in bed...

So there I was, dreaming away, I'm not sure how long I have been asleep when I was awakened by her body on top of mine. She whispered to me that there was no room anywhere else in the apartment for her to sleep in. I was still half-asleep but I remember we started kissing watch other and it was building up in intensity and turning very passionate. My cock was becoming so hard as our bodies rubbed against each other.

We must have kissed like this for at least 30 minutes, by that time I was fully awakened and fully aroused. We started taking each other's clothes off, but the bedroom door was still wide open. So I slowly closed and locked it behind me.

I completed undressing myself and I slowly pulled off her pajama shorts, followed by her baby T-shirt and finally her bikini cut cotton underwear.

I remember every inch of her skin being so unbelievably soft under my lips as I laid my lips on her entire body. She had such beautiful curves. I kissed her calves slowly up to her knees, inching up to her inner thighs and finally to her beautiful pussy.

Her pubic hair was neatly and beautifully trimmed and her lips and clit felt like moistened silk on my tongue. I glided my tongue stud around her clit as I fingered her wet pussy probing for her g-spot.

I could feel her sweet nectar wetting and dripping from my face while her body writhed under my lips an tongue.

For that moment I knew she was mine as she pushed her pelvis against my face I rubbed my lips tongue harder and faster on her clit until finally she reached her orgasm.

As I got up she spread her legs for me as if beckoning me to enter her. As I leaned towards her, she started fondling my balls and my cock until it was rock hard and throbbing with anticipation.

I climbed on top of her and slid every inch of my manhood into her hot wet and waiting pussy. She let out a soft moan as her vagina adjusted to my cock entering her. I could feel the warmth of her juices on my cock.

It felt so good sliding my cock in and out of her wet pussy. I wanted to take her like no man ever would. I positioned one of my hands under her ass for leverage. Then I started to pump her hard, as I did the bed started to rock and squeak and the headboard began knocking against the wall. I was rubbing and grinding the mound of my pubic hair against her clit during my deepest penetrations.

The fucking bed was squeaking too loud. I slid my cock out of her pussy and bent her over the side of my bed. I proceeded to take her from behind. My fucking cock went in so fucking deep. Her ass was so round and beautiful. I slapped one of her cheeks turning it blush red. I felt her pussy squeeze against my cock. I was so close to exploding, but I wasn't fucking ready to come, yet...

The bed kept squeaking and knocking, we were going to fucking wake somebody up if we kept going. I thought to myself fuck this shit! I then pulled the comforter and sheets off of the bed and spread it on the floor along with all of the pillows.

Now I could bang her as hard as I wanted to, as hard as I needed to without all the fucking noise from the bed. I took her doggy style with her pussy squeezing me so tight and her ass slapping against my body. It got so fucking close for me again I almost fucking came.

I slid my cock off her and laid on the floor. She went on top of me and straddled my cock. I fondled her beautiful breasts feeling her nipples erect between thumbs and forefingers. It was like she was dancing on my fucking cock.

I was on the brink of orgasm again. I grabbed her by the ass and she put her arms around my neck. I stood myself up with my cock still inside her. With her legs wrapped around me I bounced her up and down on my cock still standing up until I started feeling the burn in my legs.

My heart was beating fast and sweat started dripping from my forehead. I gently laid her back down on the floor. With my cock sill inside her and her legs spread wide open to receive me I started pumping her hard stopping between my breaths kiss those sweet lips of hers and explore the inside of her mouth with my tongue.

I pulled my cock out of her pussy and pushed it against her stomach. My cum exploded from my hard cock all over her abdomen. I kissed her hard and passionately as she squeezed and pulled the last of my cum out of my cock with her hand.

I grabbed one of my T-shirts lying around and wiped my come off of her and we climbed back onto the bed taking the covers and pillows with us and we passed out naked in each other's arms...

