It looks like I got quite a few negative reactions from my last entry. This is not an excuse or anything but yes the males on the side of my family I am close to are pretty much a bunch of sick womanizing bastards and my cousin is no exception. If anything the more of an asshole he is, the more women tend to be attracted to him. Even in myself I could see a tendency towards this sexual "sickness". The only things that separate me from them is that I haven't left behind a trail of broken hearts, mostly due to my ineffectiveness with attracting the opposite sex and partially due to my general desire to evolve and be a better person.

Still, I can see myself easily spiraling down that path because I've never truly been challenged in that respect. There has never been a situation in my life where a woman has really thrown herself at me. If that were to happen I really don't know how much willpower I would have in turning away someone who wants me for my body. I've been wanting women in that way for most of my life so it would be hypocritical of me to suddenly be righteous in that respect. I guess in theory if I were a committed relationship it would be more a test of my integrity than a test of my willpower. I guess I can't say that I would absolutely give in to sexual temptation however because if I were truly in love other sexual or romantic possibilities would automatically be filtered out in my mind.

Part of the reason I'm so interested in sex and the many ways sex can be expressed from what my cousins, the one who did the video and my late cousin Ray the one who passed away two years ago have related me. I mean they are like brothers to me. Listening to them helped open my eyes to the kinds of sex I have been missing most of my life. In terms of sexual experience I envy them so much. Even though I'm the oldest among the cousins in this side of the family I sometimes can't help but feel inferior to them, even Ray who passed away 2 years ago. I could probably live another 50 years and not have the same amount of women that he had who had loved him. You should of seen his funeral, so many of his ex girlfriends crying over him, some of whom were married. It was almost surreal. My best friend would cry if that were me. I guess that is enough.

I guess I really don't have to worry about all these hypothetical things because the truth is women are not attracted to me in that way. At best the women in my life want to protect, nurture and mother me. At worst women treat me like I'm invisible, like I'm something to be passed over and easily dismissed. To my recollection no woman, at least any I've met in "real life" has expressed any desire to just rip my clothes off and fuck me to the point of sheer exhaustion. It's a shame really because I'd like to experience something like that in this lifetime.

But back to the subject at hand, part of me does realize it would be pretty "low down" for him to make a video of a sexual act without his partner's consent. I really don't know if he got her consent or not. Part of me really doesn't want to know. Even if he did get her consent it would be wrong for him to showcase it to me and it would subsequently be wrong of me to look at it. I remember my heart breaking when I saw that video. Perhaps if it were just some random girl I may not have given it a second thought, but this was someone with whom I had a serious crush with and at that moment I was jealous, wishing it was me she was making love to.

At any rate it's not my place to judge him. In terms of sexual desire at least, I'm no angel. I'd be lying if I didn't fantasize about recording my sexual acts. It would be nice to have something to remember the women I have made love to, something other than a broken heart. If I were in his situation I probably would have told her about my fantasy and I would have asked for her consent. Perhaps I'll discuss the whole thing with him over some weed or something, but I'm not his dad, I'm not here to teach him right from wrong, it just isn't my place. Perhaps it would be enough just to get him to think about what he has done and let him decide on his own what is right or wrong.

OMFG! I can't believe what I just fucking saw! Don't get me wrong, I love my cousin to death but right now I both praise and loathe him. He came up to me with his laptop in hand and said "I have to show you something..."

He just showed me an amateur "porn video" of him doing the nasty with this chick I totally had the hots for. She was fucking beautiful, jet black hair, beautiful eyes, nice body and this fucking sexy Eastern European accent. If I were to compare her to an actress I'd say she reminds me of Mila Jojovich.

The sick bastard had a low light digital cam set up in his bedroom and has it all down in his laptop. I was watching this video clip and I'm like saying "Holy Fuck!" to myself. OK, so I'm totally fucking jealous, I fucking admit it!

I remember the look in her eyes she wanted someone to do this to her and I did not heed the signs. Perhaps it was because she came back from a trip to Bosnia engaged to be married. I guess I didn't want the karma of macking someone's fianc�, but damn she was just so fucking beautiful, I just can't help but wonder "what if?". Then I see the this fucking video, it's enough to throw me for a serious fucking loop.

Then I see the fucking "hitch" where things went wrong. Flashing back, two birthdays ago at what was supposed to be mine and Ray's birthday/costume party, only Ray died the June before. The chick who I was totally in love with and later broke my heart and got married with someone else was in attendance. She was there for my birthday, we hadn't seen each other in a while, so I was obviously preoccupied, but the eastern European chick was totally buzzed and flirting with me every time I passed her in the party, I mean it could have so totally been on if I wasn't entertaining the chick that later broke my heart.

Now here is the "rub" and I totally love this one, the "heartbreaker" chick didn't make love with me that night. I mean we kissed and made out. I still remember that time vividly because it was the last time I kissed someone with complete passion. (yes, this was over 2 yeas ago, how pathetcic am I?) I remember how soft her lips were, I remember how good it felt with her body against mine and I remember her totally leaving me with blue-balls. Just the thought about it now gives me the same emotional sting of that moment. To be in love with someone so intensely and to be rejected by that same person.

It just makes me wonder, if I went back to that crossroad and acted differently. If I forked left instead of right. I wonder how differently things would have turned out. Then I remembered several months after that B-day party, it was the B-day of a mutual friend. The hot eastern European chick looked depressed. She was going to head to Germany for good to be with her fianc� and I assume to get married. I never got into a discussion with my cousin, but if I'm reading the signs right I'd say they had a "falling out". I think she really wanted to stay but my cousin was probably being his usual noncommittal asshole of a self and it looked like she was suffering from a broken heart.

I spent that whole party next to her and she was totally vibing me, I mean she was sitting on my lap, letting me cuddle her. This was the closest we had ever gotten with each other and I remember it feeling so fucking good. It was that moment I knew that if things were somehow different we could have totally hit it off. I'm not just talking about hot sex, not that I'm opposed to the idea, but I'm talking about the possibility of a true connection. At the end of the night I walked her to her car and tried to kiss her but she turned and gave me her cheek. I guess it really wasn't meant to be, but still it was enough to just make me wonder to this very day, "what if?".

Sometimes I wish life was just a little more straightforward. There are just so many "gray areas" so much room for doubt and regret. It is as if life is offering you a brief glimmer of joy, just enough for you know, to feel, to taste what it is like, only to take it away from you once you try to embrace it and make it your own. You hope for something better and get absolutely nothing and I keep wondering what is it that I have done, what it is that I am doing for me to deserve all this pain, all this loneliness. The only answer I could come up with are that there are no answers. This is my fucking life.