I have to apologize for the lack of updates. I'm just at a point where I feel my life isn't even worth mentioning. Just when I thought I've hit a low point in my life I seem to discover and hit newer lows. It's like the ocean floor isn't deep enough, I had to stumble into the fucking Marianas trench. Anyway, the loan application was declined, even with my mom as a co-signer, her credit rating and debt to income ratio wasn't favorable enough to cover the cost for my last two full-time quarters of school.

Now I have to ask my dad to co-sign for me, which I dread because I know he has the credit, but I don't think I can deal with humbling myself enough to ask him of this favor only to be turned down because he is so damn uptight about not only his money, but his good credit standing. The only reason I believe our relationship is more or less amicable is because money not is part of the equation. I have the feeling deep down inside me that should I ask him for any help and with the very likely chance that he will turn me down I will on some level harbor deeper resentment towards my own father.

I mean, he already knows about my situation with being laid off and he knows how close I am to finish my degree, if only I can cover the last two quarters of my tuition. He didn't exactly jump at the chance to help his only son. Instead he's relating to me his own set of financial problems, like has he has to liquidate one of his properties because he lost money on a bad business venture.� I guess it's bad news all around.

If anything, I feel deeply humbled by this entire experience. The only thing I really have going for me is my school and my ability to do that is under severe compromise. My mom is willing to finance my education with her credit cards, but that is a double-edged sword more or less because I will be putting myself at her mercy in terms of money.

In a way I'm already at her mercy since I can no longer afford to cover the mortgage in the condo I'm staying in, she will resume payments on it. I basically have to do every little thing to save money, meaning I can't really afford to go out anymore and little things like buying lunch at McDonald's before school have to be nixed. The list of things I need have been piling up. For instance, I no longer have access to the laptop that my former employer provided for me. I do have a really old laptop that I have been using for the past month, but it is proving to be inadequate for my needs. It doesn't have the hard drive space to fit all the programs I need in it and even if I did upgrade the hard drive it is not powerful enough to run some of the things I need like a local server. My academic career revolves around computers and without an adequate PC it is going to be a struggle to maintain my grade. I feel like a classical musician who needs a Stradivarius to create the best music, but is somehow stuck with a backwoods fiddle.

If that isn't bad enough, things I've been taking for granted like heat has to be sacrificed, which I've been feeling to a large extent lately. Since my layoff and the onset of spring, it has been rather cold in Chicago in the low 30's to high 40's range so without the heat, I have been spending many a night shivering in my own apartment and this is from someone who is generally good at generating his own body heat. I guess in a poetic sort of way it is a reflection of how cold my universe has become. I'm just hoping the warmer weather will kick in soon before I get sick or something.

Speaking of sickness, I don't know if this is caused by my mental stress or what, but I seem to be feeling more and more heartburn attacks, despite the stuff I've been taking to prevent acid reflux. It might be that I'm worrying about it too much then BAM! it hits me. For a couple of times the past week I had to take the maximum dosage of antacid tablets to make the heartburn go away. Actually I'm not sure what it is, perhaps I'm more conscious of it, who knows?

As for the "tickle" in my throat it doesn't seem to be bothering me as much. My cough comes back when I'm out in the cold, but I no longer have those severe coughing fits that keep me up at night and I've barely sucked on two cough drops all weekend. If there's anything about being a fucking deadbeat, it's that I'm getting plenty of rest. Still, it's a hit to my ego that at the age of 32, I have to return to the dependency of a parent.

This situation is a little weird because I was raised by my grandfather who treated me very differently than my mom. My grandfather is a very diplomatic person and somehow without ever needing to raise his hand or his voice to me or rarely ever having make me feel like I was ever wrong I was still able to develop a conscience and my own mind. If anything I think he taught me by example and I truly believe that I am the man that I am today because of him. It was because of him that I first experienced unconditional love and I feel blessed having known that feeling.

My mom, well let's just say that she is different. Don't get me wrong, I love her and I know that deep down she loves me right back and I know that ultimately she wants me to be a better person but it is because of her that I am aware of the majority of my flaws as a man and as a human being in general. I know because she seems to take every opportunity to point those flaws out to me. I usually have an easy time either dismissing her "opinions" of me or taking her criticisms of me constructively.

I mean I know I'm a messy guy and it doesn't hurt for me to clean up once in a while. I know that I'm forgetful and that I tend to be lazy about certain things. I know that I have only a very few people whom I can call my friends and among those friends there are none whom I feel comfortable enough to bear my soul to. I know that given the opportunity I can be very frivolous with my money. The worst part is she seems to be the most vocal about it after she's had a few drinks and she seems to be repetitive about it too, like some broken record. It never used to bother me though, because I knew that I worked hard where it counted, in my career and my education and somehow that granted me the strength and the license to take her criticisms of me either in a positive light or with a grain of salt. Perhaps my being financially independent boosted my ego as well.

Nowadays however her words bite at my very soul and it fucking hurts. I know her words which are meant to prod me to action, cripple me instead and my inadequacies feel magnified. As if I'm not already totally humbled by my situation, she seems to deepen my humility and add to it's complexity. I mean really, I wish I could just crawl in some hole and die. I just want to be fucking left alone, but I can't seem to be able to afford that luxury anymore. I just want to stay in my apartment and drown in my self-pity until I get tired of it all and say "fuck this", but eventually my food will run out and I will have to return to the maternal unit and humble myself yet again for another handout.

What I really wanted was to finish school and get that chapter of my life over and done with, but now it seems that I have to start looking seriously for another job. Ideally this would be an internship or an entry-level position in web design or web application development, but the job offerings are a bit thin nowadays especially for a pre-graduate like myself. I may have to delve back into the realm of what I was doing in my previous job, which was PC tech support. I don't know what I'm going to do, all I know is that I have this overwhelming need to reclaim some of my dignity. I can't be feeling sorry for myself the rest of my life. This is not a good place to be. This is not a nice feeling to have. I want to feel like I'm somebody again. I want this heavy feeling from my chest lifted one way or another.

If that isn't bad enough I've pretty much abandoned any hopes for any type of romance or female companionship. Whatever little confidence I once had is now shot to hell. The sad part is that I still feel the need to love and be loved. I wish I could simply ignore that need for the time being, but such feelings do not simply go away, rather they nag at me and eat away at me from the inside. I feel tired and broken and powerless. At least today is over and done with. I'm going to go to bed and put my burdened mind to rest. If I'm lucky, my death wish will be granted and I won't have to see tomorrow. If I'm unlucky I'll wake up and continue this fucked-up existence. Seriously, I'm not sure how much more of this fucking life I can handle. I should go now, I feel fucking sick to my stomach.