WOAH! look at the time! I gotta head out for class. Why do I have this sudden craving for a cigarette? Anyhoo... ;)

My mind has really been cluttered lately. I keep wondering about how much fate and destiny has shaped my circumstances in an almost overwhelming way. There's a friend I've been talking to online, more that two years already. For some reason we have always clicked, I guess it's because we think on very similar wavelengths, or maybe it's the Scorpio in us. Whatever it is I've always had a strong sexual attraction to her, it didn't matter if she was single, if she had boyfriend or if she became single again. For some reason I've always held onto the hope that we would meet someday and that I would have the chance to consummate whatever passion I held for her and vice-versa of course. Even with her current boyfriend there were moments when he would fuck up and I�d be there to console her. I mean it felt so close I could almost taste it.

Even just recently, around Valentine's Day she came to Chicago with her boyfriend of course. I can't believe she was so close and I still didn't get a chance to meet her, even as friends. I mean maybe I could have seen how happy she is with her boyfriend and that would have satisfied whatever curiosity I may have had with her and maybe I would find some closure in all this. I guess it wasn't really meant to be however. I had the chance to talk with her again online this evening. After exchanging the usual pleasantries, I asked her how things were going with her boyfriend. Though she wouldn't go so far as to say she's planning a 3-1/2 kid family, nor would she say that she has found her soul mate, she did go so far as to say that the relationship was so real that it scared her. She even went so far as to say that she never planned a relationship of this intensity. I guess this is truly a far cry from what began as an intended one night stand. The pain of this irony strikes me so hard that I almost wish I didn't know her quite so well. But I guess when you feel for someone there's really no getting around the pain of knowing that you lost them.

I know it sounds silly, hell I have been known to get downright ridiculous on certain occasions, but despite how silly it all may seem, despite the fact that I've never met her, despite the fact that I've never seen even a picture of her face, I did feel a true connection with her, the kind of communication that goes beyond simple words. It�s almost uncanny how we are able to complete each others thoughts sometimes. Maybe it�s because our mind is always in the same place, the gutter. ;) Needless to say, it�s not easy for me to communicate this way with just anybody. That is also why it�s going to be difficult for me to do what I am about to do, but I guess it just needs to be done. I guess it�s just time for me to accept certain realities, like the reality that she has a boyfriend whom she is in love with. Even if by some miracle they break apart, there�s still the issue of distance, how she lives all the way out in DC, and even if we do manage to close the gap in distance there�s still the matter of her finishing her life�s goals and education. It�s tough to want someone so much and have the odds of even meeting that person stacked so monumentally against your favor. But reality is indeed reality.

In order for me to truly carry on with life, I must let go of the very idea of that one day I may have her the way I want to have her. Since she has touched my soul in some inexplicable way, I want to touch her soul back through the universal language of the soul, which is unconditional love. From this moment on I set her free to find herself and her happiness and in doing so I am setting myself free to peruse the same things in life. Maybe someday things may change as change is one of those unavoidable inevitabilities, but until then things will just have to be this way and I guess for the moment I just have to live with this reality. And Liz, thank you for being my compass during the times I have felt lost, whatever bond we had and may still have, I will not forget it. May you find yourself and your happiness. Love, D

I guess it's time for another journal entry. I would make it short and sweet, but there isn't really anything about my life that's sweet. Plus I feel like doing some serious bitching, so I can't garuntee this diary entry is even going to be short. =p So let's see, where do we begin... Oh yeah, valentine's day, there's another holiday that totally sucked ass. What is it about being alone on holidays anyway? I mean yeah, in the grand scheme of things it really is just another day but when you are single and lonely, the whole thing just seems to take on a whole new meaning, it somehow accentuates my feelings of lonliness.

It's not just fucking v-day though. I mean I'm really beginning to miss the presence of a female in my life. I'm not just talking about sex, because I've been feeling horny like crazy lately, I mean really, I used to be able to go for maybe one or two days without touching myself and be totally cool with that. Now I gotta 'release' at least twice a day, sometimes even more. It's not just that though it's like I'm watching TV and somehow my hand has managed to wander down my pants and it's like, how the fuck did that happen? *sigh* What I'm really afraid of is that it's not even spring yet, because that's when I really get horny. Holy fucking damn!

