I'm not sure what to put here at this moment. I've had quite a few thoughts, but as of late I've been feeling quite uninspired about alot of things, a writer's block of sorts. Things like logging onto AIM and chatting with friends no longer brings me joy. If anything it's turning more and more into a reminder how good everyone else has it. How happy thier boyfriend is making them, how happy they are they just got engaged, how wonderful thier marriage is and what joys thier children bring to them. Don't get me wrong, I wish them all the best of happiness but for some reason all of it, instead of being an affirmation of the existence of joy, it's beginning to become a painful reminder of how lonely my existence has become and really, I don't want to drag anyone down to my depth of sadness especially with that dark cloud hanging over my head. Let them be happy, I'd only do things to ruin it at this point. Anyway, I'll probably stay away from AIM until I find myself out of this festering rut. There's no way I'm going to provide any type of interesting conversation in this state of mind anyway.

This is where I miss Ray, because he would see the look on my face and would do somthing, anything to cheer me up. I could imagine us going out for drinks scoping out the hotties right this moment. But no, he's gone, dead from this world. I really miss you bro... Fuck!!! I'm getting all misty-eyed at work. :(

Anyway, if that isn't all bad enough the chick who used my heart as a floormat is having her wedding tomorrow night and My mom, my sister and I are going to attend. My mom and her mom were really close friends and this is their last chance to see each other because her mom is moving to Hawaii soon after the wedding. Of course the girl who's getting married is my friend too I suppose, even though we hardly talk anymore even through email. Even though it was really painful, when we stopped seeing each other, I try my best to remember only the good things.

She was my first sexual relationship since my divorce. Before her things seemed so bleak and hopeless, then she came into my life and even for just a moment things seemed right. Suddenly love was possible again, having a beautiful woman in my arms, to have her lips against my mouth, that was possible again and for that moment however brief I felt an almost undescribable joy. It will be painful to know that she will be getting married and the possibility of having her in my arms and experiencing that joy once again will be reduced to nothingness.

It's not just me torturing myself though. I have to go to this wedding, much in the same way a person goes to a funeral for a loved one who passed away, to bring themselves a sense of closure. Plus, I want to show up at that wedding reception looking damn good so she could take one last look at the piece of USDA prime beef stud passed over. Umm yeah, that prime beef stud would be me uh-huh... =p Anyhoo, maybe she's a vegetarian, and beef just wasn't her thing, who the hell knows? Let her chew on limp celery sticks for the rest of her life for all I care... ;) And of course the egotist in me still has this morbid curiousity of me wondering how much better or worse this guy looks compared to me because I never met the guy myself. My mom did though, she said I looked better, then again she IS my mom, she is contractually obligated to say those things. =p My mom also had a conversation with the bride-to-be's sister who said if it were her, she would take me in a heartbeat over the other guy, so at least I know her sister has the hots for me. Too bad she's married with children, or I would have entertained that sentiment, not that I don't totally appreciate it. ;)

*sigh* Life goes on I guess, and work is officially over so i'm gonna bounce out. I got a house party I'm going to hit after the wedding on Saturday Night. perfect distraction I'd say. It's gonna be one hell of a Memorial Day weekend, I'll tell ya that much, may the booze I drink this weekend help kill all the pain, even if it it is only temporoary relief...