[this is my life, and it's ending one entry at a time...]

2003-06-13 - 10:16 p.m. - i am derricks philosophy...

"To see a World in a grain of sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower,
Hold Infinity in the Palm of your hand
And Eternity in an Hour."

William Blake - Auguries of Innocence

This Philosophy section is basically a re-hash of one of my older entries that I felt deserved to be looked over, refined and put into the forefront in itís own dedicated page. Eventually I will continue to add and perhaps re-define the contents of this page based hopefully on the evolution of my way of thinking - Derrick.


I know that I spend a lot of time thinking and writing about about sex or the lack thereof. I know that I have a powerful sex drive, and there are times it serves me beautifully especially when I have someone to consummate my sexual passion with. There are other times however when I feel lonely, empty and unfulfilled, when this overwhelmingly powerful carnal desire consumes my soul so much that I feel I have nothing left to give of myself. Honestly, I hate being so swayed by these feelings. I hate being such a slave to my sexual desire. I hate the feelings of inadequacy that always surfaces when I am unable to achieve sexual gratification. In other words I hate myself because the want for sex has become so much a part of my being that it somehow overshadows other parts of me that could at least be equally as intense. I canít help but wonder how things would be if sex werenít such an issue. I wonder how much more evolved I would be if the whole sex thing were out of the way, if I could somehow appease my inner sex gods (or demons) by either consummating my sexual desire or going totally opposite and renouncing my sexuality. I know my diary has received at least one bad criticism in a review because of my fluctuating, often nonchalant and sometimes puerile and offensive attitudes towards sex.

I guess thatís one of the main reasons Iíve given up sexual gratification for the past two Lents (and possibly future ones). It was not because of some religious compulsion or obligation, but because I donít want my life to be just about sexual desire like it has been for so damn long. I know that I am capable of great things if only I can focus on what is important in life, but is seems my quest for sexual gratification has overcome all other aspects. The saddest part, at least in my perspective, is my constant inability to attract the opposite sex and to maintain that attraction long enough and effectively enough to develop a relationship. Hell I canít even score a date lately and itís really hurting my self-esteem. I somehow feel like less of a man because of it and I really despise feeling that way about myself when I know I could do and be so much better. It seems that fate always dealing me the cards of loneliness and solitude. Instead of cursing fate and living my life in constant regret like I always seem to be doing, Iíve got to somehow pull everything together. I must either set aside my sexual desire at least temporarily until I find someone to express them with or if I could somehow focus this energy maybe I could do some of those great things I always dream about.

Despite all of that I do strongly believe that sex is ultimately a gift and I do not believe it is something to be ashamed about. I think it is the ultimate expression of physical intimacy and is the potential vessel for emotional and even spiritual intimacy. There is just so many ways to enjoy sex whether it is an act of primal and pure lust or an ethereal bonding of spirits. I donít like the way society demonizes sex as if it is something wrong, as if it is something to be shunned or avoided. One of the harshest curses in the English language is the word "fuck". Why is that? Is the act of fucking such a terrible thing. Personally I wouldnít mind a good fuck. The next person that tells me "fuck you" I may actually thank them for the offer, hell I may even take them up on it. ;) Seriously though, the world is so much more beautiful because of sex, I know itís not the only thing but itís definitely a good thing. Donít knock me for wanting it, lusting after it and feeling bad for not having itÖ


If you magnified the subatomic particles which make up a single atom, the smallest unit of matter which everything is made up of, to a size visible to the naked eye, the nucleus which is the center of the atom (made up of protons and neutrons), would be about the size of the period at the end of a sentence. The electron(s) which makes up the outer "shell" of the atom and swirls around the nucleus like a satellites orbiting a planet would be the size of a speck of dust, only it swirling around the nucleus at velocities close to the speed of light. Now hereís the kicker, the proportional distance between the period and the speck of dust is equivalent to a 14-story building. So imagine a sphere composed of a dot the size of a period at its center, with a diameter of 28 stories and a "shell" as thin as a speck of dust. Thatís how large the atom has to be magnified to make the subatomic particles visible.

If you think about it an atom is made up of mostly empty space, making it mostly nothing and since all matter is made up of atoms, everything you see all around you is made up of mostly emptiness. If you think about it more, the material things we strive for such as food, clothing, shelter etc. are all pursuits of emptiness, and we often equate reality with all these material illusions. And yet, even in light of this revelation I canít help but wonder in the midst of all this nothingness there is something, an essence, a presence that makes all these swirling particles of nothingness into something that is truly greater than the sum of its empty parts.


