It has been totally uncool these past few days. Monday morning I was totally late for work, I just slept through my alarm and I was seriously over an hour late. Not good, not good at all. I called telling them I'm coming in late as a courtesy but even so it couldn't have possibly looked good. I spent most of my workday just catching up with things I was behind on. When I got home I was just completely unmotivated to do anything productive, which was bad because I had an assignment due the evening of the next day.

Tuesday was even worse. The assistant supervisor was relating to me on what our boss had complained to him about me. My boss seems to be having this impression that I'm not doing enough work because he catches me on on the PC every so often, mostly on email. He of course assumes the worst because very little of what we do involves email, so long story short, my boss thinks I'm slacking.

Even worse was that there has been some discussion between my boss and the assistant supervisor about hiring a contractor they let go a few months back on a full-time basis. The implication which is a scary one is that he may replace me. Unlike hiring some unknown person who can't touch the level of work I do, this guy actually knows what he is doing and thus can easily do my job. So now I have this crap hanging over my head and the wringer is that I haven't been doing company related work 100% of the time. Really I don't think anyone does. Sometimes I hit non-work related E-mail, sometimes I look over stuff for my class, but I only do it during the downtime when there's nothing immediate that needs to be accomplished.

If there is work that needs to be done I execute it with great speed. If an emergency comes up and it's down to the wire, I get is resolved in a reasonable amount of time. I do a lot of extra work too, things that are not always overtly visible like if there's a PC on the shelf that has some sort of mechanical problem, I either fix it or I stack it on my workbench for it to be fixed. My boss sees a stack of unfinished equipment and he automatically assumes that I'm letting my work fall behind when in actuality I'm taking on work that's above and beyond the call of duty. Seriously I think I bring more broken equipment back to life more than anyone else, but does he see that? I can't stand working for people who are so myopic. Recognize my fucking skills bitches! But no, but the crosshairs seem to be aimed at me and I'm like WTF? I wish people would do more research instead of jumping to conclusions. I really wish my boss brought all this crap up to me personally so I can open his eyes to all the work I fucking do. Hopefully it will come up one way or another and hopefully I can help clear things up. Still, I couldn't help but feel deflated.

Anyway, the guys at work sprung for pizza yesterday for lunch for my b-day since I'm taking off this Friday for my real b-day. My boss took the day off, but I couldn't help but feel down even during my own b-day lunch with the boss absent because of all the stuff my assistant supervisor said to me. I mean my boss totally bitched at him about me, saying he wants to take away the divider of my cubicle because he doesn't trust me and he wants to take away my laptop because I'm spending "too much time" on it, along with the possibility of hiring the other guy and dropping me. I mean I just had no energy whatsoever to enjoy being treated for lunch. I could hardly work a genuine smile for all the birthday well-wishing.

It's not only that, but aside from my regular work stuff, I had a list of things to do that needed to be accomplished that day, so it turned an otherwise easy day, into a hectic, race against the clock day. I know my boss pulls that fucking ridiculous "to do" list crap because he doesn't trust that I'd do my work when he's gone. An asshole move if you asked me but hey, he's the fucking boss. Anyway, normally I wouldn't mind staying late to get stuff done, but I had class that evening and unfinished homework that needed to be accomplished so here I am going back and forth making sure that I could get everything finished before 5:00pm giving me crazy stress.

If that wasn't bad enough, I got a call from my ex, telling me that she has been sick the past few days with Bronchitis and she was apologizing ahead of time that she could not make it to my planned birthday outings because she can't drink or be around any place with smoke. I of course tried to be uncondtional and told her that it was OK, that I understood. I even joked around with her a little and asked her if she wanted be to lay my hand on her forehead and "heal" her. She laughed at my comment, but deep inside it stung. The person whom I regard as my best friend is going to be a no-show at my own birthday. I mean I already feel down about my birthday, this just made my birthday feel all the less special. She still wanted to take me out for dinner on a separate occasion.

I guess that's some consolation but it didn't stop me from feeling totally deflated, it was like it was happening to me all at once. So I went to the bathroom and fucking broke down. I wanted the tears to stop but they kept falling. I hate when I get emotional like this, especially at work, but there was little I could do about it. Eventually I pulled myself together and got back to my desk. I tried starting my homework but for the life of me I couldn't figure it out. I had absolutely no energy left so for the first time this quarter I skipped out on class on Tuesday night and I also failed to hand in an assignment for the first time in this class. I just couldn't fucking handle it it seemed like everything was just falling apart and all I could do was watch. I just hope I didn't miss a fucking quiz because that on top of the homework would fucking suck.

Today was a little better, my boss didn't fucking say a thing to me. He's still treating me like nothing is wrong. I suppose he might have been venting but still, the kind of things he was venting about me wasn't exactly pretty. I decided to stay on the fucking ball and to give him no reason whatsoever to doubt me so I won't be touching e-mail or my diary at work until things blow over. I still had to do some homework but I tried being as discreet as possible. I was able to get the bulk of my homework finished after 5:00pm, which was free game for me anyway but it made me late for class again for the first time this quarter. I wandered in about 15 min late but fortunately just in time for a quiz. I was probably marked absent during roll call, but hey it was better than missing the grade for my assignments that were due that evening including a final revision of one of my assignments.

Anyway I snapped out of my momentary state of depression but not without it's price. Now I'm a lecture and a homework behind in my Statistics class. I just hope I can pick up what I need to know from the PowerPoint slides the instructor posts on the class website for the lecture and cross my fingers that I didn't miss a quiz. I'm really iffy on how "happy" my birthday is going to be. I don't think loading up on the booze is going to help me at all. If anything it will probably make me more depressed which is why I only like drinking when I feel good. I've been in a financial pinch anyway so I probably can't afford to get properly wasted anyway, not with what the clubs are charging for drinks these days. I've already maxed 2 credit cards for all the going out I've been doing. Last weekend my card bounced and I had to fork over all my cash, so I'm seriously broke. What I have in my pocket can't get me a vending machine snack. Still, I think I just need to get out so I don't lull into another depressive state. I need the old Derrick back, right now I just feel so fucking weak, like I just want to give it all up, like it's all slipping away. Really if I could just go to sleep now and wake up Sunday all refreshed and ready to tackle the world, that's probably all I want for my birthday. Probably not going to happen, but hey it's a nice thought.

I know there have been comments and notes and emails and the like. First I'd like to say, thank you, thank you and thank you so much for commenting. If anything it makes me feel less alone in this otherwise lonely time in my life. I also would like to truly apologize for not being able to respond all your correspondence. I'm sitting here staring at the screen trying to think up words for a decent response and nothing is coming out. Really, I don't think I'm good for anything right now other that bitching about how much my life really sucks. I do promise to respond when or if I actually pull myself together. I guess now really isn't a good time, in fact it just fucking sucks. I just hope I don't wind up doing anything rash the next few days. Whatever. I just wanted to let you all know that I'm not ignoring you. I'm just fucked up right now if that isn't already evident.

Anyway, I think I'm going to have me some dinner, a huge bag of potato chips and if I have the patience, Ramen Noodles. So OK just the chips tonight... After that I think I'll call it a night, catch some Zzzzzzzz's. I figure I might as well sleep early since waking up in the morning and getting to work on time has proven to be a huge challenge as of late and I'll be damned if I gave those fuckers at work more ammunition to shoot with. If only bitch slapping were an acceptable form of communication in the workplace, I'd love my job so much, almost too much...