Sorry I haven't been updating frequently. I have all these thoughts swimming in my head but I haven't had much energy as of late to put all these thoughts into words. Anyway it's been a really long time, probably a year since I've been in a sexual relationship. Hell I haven't even been on so much as a date all this time. When it comes to these things I just feel so hopelessly inept. It's ironic really because I feel that I can give so much of myself in a relationship. But no matter how much I wish, no matter how much I hope, no matter how much I try, it seems that fate has destined me to live these moments alone, void of female companionship. It's a painful thing to even fathom but I'm starting to consider the possibility that I may indeed spend the rest of my life alone. I know if I just let go and give up this very moment, that possibility would become inevitability because loneliness what my life seems to naturally gravitate towards.

When I open my eyes and look around me, I see people who aren't even looking gravitating towards each other. Relationships that aren't initially intended by either partner seem to occur serendipitously as if fate has hurled the two bodies towards each other and they get caught and intertwined in each other�s gravity. That kind of thing happens to me so rarely that I�m actually surprised it has ever happened at all. It is as if I benefited from some gross oversights on the part of fate, oversights that have long since been corrected and I have been returned to my �rightful� place of loneliness and solitude.

I don�t mean to be so bleak, but after spending so much time being alone it�s so much easier to blame fate on my woes than to admit my own inadequacies and ineptitudes. Being honest with myself it�s probably a combination of both, I have so little opportunities in terms of finding and meeting the opposite sex and when they eventually do arise I either mess it up or I�m simply too afraid to even take a risk. It�s like I�ve become a product of my own damnation to loneliness. I�m not sure this is even something I can even resolve on my own anyway, but then who else do I have to rely on if not myself?

If all that isn�t bad enough, I think I may have set the bar almost too high for myself. I have this ridiculous notion that my "soul mate" exists somewhere, that I may someday find her, someone that is capable of receiving and expressing unconditional love, the kind that I know exists because I have experienced and have given that kind of love. I think that if I keep hoping a wishing and searching that I may some day find her and we can finally be together in each other�s arms where we belong. In retrospect what I have been desiring is so grand that it seems that it could only occur under the circumstances of a perfect cosmic alignment. I realize now that what I want is too large and grand to exist in this reality. I�m so fucking tired of dreaming for something that is never going to happen.

Besides I have already loved and I have already lost, they say it's better than never having loved at all and I tend to agree. For brief moments in my life I knew what it was like for my heart to soar. I have felt the both the pain and the joy of loving someone so much. I know what it is like to set the person I have loved free even if all I wanted was to hold on. I consider myself fortunate to have had those experiences, and I release from within me any further expectation that love will happen to me again. Instead I will seek the simpler forms of happiness that life has to offer. I will be thankful that I am still alive, that I am still healthy, that I am still breathing. It is time that I set myself free of expectation so I will. From this point on, whatever happens, happens. At this point doesn�t matter what happens to me anymore. I no longer care. Let me suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, let the sky come down upon me, condemn me to the eternal void. It just doesn�t matter.