In a very un-Zen like manner it seems that my desire for material satisfaction has shot through the roof. As of late I�ve have suffered the want for things that I can�t necessarily afford such as designer sunglasses, cellphones, HDTVs, gadgets, bicycles and motorcycles. I was even thinking about buying a new car. In the most basic sense, I don�t need any of these things, but my want for them is almost undeniable, so much so that the line that is separating my wants and needs is blurred to the point that I am having trouble distinguishing one from the other.

I�ve started looking inward, searching for the root cause to my increased material desires. The most obvious conclusion I could come up with is that I�m seeking material gratification to make up for my lack of sexual gratification. The thing is I�ve been without sex for quite a while and somewhere along the way I�ve learned to live without it and pretend to myself that it�s not really important. Then I take a few steps back and I look at the whole thing again and arrive to the idea that sex in the most basic sense is just another form of material gratification but somehow, deep down I want it more than any car, gadget, TV or even cellphone (and you know how much I fucking love cellphones).

So anyway, I�m thinking that this sudden overwhelming need for material things occurred because somewhere in the back of my twisted little head, I�ve reached some breaking point to my tolerance of not having sex. The great mountain can only hold so much snow before it becomes an avalanche. And apparently, Derrick can only be celibate for so long before he becomes a walking fortune cookie.

The weird part is that possibilities for me to break my sexless streak do come up, for some reason though I�ve been passing chances or I�ve just been failing to act on those possibilities. Take last Friday for instance, I met up at a neighborhood bar with a few friends. One acquaintance brought her mom from out of town and her sister and introduced me. I of course gave the �I could have sworn they were both your sisters� response. I also bought the mom a drink and the daughters were like OMG you bought my mom a drink? That was so nice of you!

Of course the cuter of the two sisters whom I�ll refer to as the blonde sister, brought her boyfriend (or some guy that acted like he might have been her bf). Damn, I wish I didn�t get so drunk, because I totally forgot her name. But yeah she was throwing this crazy vibe at me one moment, then her boyfriend dude comes by and she behaves, then he goes off and flirts with some chicks and then she starts flirting with me again.

It was almost too much of a weird concept for a regular drunk guy like me to grasp. I contemplated asking for her number but as the time hit and the open bar transition to a regular bar, people from our group started thinning out and I wound up losing the blonde sister. Then I remembered that I don�t hit on girls that have boyfriends, it just wasn�t my bag. Of course the main dilemma was that she was hitting on me. Anyway she was gone so case closed.

So anyway, I wandered around the bar for a bit and bumped into another girl from our main circle of friends. Although she�s also blonde and has a cute face, you could say that she has a few extra pounds and plus I try not to �hook up� with girls in the main group of friends because if things go sour it would just make things awkward later when we would inevitably see each other again. Besides, I�ve seen her hook up with some other guy and it did seem kind of awkward between them afterward and most importantly I wasn�t really attracted to her in that way.

Apparently we were both drunk however and she asked me to kiss her so I went for her cheek and she gave me her lips and I reflexively gave her my tongue. Hey, I was drunk and I haven�t kissed a chick since my b-day and that was like what 8 months ago? Although I remember it being a good kiss, the kiss had a partially sobering effect, like if I don�t get the fuck out of here now I�m going to wind up in bed with her, kind of sobering. So I made a dash to the pisser and from there I went straight out the front door, no looking back.

I was going to grab a taxi but apparently I was early enough out of the bar that the busses were still running and one arrived about the same time I hit the nearest stop, so I caught the bus and headed home. In the bus I got a �where are you?� text from her and I responded �i�m drucking funk� and I got �so am i� response from her and that was the end of it. Oh I think I got a missed call from her back in the bar, but it was too loud in there to notice. I hope it won�t be too awkward when we meet up again, but I�d say drunken kissing is much easier to recover from than drunken sex, so it probably won�t be all that bad.

So anyway, it was a semi-long weekend with a bunch of 4th of July related festivities going on. I donated blood on Saturday afternoon and was kind of knocked out after that. Although it didn�t stop me from partying, it did take its toll almost all day Sunday. I also had a regular day of work on Monday of Independence Eve. Wound up going to another party Saturday night which was not all that happening and finally I just chilled at my cousins place Tuesday for a BBQ on the afternoon of the 4th. I could have went swimming, but I didn�t bring my trunks so oh well. All in all it was not such a bad holiday weekend.

But yeah, I�m starting to realize that maybe it�s me and not necessarily the females around me that is picky when it comes to choosing sexual partners. If I see a chick walk away with some other dude no matter how cute, it kind of kills it for me when maybe it shouldn�t. I mean I�m not looking for �the one� at this moment, just �the one for right now� and in that respect I�m wondering how I should handle the whole �boyfriend� thing with females?

It was something I used to always draw the line with. I simply don�t hit on women who have boyfriends. The problem is with few exceptions, the females that are most attractive and easiest to get along with have boyfriends and probably have a line of prospective guys wanting to date them. So what if I plant the seed in some attractive girl�s head that when you are ready to give up this guy whom you are playing with, that I want the next shot at you. Would it be so wrong to do that? At the very least, it does seem like a massive gray area, an area I should tread lightly should I choose to walk it. Anyhow, that�s all the dirt I have for now. Until next time...