This belief or recognition that something greater exists is the reason I am not an atheist. I must give atheists their due however, they believe in what can be seen and touched and what can be scientifically proven. They arenít bogged down by antiquated religious ideas. Science in its purest essence is the unbiased search for the truth. I myself believe that any religious ideal, entity or belief system that does not embrace the same search for truth is condemning itself to eventual obscurity. But that is where my similarity with atheists ends because for those who seek the ultimate truths in life must recognize that there are no absolutes in this existence. To be an atheist you must by definition adhere to absolute ideal that God or some creative godlike entity absolutely does not exist, never has and never will. If there is some doubt or inkling that a "god" may be possible, that would put that person in the realm of agnosticism. I imagine most scientific minds are agnostic, holding the hypothesis that "god" may (or may not) exist, but not making it an absolute "truth" until somehow proven one way or another. Most self proclaimed atheists, at least ones who have a scientific way of thinking know that there aren't any absolutes at least in this realm of existence so they would qualify themselves more as agnostics leaning toward atheism.

Pure agnostics do not confirm or deny the existence of a god they merely acknowledge the fact that there is no current and possibly no future scientific, measurable and repeatable way to prove or disprove the existence of a god-like entity. It would be akin to trying to prove a rainbow exists to a race of beings who are color-blind. You can take pictures, you can use countless words to describe the phenomenon, but it would be impossible for them to grasp it. It is beyond their realm of perception. In their limited capacity, in their relative point of view, rainbows do not exist, but it does not categorically eliminate the possibility of rainbows existing, because those who can see color can witness and experience the phenomenon. In the case of the color-blind beings, it would take evolution of being to see the rainbow, to understand the phenomenon and to appreciate it.

Now if we take that analogy and apply that to humanity one can conceive the possibility that there may be an infinite amount of things that lie just beyond our realm of perception, outside the detection capabilities of our most sensitive scientific equipment, outside the thoughts of our most intelligent minds, things that fall into our grasp of knowledge as we learn and grow and evolve. All we know and feel and experience is finite, it is relative, it is linear, it will eventually come to an end. But there is also duality of the universe. To every up there is a down, to every ebb there is a flow. So why cannot there be the infinite, the absolute, non-linear and timeless? Because we haven't experienced it yet? I guess it's just another thing to think about. I consider myself a spiritual person; I believe that a higher power, a grander vision and a greater truth exists. Because even in the constant bleakness and in the emptiness of reality there are moments when I find beauty and purpose and I canít help but feel somehow guided or gravitated towards those things. I feel that somehow, in some way all things and indeed all individuals are all inexplicably interconnected.

Free Will and Choice vs. Fate and Destiny:

This is a very interesting paradox. How much of oneís life is dictated by free will? How much of it is dictated by fate? Even those who do not believe in a higher power must acknowledge the fact that it is impossible to be completely in control of every aspect of their lives. We have no choice when we are born, who our parents are, or the situation we are born into. During childhood we are almost completely dependent on our parents or those who raise us for our survival. Even when we reach an age where we are capable of taking care of ourselves most people will find it surprising as to how little free will and free choice is a factor into our lives. If you think about it, we are all animals, guided largely by our instincts. We are driven by our needs, the need to sustain ourselves, to have shelter, to find a mate and to do "the wild thing", all of these motivations are largely instinctual. We are a slave to our bodies, the biological containers that hosts our consciousness, and (dare I say it?) our souls. Even if our more basic needs are met, we are still greatly swayed by our emotions. Itís easy to notice when someone is in a bad mood, walking around with that damn chip on their shoulder making it hell for those around them. Even in ourselves we may not even notice how much of an ass we are acting like until much later when we finally get over it. Then you have to go back and apologize like "Iím sorry I was such an ass earlier" unless you revel in the fact that people think you are an asshole, then itís all good.

Despite all that, free will and free choice does exist, just not to the degree most people imagine it to be. The execution of free will takes concentrated thought combined by determined action. The greatest fruits of free will are creation, setting things into motion, causing things happen, and making change occur. We are all capable of great things, but to what degree all depends on what choices we make in life. So can destiny and free will coexist? I believe that they do coexist. In simplest terms, free will and destiny are intertwined. The truest and most powerful expressions of free will occur when an individual transcends their simpler biological and emotional motivations and overcomes their natural tendencies towards laziness and more importantly overcomes their fears. Fate and destiny are simply things that occur outside of your sphere of control. They are things and events that constantly sway our lives as a result of the actions of those around us and I believe ultimately, that of some higher presence or power.

Someone mentioned a profound thing to me in my guestbook, that the word "fate" by definition implies a sort of "predestination" that is without regard and is perhaps independent of choice which begs the question, how can both fate and free will exist simultaneously? One theory is that all of the infinite choices that one could possibly make have been, or all already being made simultaneously in some parallel existence. In that sense every action one have made or could possibly make is predetermined by virtue of all possibilities existing simultaneously. This is one theory, not only on how both free will and pre-destiny can coexist, but it opens the possibility of an omniscient god-like entity who is cognizant of all possibilities including the infinite choices of those beings whom exert free will. Unfortunately something like that cannot be readily proven. We exist in a relative and linear universe where there are no absolutes, what you choose at this moment instantly becomes what has been chosen and really it's something you cannot take back. Therefore it is the present, the now moment, within this linear and relative frame of reference, this is the only place where you can exert free will. This is where you could change the course of your life and the lives and the world around you depending on how dedicated you are and how much energy you choose to exert.


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