Sorry for the lack of updates. There have been quite a few thoughts floating around in my head, it�s just that my brain has just been having a bit of trouble organizing them coherently, you know, fucking writer�s block�

Anyway, the theme of this particular diary entry is sleep, or in my case the lack thereof. Now I�m not saying I�m a total insomniac, because once my head hits the pillow, I�m usually sleeping like a baby. It�s just that lately I�ve been only getting in 4 to 5 hours a day and I usually need about 6 or 7 hours of sleep to not feel like the walking dead.

My classes aren�t helping the matter much at all. The subject matter, at least for one of my classes is rather dry and uninteresting. Thus far, I�ve been piecing together assignments last-minute. It�s not like that the stuff I�m doing for these classes is rocket-science, but it does take time and attention to detail to get these assignments done and I haven�t been feeling much energy to do either.

The fact that the finals for both of my classes will involve working with groups is going to be harsh, especially if I�m going to need to hustle to carry the groups that I�m in, like I�ve done numerous times in the past. I want to step up my game and take it to the next level, but all I can think about right now is sleep.

It probably doesn�t help that I spend no time whatsoever doing anything remotely productive on the weekends. Well, OK I can�t say the weekends are a total bust as they have been tremendously fruitful little in terms of helping me unwind. I�ve also been spending an inordinate amount time with my KH2 game on my PS2. There�s a little counter that tells you how much time you�ve spent on the game. My count is over 50 hours so far. Man that game is fucking addicting. Still, man cannot live on alcohol overindulgence, PS2 gaming and utter weekend laziness alone. It looks like I�m going to have to shake up my routine a little if I want to keep my grades up.

Speaking of alcohol, I went to one of the bars on Wrigleyville last Saturday night. Someone�s sister supposedly turned 21. I didn�t have a chance to meet the birthday girl because one of my cousin�s close friends was utterly blitzed and was totally grinding up on me that night. It�s not that I have game, but if I did have game her being all over me would have totally ruined it. I also can�t say that I�m not physically attracted to her, because she is kind of cute.

I do have a few issues with this whole thing. (Derrick has issues? Somebody stop the presses!) *ahem* so anyway, one of the issues I�m talking about is the drunken PDA. Don�t get me wrong, I�m all for touching and feeling. I think people don�t touch and feel each other enough and that sort of thing leads to frustration and there�s way too much frustration in this world. Of course if I�m drunk myself, I probably wouldn�t care but if a girl I�ve known for a while who I�ve seen flirt with other guys only gives me attention when she�s plastered, I�m going to wonder if she really likes me or if it�s just the liquor.

But let�s say she does like me on some level, even if the affection was alcohol-induced. There�s also a deeper issue of friendship. You see, she happens to be the last girl that Ray was with and he was quite in lust with her at the time. Back when he was alive, we always had this unspoken rule, to never mess with women the other person was involved with and since the beginning we never crossed that line.

I realize that even marriage has the �until death do us part� clause and although their relationship wasn�t nearly as serious as a marriage, my friendship with Ray was one of the few things in this world that I hold in high regard even to this day, years after his death. It is almost as if I feel like I�d be violating our friendship or at the very least, the memory of our friendship and that that in turn would somehow detract from the trueness and pureness of our friendship. It�s also kind of tough because I can�t just give him a call and talk to him about it because that�s something I�d want him to be OK with.

It kind of sucks too, because I�ve been enduring a really long sexual dry spell. Although my actual slump is way longer like almost 3 years, since the New Year, I�ve been consciously trying to downplay the importance of sex in my life so I could focus on other things. It actually kind of worked out for me at least for a while. Lately though since the beginning of spring at least, the thought of sex is almost unavoidable.

Although I have been Zen in my actions, I haven�t been very Zen in my thoughts. My mind is like a Ferrari, it goes from 0 to sexual in less than 3 seconds. I mean seriously, all it takes is a strategically located body curve or a nice full pair of lips and it�s all over. It�s like the beast has been awakened and won�t rest until its hunger has been satiated, but enough with the metaphors.

So I�m at the point where I�m considering me getting laid just to dull the edge it�s been having over me as of late. The thing is that I�m not the kind of guy that can just snap his fingers and have sex magically appear. That would be a neat trick though. =p It�s not just that though, I�m a picky guy, probably way too picky to be any good for my sex life. For me to achieve immediate sexual gratification would involve me lowering my standards, considerably. It�s either I go for a girl that I�m not quite attracted to because I know she�d spread her legs for me in a heartbeat or play a little sexual Russian roulette and get with a chick who�s physically attractive but pretty much gives it up to everyone.

The dilemma is that I don�t think I�m the kind of person that can have sex just to have it, at least not anymore. Once upon a time maybe, I would have tapped any ass that gave me a rise. Knowing what it is like to be used sexually however, especially when my feelings were involved, I wouldn�t exactly feel good about myself if I bestowed that kind of pain upon someone else. I guess there�s no such thing as guilt-free sex, at least not for me. I don�t know, sometimes I don�t think there�s room in this universe anymore for the nice guys, the guys who care, the guys who think before they do things. It�s our lot in life to simply fade away slowly into nothingness.

If all that isn�t enough to burden my mind, my grandfather, the one who raised me is in the hospital again for an infection. His health has been slowly deteriorating for the past few years. It�s getting tougher because he is having trouble speaking now. I can barely understand what he is saying but somehow I know that his mind is still sharp. It�s tough to look at the man who raised me with nothing but love and watch his health go in a slow downward spiral.

I want to visit him in the hospital today, but I also need to work on this paper that I have to turn in tomorrow, I don�t know. I don�t think I did well at all on my last quiz in that class, so I need to hit this one out of the park. My plate is full for all this week, so I guess I�ll just have to visit him in the hospital this Saturday. Anyway, that�s it for now. I�ll just have to suck it up and do what needs to be done. Until next time...