Let's see, how do I describe my life? Take a bunch of unfulfilled desires, remove everything that even closely resembles a worldly possession, dissolve or eradicate the closest and most intimate connections, throw it all in a blender with lots of pain and vodka and blend at the highest setting and you get Derrick's fucking special blend smoothie. Yup, Derrick's life is in a huge lurch. No job, no school, no money and nothing to really do with my life until school starts up again in September.

I guess I should be depressed or something, but the more overwhelming feeling of the moment is apathy. I find it hard to care about anything and perhaps that is the true sadness of the moment. I mean if you have nothing to care about what is the point? I feel like I'm nobody, sitting no place in particular destined for nothing really special.

I mean yeah, in the near future I'll be going back to school and finally finishing off my degree, after which I will be getting back on my career track and start rebuilding my life. But what about the time between now and then? Who am I at this moment? What if I die tomorrow? What will my life have amounted to then?

I suppose that is one of the drawbacks of having a whole bunch of free time on your hands. All that extra time to think and ponder about life. Being someone who thinks too much about stuff already this can be a dangerous thing because not only is my life already sucking, but with all these thoughts that have been flowing, it's beginning to suck to the Nth degree.

Perhaps a benefit to all this pondering, is the way the life around me falls into a certain perspective. I am a man of many urges that are strong, powerful and sometimes even undeniable, but I am also at an impasse. I am at a point in my life where little if any of these urges can be fulfilled. Being under the constant denial of these urges one eventually develops a sense of what one really and truly needs to survive. Eventually one may even be able to discern those needs from the other wants and desires.

From there you are able to distill both a person's greatest strength and greatest weakness and it can be summed up in one word, desire. What a fickle thing this desire is, carrying forth equal parts of nobility and wickedness. I can see why Buddhists often view desire as the ultimate cause for suffering.

Desire is weird in that although it occupies a large part of the human psyche in the form hopes, wants, wishes and dreams, there is a very huge gap between desire and the actual attainment of that desire. I believe it takes ability, courage, action and persistence to bridge that gap between desire and and attainment.

Even if one does attain what he or she desires, there's the issue of whether attainment begets fulfillment. In my opinion being fulfilled is one of life's biggest challenges and in my case it just seems so far off that it might as well be an impossibility. I don't know, maybe I'm just being too negative, but at this moment something as simple as happiness is difficult to envision for myself and all that's left is trying to do what I think that needs to be done.

I recall some friends teasing me about my celibacy choice, like you can't really choose something that life has already chosen for you. Yeah, I get it. Part of my inability to attract the opposite sex is probably due to some critical thing that I'm lacking. Maybe it's my appearance, maybe it's my personality or lack thereof, maybe it's my supreme lack of confidence, maybe it's a simple lack of opportunity or maybe it's a combination of all those factors.

It doesn't matter, the end result is clear. Derrick is alone, has been alone and quite possibly will be alone for the rest of his life. Damn, ok maybe I'm being overly dramatic, but then again it is my diary. Maybe it's me that's fucked up. I'd like to think that I can walk around like a badass, not needing anyone or anything but there are times when I just miss the little things.

I mean aside from the obvious sexual urges, I miss the touching, the embracing, the kissing the holding of hands. Somehow the lack of human physical contact continues to validate the emptiness that is my life. In the end I'm just another lonely guy. Go figure. Anyway I'm getting tired and I vented what I needed to vent. Hopefully something more positive next entry.