If the sex and the raging horniness within me isn't enough, I'm really staring to miss just having someone to hold in my arms, hell I just miss the holding hands, I miss somone to talk to, somone to laugh with. I find myself missing all the little things and that punk ass v-day is just another gross reminder of it.

If that isn't bad enough my fucking school has been stressing the hell out of me lately. I'm already failing one of my classes simply because I can't keep up with the homework. I guess I'm gonna have to drop that fucking class before it lowers my GPA. The problem is my company won't reimburse my tuition unless I get a C or better in my courses. They won't pay for the drop so it's coming out of my ass one way or another. FUCK! Really I just want to fucking finish school so I can follow my true passion, females. ;)

It's getting to be one hell of a catch-22 for me, I can't let females distract me from completing my degree, but then I have all these fucking hormones swimming inside my head, ok both heads, and frankly it's ruining my concentration. I mean I can't even sit in a class room without constantly rotating my head to scope some of the hotties that are sitting around me. It's getting to be sick. I'm a sick puppy. A really sick puppy. Horny too, very horny. I want sex and I'm not getting any and man that is so un-fucking cool, way too un-fucking cool dude. Now I'm starting to sound like a surfer dude, OK I'm starting to scare myself now. O.o

Alright I'm done bitching for today, but oh the bitch will be back, until Derrick gets laid the bitch will always be back, garun-damn-teed! =p

Yes, here it is, another diary entry. I know they have been few and far between lately. I guess life and all its glory (or lack thereof) has been getting in the way. I guess the good thing about having a hectic life filled with stress is that one can really appreciate those quiet moments to yourself where you you can just lay back and catch your breath and maybe do a little soul searching.

I've actually been doing alot of soul searching lately. I don't know why I keep misplacing my soul, I could have sworn I set it down by my keys. ;) Seriously though, it's amazing how your entire outlook can change with the change of a quarter at school. Take last quarter for instance, I was doing well in my classes and as a result I felt like I was on top of the world, like I could accomplish anything. I was even considering the persuit of a Master's degree immediately following my graduation.

Now the classes have turned really tough and suddenly I'm struggling just to keep afloat. I'm actually going to be happy if I pass these classes with a C-. My capacity to absorb and comprehend the subject matter isn't enough anymore. I actually have to go off and spend a good portion of what little free time I have working through sample code and working some of my own code in the process. It doesn't help that I'm probably one of the hugest procrastinators to walk the face of this earth either. I can no longer hack together an assignment the night before it's due. Now I actually have to set aside time over the weekend to work on all this crap, and without my weekend downtime I'm afraid what will happen to my sanity, what's left of it anyway.

Anyway, I'm not sure what to do at this point. I've been feeling really tired lately and I'm afraid my lack of energy is going to start affecting everything around me, most importatly my work. And if all this isn't enough to worry about, I'm really, really starting to feel the effects of my prolonged lonliness. I'm starting to miss the littlest of things like having someone to hug. I imagine how good it would feel to hold someone and at the same time I feel the frustration of not having anyone to hold and I feel even more frustration that I can do very little allieviate my situation. It's all just a little too overwhelming for me at this moment. I just want to breathe and be free, yet here I am, a prisoner of my own fate, all this struggle and all this sacrifice, and for what? So I can make a bigger paycheck? I'm starting to question eveyhthing I'm doing and I'm starting to wonder what, of all this, is really necessary. I guess I'm not really sure about anything at this point. Way too much to ponder for one evening. I guess I should sleep on it and maybe just appreciate the fact that I'm still breathing...

Here it is, another year and possibility for something new. I took 2 weeks vacation off of work for the holidays to visit family in New York. The highlight of my vacation was losing $500.00 at the Taj Majal in Atlantic City. The gambling was fun while it lasted but I hit a vicious losing streak, next thing you know all my chips were gone. Que sera, I guess. There's other stuff but I'm too tired to bitch about it at the moment. Hopefully your holidays were more cheerful.

