First of all, thanks to all those that left comments in my last entry. I think the general consensus is that the picture of me smiling is the general favorite of the little slide show I posted, while all the brooding, un-smiling ones seemed to pale in comparison. I can see where people are coming from with that, the right smile pointed in your direction can be very warm, soothing and inviting. It�s not that I don�t want to smile. Honestly, it�s just that I haven�t had that much occasion to smile.

I mean the one of me actually smiling was way back last summer when I was on that Caribbean cruise. All those other pictures of me are a much more accurate reflection of how I am and how I�ve been feeling as of late. Since then the only other occasion that I can remember having a genuine smile on my face was when I was in lust with the bombshell post New Year�s Eve and to those who have been keeping up with my blog, know that it didn�t really wind up anywhere. Yeah, I know, that�s a fucking long time to go without smiling.

I don�t know, I guess it could be worse. I know because I�ve been through worse and I know what worse is like and sometimes I think that being in this lull or rut that I�ve been in lately is a notch above the sadness I�ve felt in the past. It�s almost like, not feeling anything at all is better than feeling pain and sadness. I guess sometimes it is indeed feels that way.

But there are also times when I feel that my happiness is just around the corner and somehow I fuck it up by thinking and re-thinking about things way too much and not actually doing what I need to do nearly enough. Then again, maybe my life isn�t nearly as bad as I make it out to be. Maybe it�s the Scorpio in me, whether I�m happy, or sad or brooding, or apathetic, I need to do it with a certain degree of intensity or it�s just not worth it for me.

In the spirit of evolving myself however, I do want to bring into focus the things in life that do make me happy and that I often forget and take for granted. One thing is my health, I know I�m not exactly the athletic type, but I�m no slouch either. Nothing in or on my body is bothering me, all the plumbing is working just swimmingly (though I can think of at least a half-dozen, if not an entire dozen better and more ways of using some of my more favorite functions) and I think that�s pretty cool. Having been laid off at one time for almost a year, I know what it is like to be broke and dependent on the generosity of others, which is kind of a double-whammy having achieved and knowing the freedom of financial independence before that.

With that said, despite the little annoyances and doldrums of the 8 to 5 workday, the benefits far outweigh the drawbacks of being gainfully employed and I am enormously grateful both for the financial independence the opportunity to complete my graduate education. Speaking of my education, although it can be challenging at times, I�m also grateful to have found a course of study that I have been doing exceedingly well in. God knows in my early undergrad days I lacked focus, bouncing from major to major with my transcript looking like a rap sheet of dozens of dropped and failed courses and a student loan bill rivaling those of aspiring doctors and lawyers, minus the advanced degree. A lot has changed since then, I finally got my focus and my undergrad and my graduate degree is not too far behind.

I also complain a lot about not getting nearly enough female attention, but I guess that�s not entirely accurate. I may not get much physical attention in terms of kissing, touching and all that good stuff, but the attention from females in general has been increasingly abundant. Again, I�d like to go on record that I don�t think I�m the most handsome guy on the planet, but I think that I get more that my fair share of looks and eye flirtation, so much so that I shouldn�t be as unconfident and insecure with myself in regards to women as I have been in the recent past and pretty much for most of my life.

I know this, because somewhere in the back of my mind, even though it is not explicitly expressed, I have that feeling that women do indeed want me. Sometimes it�s just a look, or a smile or a lingering presence, but I know it�s there. I just need to be more instinctual and capitalize on those moments of obvious attractions and stop over thinking myself like I always do. I know that the women I vibe with face to face don�t necessarily or even actually read my blog, but I thought I�d put it out there anyway. I know you want me, and I want you to know that I want you too. As for the consummation of that want, well, I�m working on it.

I know chances don�t come that often and second chances are even rarer, but I�ve been wrong so many times in that department that the only outcome left for me is to actually get it right so don�t worry, the next time it happens I am so there. And for those women who have boyfriends, husband and/or significant others and still throw the vibe at me anyway, I know there�s not much we can do to consummate it. I know you have your commitment and I don�t expect anyone to turn their life upside down on impulse just for that vibe, but honestly it�s that vibe that keeps me going and it constantly reassures me that I do indeed still have a chance and that those chances will keep coming to me until I�m finally ready to take it.

I know I complain in this blog about thinking so much, but for the most part I think my mind is much more of an asset to me that a liability. Although at times I feel the solitude because there really aren�t too many people I can share my mind with. The things I dream of and imagine and feel and comprehend can be intensely profound. I can only hope, dream, envision and perhaps even realize the ability to share that part of me with others. I think this blog is a really good way of externalizing that part of me because it would be utterly selfish to simply keep that all to myself. All I need to do is extend that idea further, beyond the blog and into my actual life.

And speaking of my blog, I am utterly grateful to those who stop by and read me once in a while. I know all of you have busy lives and I know that there are some of you read and don�t leave comments or notes because you are shy or you just don�t know what to say or are just so overwhelmed with your own lives and the lives of the people that you care about, that you don�t quite have the time for all the things that you want to do and have to make tough choices. I understand what you are going though because I�m going though the exact same thing. I�m not able to read every entry made on my favorites list and the ones I do read I�m not always able to drop a comment on them, but despite all that I do feel you and I have the feeling that you do feel me too and I do mean that in friendliest, non-sexual way possible, because those that read my blog know I�m fond of innuendo.

And to those who do leave comments and you know exactly who you are I just want you to know that every little bit helps, even if it�s just a single word of encouragement. And for that I want you to know that not only am I thankful, but I love you guys, seriously. I know I may come of a bit abrasive with my all the swearing in my blog and my brute force honesty and apparently all my hard-ass, brooding pictures of my last entry, but I guess deep down, I�m just one of those big lugs with as soft heart.

Honestly, I don�t have it all quite figured out yet. Actually it can be quite silly, even comical sometimes with that proverbial little hamster wheel in my head always spinning trying to get in all sorted out when all it�s actually doing is running around the wheel in the same spot. But maybe I don�t need to have absolutely everything in my life all figured out. I just have to look out for the doors opening in front of me and having the courage and the faith in myself to step through them as the opportunities present themselves.

Anyway, that�s all I have to write for the moment, so until next time...