I'm back in Chicago from my road trip to NY. I feel so fucking drained, so much happened, so much that I want to say but I just don't have the energy for it right now. To make a long story short however, my Grandmother passed away early Saturday morning August 2nd, 2003. I have to ask for sure but I believe she died at the age of 92.

Really it's a mixture of pain and joy. To know that her light has been extinguished from this moral existence, she will be deeply missed. To know that her suffering has finally ended and to have the deepest confidence that she parted this existence knowing that we all loved her and vice versa, I can't help but feel warmth.

I was glad we were all there to say I love you when she was still alive and to say goodbye to her when she passed. It just makes me wonder about things, like this was all just way beyond coincidence.

I'll eventually get my act together and put a memorial page and recount in detail the experience of my trip. Until then I'll be closing the door to my room and crawling under the sheets...

ADDENDUM:

OK here's a more detailed account. I also have a few pictures, but I'll add that in a later entry when I get that all sorted out. 

I went over to NY with my mom, sister and cousin for the weekend to visit my uncle and the family for his b-day. We were also visiting my Grandma who suffered a stroke last July 4^th weekend. We arrived Friday Morning from our road trip and visited Grandma later that afternoon. Her condition wasn�t very good. She was no longer responding to voices nor did she move at all. It was difficult for all of us to see her like this. We were all there holding her hand telling her we loved her and that it was alright for her to let go.

We left later that day to the Taj Mahal at Atlantic City for my uncle�s B-Day, had a nice dinner. We had a few drinks at the President�s Club and later my cousin, I and a family friend went to the Casbah, the Taj�s nightclub. Not too bad altogether, had lots of drinks, danced with a few girls. When the crowd started to thin out, my cousin and I went to hit the tables. The the stakes at the Taj blackjack tables were a little too rich for our blood, plus it was a busy night, so we went down the boardwalk to the next casino, Resorts. We found a $10 minimum bet table and staked our claim. We were doing pretty good for a while, I�d say we were up $200 each at one point, but then we hit a mad losing streak and totally wiped out so we had a late breakfast and called it a night.

I hit the sheets around 5 am, drunk, room spinning. About an hour later the phone in the hotel rang, it woke me up so I picked up the phone. It was someone calling from the family letting us know that Grandma passed away. I thought I was fucking dreaming, I didn�t know what to say. I was still buzzed from the partying but the gravity of the situation hit me like a bitchslap. I woke my mom up and gave her the phone. I could hear her sobbing in the dark. My eyes welled up with tears. I knew I was going to miss Grandma. It was almost like she was waiting for all of us to be there before she let go of the pain and suffering of life. I felt happy that Grandma is no longer suffering though.

I cried myself to sleep and woke up later that afternoon. My cousin booked us for a deep tissue massage session. The masseuse went in deep, it was fucking painful at certain spots, I think my calves felt the most pain, they were stiff as hell, she was using her arms, elbows to go in deep. The back massage felt good though. I was pretty relaxed at the end. We had dinner at the Safari, Taj�s steakhouse. Damn good meal. We all raised our glasses to Grandma. It was more of a celebration of her memory and the end of her suffering than it was mourning.

We headed back to NY that same night and went to the funeral home the next morning to see grandma�s body for the last time. The priest came by for the funeral service. I could see tears coming out of Grandpa�s eyes, it was difficult to see this normally stoic man in tears like that. We attended mass at the church next door and that�s about it.

We left NY Sunday night and returned to Chicago Monday Morning. It was an exhausting trip, physically, mentally and emotionally. I�m glad I was there however, to say goodbye to Grandma one last time, to tell her that I loved her while she was still breathing and to see that her suffering has finally ended.

Grandmama I love you very much, you will be deeply missed...