You know for a while I thought I was doing OK. I was actually cool with the way things were headed and was gathering some semblance of optimism about life in general. Then around 3:35pm she dropped the bomb on me. My ex-wife was calling me from her cell phone telling me the "good news". She is officially engaged to her long-distance boyfriend who proposed to her on their trip to Vegas this weekend.

It was my bet they wouldn't make it relationship-wise, wishful thinking perhaps. Maybe a little bit more that wishful thinking since I was the guy she went to whenever she had a problem with him. Plus the long-distance certainly was a challenge to their relationship. I guess I was ultimately proven wrong however, he got over his cold feet and popped the question and she accepted.

I did try, I tried so hard to be happy for her. I congratulated her several times over, but in the end no matter how much I fought it, I could not hold back the tears. I guess in a way I am happy for her. She finally got what she wanted, she got her proposal, she got her 2 carat princess-cut engagement ring and she eventually she will get married and she will get to be the housewife she always wanted to be and she's on her way to having the child(ren) she always wanted.

These were the things I could not give to her, at least not at the time we were together. Aside from the fact that I was young and didn't really know what I really wanted from that relationship, I would say it was a good all in all it was a good one. Hell, it was the best I ever had. She gave me more than any other woman in my life has given and possibly will give.

When I broke off our marriage she was devastated. It is possible I hurt her more than any other individual in this planet. Eventually we came to terms and became friends again, mostly through her efforts to stay in contact with me. Though our friendship has been tested since then, through the years after our divorce, we somehow managed to stay friends.

Deep down I always held a spark of hope that someday we may resume our sexual relationship. We even talked about having a child together. I was her "contingency plan". When she reached a certain age where her biological clock would begin ticking and if her current relationship lead to a dead-end, she asked me if I would father her child, and I said yes.

To be honest she was my contingency as well. I know in terms of the opposite sex I haven't been doing so spectacularly and as hard as I am trying to change that it doesn't seem like any of it is going to change. She already knows who I am and what I have to offer and I don't have to go and jump through all these hoops to prove myself like I would have to any prospective mate. I know that I still look and act young but I also know that time will eventually catch up with me and I'll be staring at the very likely possibility that at age 40 and 50 I will still be the lonely bachelor.

It was a comfort to know that if I continue being a failure with women, at least she would still have me sometime down the road. I guess with her newfound engagement that's all over now. In terms of relationships I truly hit rock bottom. I know ultimately that it is because of my own karma I am feeling emotional suffering over this. I was the one who wasn't ready and I was the one who hurt her first by divorcing her. Who would have thought that the two women I had loved the most would ultimately wind up with other men? Perhaps it is my lot in life, to be nothing more that a stepping stone, a practice run, never to find the happiness of true love?

I can't pretend to understand completely what I have done to deserve all this emotional suffering but I can only hope that the cycle of pain, disappointment and suffering is finally coming to a close and maybe I can once more begin to feel the more beautiful things life has to offer. I'm not sure what to do now. Part of me wants a shoulder to lean on, but another part does not want to lay this emotional burden on anyone else. So it's back to my usual digital confidant, my diary.

What I really want to do is go out and drink myself to oblivion so I can forget my pain for at least one night, but for some reason drinking will only make me feel worse. Also, I don't think going out alone in this emotional state would be wise especially since I'd be driving myself, not that the thought of flying through my windshield at 100 mph hasn't occurred to me, it's just that I have to consider the lives of others on the road.

Anyway, I've somehow developed this killer headache. I think it's better if I just retreat to my bed, close my eyes and hope a vessel in my brain pops so I don't have to wake up and suffer the pain of tomorrow. If only I could be so lucky...