Things have been wierd lately. Just when I thought I could latch onto a moment of happiness something happens to make my heart sink into depression. I don't understand why people are so afraid of death. I think life is much more terrifying. There is just so much pain and lonliness in this world and no matter how much you crave and strive for happiness, to make a connection, to find love the everything just seems to get more painful and more lonely.

I look at my grandma, someone who had so much love of life, who loved to talk and to sing and to taste life even in her advanced years. To see her deteriorate just like that in a flash of a moment, it is almost unbearable. She is the last person in the world who deserves to suffer, yet she is there in a bed of an intensive care unit, unable to speak or to see with half of her body numbed by the stroke her body being kept alive with IV's and a tube to her stomach. Yet she painfully aware of her situation. She is able to hear, consious enough to want something better to at least be able to talk, to sing to taste food.

I spend most of my thoughts trying to understand life, the way the universe works but I am having a very difficult time understanding this constant pain and suffering. I don't get it. Is the the best life has to fucking offer? I don't want it, I don't want any of it!