There's this online forum community I've been frequenting. For reasons unknown to me, ;) I've been recently made moderator of the Movies & TV Forum and the Life Issues Forum and I've been a moderator of the Arrivals forum for a while now. Anyhow I strongly recommend signing up and saying hi. :)

*dun-dun-duuuuunnnnnnn*

I'm stuck here at work for some overtime tonight. Sure I get overtime pay, but it's a Friday night, so it's seriously cutting into my weekend/leisure time. I guess that's my bad luck for today. Well that and I'm probably not getting "lucky" tonight, but then that's nothing new. =p

It's been a while since my last entry. I guess my life has been hopelessly uneventful as of late. Looking back at my past diary entries it always seemed like my life has been such a futile struggle in search of some non-existent joy. I guess I can't help but feel negative sometimes. I feel I have so much to give and nobody to give to and when I think about how alone I am despite my best efforts, it just feels so depressing. Even worse is when you build up a some hope inside you that things may change and you see the glimmer of possibility out of the corner of your eye only to have that glimmer fade when you try to take a better look at it, sometimes I wonder why I even try or hope at all. I suppose part of the reason my entries, including this one have been so negative is because I find that writing in this online diary is such a release. Even if nobody reads this, somehow the chance that someone may read this is just enough to help me cope with whatever is weighing me down. So if you are reading this, whoever you are thanks and if you are relating what I�m saying even a little then thank you even more. :)

Anyway, with the Thanksgiving Holiday passed and the Christmas and New Year's Holiday's coming up I've been trying to maintain a more positive outlook on life and turn this whole negative thing around, for the moment anyway. I know one positive side effect coming out from this whole deal of being alone is that I'm finally getting around to finishing my degree. I've been in college for the longest and for the most part I've just been dragging along with little direction but these past few years I've been a fucking machine, figuratively speaking of course. ;)

Take this last Fall Quarter for instance, I've gotten A's on both my classes and hell I didn't even try all that hard, but since I had nothing else better to do I managed to show up to all my classes, turn in all my assignments and projects in on time and actually take time beforehand to prepare for the exams. I may have slacked off a little here and there but never to the point where my grades would suffer. Looking at this, I have to wonder if I'm actually meant to be alone at least for this moment of my life. I know if I were in love, just by nature of who I am, I'd be focusing so much of my intensity towards my relationship I'm not sure how much, um, energy I'd have left for school. =p I mean if I were to ever fall in love and enter a relationship, I'd have to seriously wonder if my academic performance would suffer because of it. I've never been so close to finishing anything this important in my life. I've built so much momentum with school that I'm actually considering on continuing with a Master's Degree. Hell what are a few more years of night school, I mean I've been there and I'm doing it as we speak. I guess I'll have to cross that bridge when I get to it.

Now that I think about it I have so many other blessings to think about too. I have to face facts here, I've been fucking up with school for a long time here. I've gone though so many majors I've had my share of failures, there's an entire page in my transcript reflecting all the failed courses I've been through. I've been in school so long I reached the limit on the loans I could take out through Financial Aid. If I didn't get my act together and find a job that gives tuition reimbursement I'd probably be the hugest slacker that ever lived. I'm lucky to even have a chance to proceed with my education. I'm actually lucky to have a job that allows me to have financial independence. It's amazing how much you take for granted when you allow yourself to. Despite all my negativity I do have confidence that this is all part of something greater. I've been given a second chance to fulfill my highest potential and I'm not blowing it this time.

I guess that's enough positivity for now. I guess I've given myself something to think about. I'll sleep on it and see how it goes. :)

I just submitted my final project over an hour ago by email. My mind feels like it's been thorgh a heavy-duty spin cycle. They let us out of work early like around 2:00pm for the Thanksgiving Holiday, but I stuck around to put the "finishing touches" on my final project. I wound up staying in the office until 9:00pm. Considering I stayed in the office until 10:00pm last night as well just starting the damn thing, I think I did considerably well. You could say I have a tendancy of doing things last minute. ;)

Anyhoo, I would like to thank the Red Bull Energy Drink for helping me stay awake through many a coma-inducing lecture and helping me maintain my edge during the exam and project crunches. Damn you for costing $3.00 a little tiny ass can, but thank you too. =p

All in all I'm pretty glad it's over at least until next quarter. I originally intended to end this quarter with a bang and maybe go out for a night on the town and whack a few brain cells, with several well-placed rounds of alcohol consumption, but as it turns out I'm just too damn drained with that freakin' final project.

