Holy fuck, when did it become April? I guess I'm a bit overdue on my monthly entry but as they say, better late than never. I've been having some really weird shit happening to me lately. Nothing terrible or tragic mind you, but enough to send me reeling and saying WTF? to myself over and over and over again. I guess I should start with work. I recently had my review and got a small raise which was good, but I was criticized in a roundabout way for having lack of motivation. I know exactly what my boss was talking about, because really, I'm putting just enough effort to get by.

What sucks was there was a point in time, a few years back maybe, where I wanted to jump headfirst and give 110% to work and I got smacked down for my initiative because she was "grooming" someone slightly more senior in the department for advancement, so my boss told me to back off in some weird semi-diplomatic way. OK so that's all well and good, I accepted my role as the proverbial low man on the totem pole and put my focus into school.

So fast forwarding a bit, the person she was grooming for advancement moved to a different department under the same boss while I got promoted to team lead. So now is my supposed opportunity to step up to the plate although I'm doing my best, my focus is obviously split between work and school. That's not the weird part though. What's weird is that there's this newer person who was hired under me. He's actually quite motivated and I don't really blame him for wanting to quickly climb the ladder, but now my boss wants me to start showing some enthusiasm for work and be more competitive and I'm bewildered by this 180 degree change in management philosophy.

So now my job has somehow turned into some sort of rat race and now I'm supposed to flip a switch and be excited about work again because they "need" me and all these new people under me want a piece of the action. Maybe I will step up my game, but not out of enthusiasm because I'm in a great job, working for inspiring leaders, but out of spite. They need to know my intensity and my passion before I leave their sorry asses for someplace better. Besides, that was the original plan I had when I was discouraged from doing my best in the first place. Damn fuckers...

I�m also going through some weird shit with one of my friends. I�m not going into too many details on this one, but I guess I�m going to anyway, because quite frankly the whole experience just left a bad taste in my mouth and as much as possible I just want to forget about the whole thing, but since I don�t really have a confidant that I can tell such things to, I guess I�ll have to vent it all here. Basically I went out clubbing with one of my platonic girl friends, we actually developed a cool friendship over the years. She was feeling down because the group of friends we all hung out with started alienating her for some reason, I wasn�t there so I don�t know all of the details, but I suppose part of the reason was that she flakes out from time to time, no harm no foul I think. Another reason is that she seems to get much more male attention than her other girlfriends and supposedly, she �stole� away the interest of some guy that another girl was interested in.

Again, I�m only hearing one side of the story, but that theory was somewhat confirmed because I hear a lot of shit talk about her when she�s not present. There were times I�ve actually felt bad that I didn�t defend her when people talked bad about their in front of me, but I figured that kind of negativity has its own karma, because they came off sounding petty and uncourageous because they did not voice their opinion in front of the person in question.

But whatever, I digress. Last Saturday we went out clubbing and she was scheduled to crash at my place so she didn�t have to drive home drunk. So we closed the place down and she wound up getting some guy�s digits. Now here�s the thing, I don�t know who the fuck does this, but she did it to me. She just invites this dude to my crib. So alright, I rolled with it for a bit, he seemed like a cool enough guy, his place was nearby, maybe a 5 minute cab ride from my place so I figured if they were going to hook up they�d take it to his crib, right? So we were chatting for another hour or so, but I was totally fading out because it was like 6 in the morning so, I went to bed and told them to lock up whenever they left.

So I wake up at around 8:00 am, needing to take a mean piss, and they are going at it like porn stars in my fucking living room. I felt like I just walked in on my sister or something. I didn�t say anything because I really needed to piss, but after I was done, the dude was apologizing profusely. I patted him on the shoulder and said �forgetaboutit� and went back to sleep because I only had 2 hours of sleep at that point. I slept for 2 more hours and woke up around 10 wondering �what the fuck?� and asking myself �who the fuck does that?� and repeating those questions to myself over and over and over again that entire Sunday after. I mean really, what the fuck? Who the fuck does that?

So now random people are having more sex in my apartment than I am, not that it�s a difficult thing, since I�m now apparently the poster boy for circumstantial celibacy. So anyway, I didn�t hear from her for a few days (not that I really wanted to anymore) but eventually she sent me an e-mail saying she might have left her cell phone in my crib. I haven�t really had the chance to check because I have a training class in the burbs and have been staying with the family so I could used my step dad�s car to drive to my training class. Fuck, I was planning on not seeing or talking to her for as long as humanly possible. Maybe I�ll just drop the phone at her work and hope she�s off duty, then I can try to wash my hands of the whole experience, or at least go for some alcohol-induced amnesia.

If that wasn�t bad enough, the hard drive on my Playstation 3 gave up the ghost all the game save files for the Elder Scrolls game that I�ve easily logged 300 hours on, mostly just leveling up in the game is likely gone so I have to start over from scratch. The good part is that I�m addicted enough to the game to start from level 1 again and I�ve been meaning to upgrade my 60GB hard drive to a 320GB hard drive and load the Yellow Dog Linux operating system made for the PS3 so I can use my PS3 and HDTV as an alternate computer/web browser, which would require me to reformat the drive anyway. I�m going to have to spend some of the money I�ve been saving up for my next cell phone though and really that sucks more balls than my now porn star wannabe former friend. That�s a lot of ball suckage. That�s the kind of teabagging that would make Earl Grey proud.

I�d bitch about my life more, but its way past my bed time. Things are ugly and derrick needs his beauty rest. On a slightly more positive note, I�m in the officially last quarter of my school. If I weren�t so fucking freaked out I�d be creaming in my pajamas right now. *my pajamas breathes a sigh of relief* So that�s all there is to write, until next time...