Ugh, I got another mediocre review lately. I'll go into more detail with that in a later entry, but as a result of all my mediocre reviews and some discussion I've been having with friends, I've just been thinking alot about how things are going for me at this time of my life. Certainly thoughts of sex and the lack thereof have been a constantly recurring issue in my mind and in my diary. For the better part of my life I have always known myself a profoundly sexual person. I honestly do not ever seeing that part of me change. If anything sex will factor in deeply as an intricate part of my personal evolution and of course into the evolution of my relationship. I have come to the understanding that most of the "sexual" content of my diary may repel or offend the casual reader. I think this is mostly because I happen to be stuck in this stage of my evolution as a person.

I'm a single, horny guy and I have been for quite some time. There were moments in my life where I held some of the deepest feelings of joy and love, but they are so far in the past for me that trying to compare it with my present situation can only bring me heartache, pain, regret and longing for something better. I would love to write about something deeper but I can't. I'm just not there in my life. It's a huge world and I'm just a tiny squirrel trying to get a nut.

As a result of the recognition that my diary's content isn't going to change anytime soon and that not everyone is going to always appreciate what I write in this diary, I think I am going to begin incorporating disclaimers that this diary largely revolves around adult content. Though it's not an erotica diary, not by a long shot, I do talk enough about sex and I use enough "adult" language and humor to warrant an "R" or an "NC-17" rating.

Although my ultimate purpose is to indeed grow and evolve as a person and as a writer, I will NOT censor myself or my thoughts in my own diary. It's ludicrous to even suggest that of anyone. As my life and my thoughts evolve, so will the writing in my diary and not a day sooner or later. Still, I do have to consider with me being single for so long that I may need to either modify my approach towards the opposite sex or I may just need the courage to approach females more often.

I do think it would benefit me to take on a more balanced mentality towards women. As much as my own intense sexual nature drives me one direction I still need to balance and temper my sexual thoughts with other more evolved aspects of my being. In my quest for sexual pleasuring and frustration in failing to capture my "Holy Grail", I have somehow lost part of myself. I remember a kinder, gentler more noble version of myself, someone who was idealistic and optimistic about life. I thought that if I just continue to be this good person and continue doing good in the eyes of others that I would be OK, that I would be happy in life. That I would someday get married to someone I loved, that I would have the job and the house w/ 3-car garage and the 2-1/2 kids and live happily ever after. That was a very interesting fairy tale I beheld. Reality instead reared it's ugly head and aside from a few relationship "hiccups" I've lead a largely lonely life where the nice guy always finished last.

I've been walked on, stepped over and dragged through the dirt left only with a broken, bleeding heart as a memento. There comes a time when even a nice, timid, quiet guy such as derrick gets fed up with it all and makes a change for himself. The result is the derrick you see before you today. This comes from the realization that nice guys don't always get a break. More often than not they seem to be the proverbial "last place finishers". I don't know about you but I'm tired of that fucking "last place" spot. I'm doing what needs to be done to achieve my innermost desires. People don't need to know I'm a nice guy right off the bat. That is something for people to discover if they choose look deeply enough for me or whomever else they choose to behold.

So the question remains, is Derrick going to change? The ultimate answer is yes, change is inevitable and the direction I will always strive for is towards my growth and evolution as an individual. For the immediate term however I am still very much the sex-starved guy that started this diary and although I'm trying my best to change my situation in life, I don't foresee any "miracles" occurring. Women aren't going to suddenly just want to swoon after me and start wanting to jump my bones. Although I fucking wish that would happen, reality is one tough and cold pill to swallow and I know in my heart and in my mind that will never happen. So as long as I continue to be sexually frustrated I will continue writing about it in my diary. Spank you and goodbye...