On the plus side I recieved my final grade for my Java II Programming class via email. I scored the A- which is pretty cool considering I hardly studied for that class. I guess part of me is dissapointed I didn't get the solid A. I think if I got the last question in the exam and/or did a little better in my last assignment it would have probably put me over the top. I didn't really fell like burning the candle at both ends though so I guess I deserved whatever minuses that are attached to my grade. Well I did put in some effort. I think showing up to every class and making sure I submitted every assignment was enough of me, at least for that snorefest of a class. =p

Bah! enough about classes for now. I think I'm going to enjoy my winter break by any means necessary. ;)

*cracks an egg into a hot frying pan*

I tell ya, that was a hella excruciating test. It's my own damn fault though, knowing it was an open book/notes exam I kinda slacked on the study time i.e. I didn't study at all over the weekend. =p But anyway I kinda felt like an idiot because I hit the time limit and wound up being one of the last people in the room, basically finishing everything but the last question. Considering I got everything else right (being that it's an open book/notes test) and it was like 2 points for the last Q, I estimate a final score of 28 or 29 (if I got partial credit for the last answer) out of 30. I guess I wouldn't be getting the karma I so richly deserved if I got a perfect score with the kind of effort I put into preparing for this test. ;)

I have one final project left due Wednesday for my other class, then I can enjoy Thanksgiving. After I submit my final project I plan to get silly and perhaps kill off a few extra brain-cells via alcohol consumption. They deserve a "proper" sendoff. ;)

Oh, one more thing, over the winter break I'm gonna actively persue another project I've placed on the backburner, The GMLP - Get Myself Laid Project. It takes alot of hard work and dedication but hey, I think it's worth it. ;)

but this one from emode feels right on the money...

The Ideal Sexual Partner Test

Derrick, your ideal sexual partner is a Type 1.

Type 1 partners enjoy giving pleasure as much as they enjoy receiving it. Chances are, your Type I will not only know the most direct path to orgasm for themselves, they will also likely be able to figure out, or learn from you, what they need to do to fulfill you.

But orgasm isn't the only thing on their minds. They also pay attention to the details along the way, which can lead to a much more pleasurable sexual encounter. They enjoy the ambiance of sex and truly want to connect with you.

I went out with my cousin last night. A friend of his was having a birthday party and I kinda tagged along. It was kinda funny because basically he only knew the birthday girl and I only knew him, so there we were practically strangers at that party. I guess it was just one of those nights where we both just needed to get out. Before we left for the party my cuz rolled up a blunt. We sparked that sucker up and got really mellow. I had about 3 beers myself, but what really got me was the Captain Morgan Lemonade, after a few of those I was just lit. Anyhow my cuz was telling me about his life and his difficulty with women. He has the opposite problem than I do, he probably has too many women in his life. He does seem to have things under control. He probably just needed to vent. It's funny how things seem to work out though.

Anyhow, back to the party, the hotties, OMFG there were so fucking many of them. It was kinda too bad they all seemed to be with boyfriends. I was too lit to have any type of conversation anyhow. :P I was thinking to myself, I were just a little bit more of an asshole, I could probably pick up some of these girls. I mean they are obviously looking to either trade up, or devour me like some side dish, otherwise they wouldn't be giving me that eye sex vibe. This one girl who had really nice DSL (dick sucking lips) kissed me on her way out like we knew each other, even though we just met that evening. She was with her boyfriend but I was drunk so I didn't really think about arguing with that gesture. :P I tell ya, when you haven't had sex in such a long time, the thought of being someone's sexual plaything becomes more appealing as time goes on. I do know one thing being drunk and horny is seriously affecting my outlook on certain things. I want to be good, I really do, but DAMN! :P Oh, the birthday girl, who was another hottie, asked me to take a picture for her, so I did and she hugged and kissed me like I did the hugest favor for her. She was obviously pretty lit. ;)

As for this morning, I had a fucking hard time getting up for work. I did manage to make it in on time however. I need some serious food intake, I still feel the alcohol swimming in my blood, but I spent the last of my cash on cab fare, meaning I have to find a place that's going to take my credit card. I guess I can do the vending machine thing now and just wait till lunch.

