2004-12-18 - 1:26 p.m. - i won't be home for christmas...
I may have mentioned this before, I don't actually remember, but for the past
few years, especially since Ray died my absolute favorite "Christmas" song has
been this one:
Blink 182 - I Won't Be Home For Christmas
Outside the carolers start to sing
I can't describe the joy they bring
Cause joy is something they don't bring me
My girlfriend is by my side
From the roof are hanging sickles of ice
Their whiny voices get irritating
It's Christmas time again
So I stand with a dead smile on my face
Wondering how much of my time they'll waste
Oh God, I hate these Satan's helpers
And then I guess I must have snapped
Because I grabbed the baseball bat
And made them all run for shelter
It's Christmas time, again
It's time to be nice to the people you can't stand, All year
I'm growing tired of all this Christmas cheer
You people scare me
Please stay away from my home
If you don't get beat down
Just leave the presents and let me be alone
Well, I guess it's not cool to freak on Christmas Eve
Cause the cops came and arrested me
They had an unfair advantage
And even though the jail didn't have a tree
Christmas came a night early
Cause a guy named Bubba unwrapped my package
I won't be home, I won't be home for Christmas
I won't be home, I won't be home for Christmas
Usually, I snap out of it and get caught up in the Christmas cheer snatching
up the last minute gifts and enjoying Christmas with my family. This year is
going to be a challenge, I have neither the means nor the desire to make
Christmas special this year. It's not so much that I'm not trying to be a
"Scrooge", but it's difficult not to want to throw yourself in the nearest
dumpster and just rot to hell when you don't have the means to buy a single gift
or card and you don't have the will or desire to do anything about it. I don't
know, maybe it's just me being overly dramatic about things. Whatever.
Once upon a time, when things were less bleak Christmas was a chance for me
to spread joy. It's almost funny how my life has slowly been turning into an
abomination of that idea. All I can do now is try my best to not spread the
sadness that has crept into my heart and has somehow taken over my life. At the
very least, keeping to myself is something I know I can do extraordinarily well.
It kind of sucks when sorrow is the only emotion you have to offer.
Anyway, if you don't get a Christmas present or greeting or whatever from me,
please don't take it the wrong way. It's not you really. I have some monster
fucking issues in my head and it's not just about Christmas. I don't know life
has just been feeling really fucked up lately. Part of me has always respected
the cyclical nature of life, how sorrow seemed to be balanced with joy and
vice-versa. Then suddenly things are thrown out of balance, a person close to
you dies and leaves a huge void, things around you get thrown out of place and
suddenly misfortune becomes the norm and loneliness is the only thing you become
familiar with.
Honestly, it's been a struggle finding reasons to live, to be alive.
Somewhere in the the back of my head I know that there is a reason my heart is
still beating, but for the life of me I have no idea what that reason is. If
anything life has shown me reasons not to live. Nobody should know this much
pain, nobody should experience this much loneliness but it happens and when it
starts happening on a constant basis the beauty of life is somehow lost or
obscured to a point where all you see is ugliness. Life is just so fucking ugly
right now.
I don't know what is keeping me alive right now. I think part of it is anger.
It's like "Fuck You, I'm not going to eat this shit you keep shoveling to me.
Why don't you eat it you fucking bastard!" Anyway I'm done with my rant, I think
it's out of my system for now. I'm still trying to turn my life around. I guess
it's only a matter of time before it actually turns...