I was typing through a long, droning and ultimately boring entry during my downtime at work. Most of it was just me bemoaning my fate and bitching about how lonely it is to be me. Then around what would have been the halfway point of my entry something just hit me, an epiphany of sorts. I hate women, I really fucking hate them. My hatred towards women naturally is a bit complex. I hate the way their scent enchants me. I hate how one simple look from them can totally disarm me. I hate the way my IQ drops exponentially when I'm around them. I hate how I have to imbibe excessive amounts of liquor just to gather enough courage to talk to them. I especially hate how I lose myself when I fall for them. They are my weakness, my hemlock, my arsenic, my fucking Kryptonite.

Throughout history you have all these artists, poets, painters, sculptors and writers creating works of unparalleled beauty claiming some female to be their muse. I think it's all fucking bullshit, in my experience at least. I can't think of any woman whose influence and presence in my life has ever, in the truest sense made me a better person. Perhaps there are some women out there that has made me more driven and more competitive. Looking back however, in all my experiences with females, I have never really considered the feminine mystique as positive driving force in my life. Don't get me wrong, there were moments in my life, however few and far between, where I thought I was in absolute bliss but ultimately as time progresses, it's becoming more and more obvious to me that women are indeed my ultimate weakness.

I don't know maybe I'm just letting myself get jaded. I used to think that there was one person somewhere out there for me, perhaps a yin for my yang someone who is complimentary to my being someone who can match my sexual energy. The reality of my situation however is really biting me in the ass and I'm starting to believe that pursuit of any type of female companionship will ultimately lead to the devastation of my heart. The thing is that I can't help that my heart wants to jump leaps and bounds ahead of me.

The next thing you know it's just out there unguarded and ready to be annihilated by someone who doesn't care one way or another what happens to it. In fact, I think that is really what sucks most about life. It is probably one of the main reasons I value my own life so little. It is because I desire so much that which cannot be attained, not in a million years of hoping, dreaming and striving. I'm chasing some illusion, some unattainable ideal and when I consider the magnitude of desire and the utter and sheer impossibility to ever achieve that desire it just makes me sick inside.

Perhaps it is not actually women that I hate, but myself for being in love with women way too much. I mean what have any of them done to deserve my attention? So you are attractive, you have a nice smile and I find myself lost in your stare? So your skin is the softest thing I ever touched in my life and I want to press my lips against yours and hold your body against mine. So what? Big fucking deal. Nothing I haven't felt before. You know what I want to say to all this? I want to say fuck you. FUCK YOU. That's what I'm fucking saying. Actually, I don't know what I'm fucking saying. Man am I fucked up. I should lift weights or something, you know blow off some fucking steam. Son of a bitch! NO! I'm not going to say it! I don't need sex. DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME, I DON'T NEED FUCKING NEED SEX!!! Thank you, thank you very much. Sayonara bitch.