I wanted to see the meteor shower but it was overcast and rainy last night so I couldn't catch anything. :( Story of my life I guess... I think the west coast potentially had the best view around 2:30 am pst. It would have been somthing I would have liked to have seen.

As for me, I had a chance to open up a little bit to a friend. I tend to use humor as sort of a defense mechanism to keep me from being so vulnerable because the last few times I let my guard down have been really painful experiences for me. Though my humor was sort of on autopilot there were moments where I stopped myself from unleashing my wit and allowed my heart to communicate. Anyway for those brief moments I felt good and I appreciate having someone being there just to listen. So to that person whom I know reads my diary on occasion, thanx baby. :)

There's supposed to be a meteor shower visible over the US tonight. Supposedly hundreds of "shooting stars" will be visible in the evening sky over North America, the likes which will not be seen again, at least in my lifetime. "Astronomers predict that the next occurrence of a Leonid storm even close to this magnitude will be in 2099." (abcnews.go.com) Hopefully the roof of my building will be open tonight and I'll be able to see a few over the city lights and the full moon. I don't know what it is about astological events like this. Maybe it because the chance to see something like this come once in my lifetime, or just maybe one of those wishes on one of those shooting stars may actually come true, hey you never know...

When to Watch

Those on the East coast will get two chances to watch the Leonid's. Between 10:30 p.m. and 11:30 p.m. ET, Earth is due to encounter the less dense dust cluster left behind in 1767. Although this first cluster will have fewer meteors, watch for some fireballs. Because Earth's atmosphere will be colliding with the dust cluster at a shallow angle, these Leonid's are expected take longer to burn up and so will leave longer tails.

Those on the West coast will miss the chance to see this first storm since they will still be at the other side of the Earth from the comet cluster during the collisions. But they will have a longer viewing of the storm's peak.

The biggest part of the storm is expected around 5:30 a.m. ET or 2:30 a.m. Pacific time on Tuesday morning. Those on the West Coast should be able to see more meteors since daybreak will cut into the viewing time of those in the East.

Of course, in order to see anything, clear weather is required. And since scientists are better at predicting meteor showers than rain showers, it's uncertain exactly who will have the best view. If there is clear night sky, Jenniskens, who will be in an airplane flying between Spain and Nebraska to watch the shower, argues there's no better reason to skip some sleep.

http://abcnews.go.com/sections/scitech/DailyNews/leonids021118.html

I was just thinking that it must really be nice to just to have someone there for to someone to talk to to be there to listen and understand what you are going through. Unfortunately it's not something you can really ask from somone else. I guess being able to truly listen and feel where someone else is coming from is more of a gift that one must give from thier heart. Right now I feel very alone in this world and it's coumpounded by my inability to relate my profound nature to those around me. I feel like I have just so much to give, my heart, my soul, my being but I have trouble showing the world what I have to offer. I guess the some of the problems that I go through are so esoteric that I fear little if anyone can relate to me.

But anyway, I have made a discovery of sorts over the weekend. I was there for a friend who needed someone to listen to. There was very little if anything I could do to actually solve her dilemma, but just being there to listen, to understand and to have the opportunity to care about what she was going though seemed to have helped her in some small way. Part of me feels a little pain because I really wish I could have done something more but another part of me feels good that I had the chance to be there for her in what little way I can. I guess part of my spiritual calling to just be there to listen and to share moments both joyous and painful to those who are willing to share with me. Who knows? Maybe I may stumble upon someone who will care for me the same way...