Finally, Friday night has arrived. Nothing solid planned for tonight, but hey the night is still young... As for tomorrow night, there are definite plans in the works. iCandy, some modeling magazine I believe, is sponsoring a "Hot for Teacher" Night at Transit. I need to russle up some cash. I don't want to fucking miss this...

Here's the Promo:

School is back in session at Chicago's visually stimulating and erotically delicious monthly event and your teacher is keeping you after class for a very special lesson. Make sure you study, because we guarantee your homework was never quite like this!

With the sexy iCandy Go-Go Sorority Girls and Music Professors Chris Tomasone, Martin "Boogieman" Luna, John Curley, Flipside, Goose and Jay Funk...you won't want to be tardy!

I'll have to make it a point not to drool over my cool threads... ;) OK, I really suck at planning but I really think it would be a cool thing if someone organized a get-together among all the Diarylanders in Chicago. I mean I already know a bunch of cool people I've made acquaintances with through d-land in Chicago already. I figure why not make a fucking party out of this? Am I the only one that thinks this is a cool idea or what?

Oh yeah, I got a stroke of inspiration and made myself a "blink" button, inspired by The Matrix. The background animation is a little choppy but hey, I think it does the trick. I'll have to make a "link to me" page sometime soon.�

Look out for another one of my banners coming soon. I just need to find a way to make screenshots from DVDs. I think you need special software for that. Bleh, maybe next time.�

As for me, I really don't know what to say. Alternating feelings of depression, anger and despair. Definitely not good for the soul. I'm trying to find my balance, my center but I've been off balance for so long it seems like everything is shifted, skewed, out of place. Moments of happiness are becoming harder to find. In my loneliness I feel that I have somehow lost my philosophy and I seem to be operating on baser more primal instincts. I'd like to think that this is a "shift in focus" of my personal evolution rather than an abandonment of it.� Like I am seeking some kind of sexual evolution, some kind of "tantric nirvana" but I don't know.�

The thoughts I've been having, the feelings, the desire to have all or nothing. It's impossible to have all, no person can embrace all of it, to chase it is useless, so the desire for nothing comes into the forefront. I can see how seductive the nihilistic way of thinking is. Thoughts of death, thoughts of becoming utter nothingness, anything to break free from the constant pain and uselessness of life. But then I think about this life. What if this is my one and only chance at life? What if this is my only chance to truly live? I have an eternity to rot in my coffin once I get there. Fuck death. I want the moments where I can truly feel alive. I want to taste, I want to touch, I want to feel, I want to embrace.�

People talk about near death experiences, where the see themselves outside their bodies or maybe walking towards some blinding white light. Fuck all that. It is my contention that we are all pretty much dead, condemned to living the same thing over and over. We spend most of our waking lives in jobs that we don't really like to pay for all these things we don't really need until our very lives become a constant, repetitive exercise in futility. We might as well be dead anyway. Fuck all of that.

What I'm looking for is near-life experiences, the ones where you wake up and you are fucking glad to be alive. Moments where you appreciate just being able to breathe. I'm looking for the next kiss, the next embrace, the next moment where I can show the intensity of my passion.� This is why I am still alive. I am awaiting, no I am seeking feverishly for my next near-life experience. May I find it soon...