For some reason there has been a hypothetical question that has been bugging me lately and that question is am I intimidating to women? It's kind of a weird question because for most of my life it's felt like the opposite. On some level or another I've been the one spending most of my life feeling intimidated by the opposite sex, with particular emphasis on those that I'm attracted to.

Over the years however, I've taken risks and have gotten burned and jaded and I have made genuine mistakes that I can look back to with honest regret. The one thing I know for sure is that the idealist in me is gone. I think that part of me died when Ray died. Metaphorically speaking, that was the huge wave that capsized my boat, but even before I've gone overboard, I was already out there in the in the storm just trying to stay afloat. Now I don't even know why I'm swimming anymore. Maybe it's instinct, who knows? Sometimes I just want to lay back and let the waves just wash my body away, wash away the things in my life that are broken and hurting and just start over cleanly.

Whoa, where the fuck did that come from? Anyway, I had a point I was trying to get to. Oh yeah, the hypothetical question. So anyway, my awkwardness with women somehow turned to indifference, or at the very least I am outwardly indifferent towards women. I'm not sure where that is coming from, maybe it's a defense mechanism. I've spent way too much time somehow feeling invisible and ignored by women that something in me snapped and suddenly I want them to feel invisible and ignored by me.

No matter how cool I act on the outside, somehow on the inside, I'm still the shy guy who is intimidated by women and I'm not sure if there is a good reason that I am the way that I am. There is one idea that is starting to pop into my head regarding this however and it just started coming up recently. Maybe it's just me, but I'm really starting to believe that women are intimidated by me, like maybe I'm giving off this vibe that I'm unapproachable.

I don't know. I just see how easy it is for some other guys and I don't think they have anything on me in particular in terms of wit or physical attractiveness, but maybe it is those things that make them seem less intimidating and more approachable. Yeah I know, it sounds kind of crazy, I mean I'm not this devastatingly attractive guy that can stun women with his looks. If anything I'm just your average guy and I don't think there's anything in particular that I say or do that would scare anyone off like that.

With that said I have absolutely no good or logical reason that I should be alone. Unless of course my theory is correct. Or maybe my problem is the same problem I have always had, I think way too fucking much. Just to be on the safe side though, I should probably make a conscious effort to be friendlier and more approachable, otherwise I may be spending the rest of my life asking myself these same hypothetical questions over and over again...