My mom told me last night that her friend was visiting her tonight. This isn't just any friend mind you, she's the mom of the last girl that broke my heart. Yes, it's the same girl I mentioned in my 100 things. I don't know, it all seems so weird. 

I thought for sure that after the wedding it would be the last I would be seeing of that family. My mom's friend found a job in Hawaii and because her last daughter is married off, she was free to pursue her career in whatever place offered. In my mind I accepted that I would never see or hear from them again. But I guess the job she had over there didn't work out, on top of her missing her family even if they are "all grown up". But then here she is, back in town and coming to visit my mom tonight.

I remember at one time my mom's friend had me calling her "mom". I remember her being so happy at the idea of me and her daughter going together. But now, after all that has happened, I'm not sure what to call her anymore. I mean do I still have the privilege of calling her "mom" now that her daughter, whom I once loved deeply is married off to someone else? Or do I go back to calling her by her first name like nothing ever really happened, as if the whole situation has not transformed me in some wicked way on the inside? Maybe I shouldn't address her at all in the third person, I mean I'm an intelligent enough conversationalist to avoid third person references. If I get cornered into it however I guess I should just call her by her first name, I mean that's all that we are to each other now isn't it?

I don't know why I'm getting all bent out of shape because of this. Just when I thought I put the past well behind me, something or someone comes along to remind me. I guess it's because that girl was the last person whom I had really intense feelings for. She is the last girl whom I had simultaneously fell in love with and had physical intimacy with. I mean I fell in love after and I had sex after, but never really both, and never with that same intensity. 

I think it's because being with her allowed me to experience how good life could feel even if it was just for those few moments. I guess that is why I cherish those moments to this day long after it had already happened, despite the equally intense pain of knowing I can never experience those things with her again. I guess it's all just reminder that I'm not quite the bad-ass loner type I thought myself to be in the not too distant past. When I got divorced I never felt so liberated in my life. I felt like a great burden had been lifted from my shoulders, that I no longer had to sacrifice myself for the relationship, that I no longer had to pretend. That was long ago however. Now it's more a feeling of loneliness and longing as if I am not quite complete. For sure that whole experience has brought me closer to my humility.

I wish I could just get over it. I wish I could feel something other than pain, something other than regret. I wish I could see something over the horizon other than all this bleakness, this emptiness. But I guess this is my path in life at the moment I have to accept it and maintain the hope that it will change. Until then I could use an ice-cold martini. A dozen actually...