So here I am on the eve of my birthday doing nothing in particular. I guess you can say that I'm less bummed than I was last entry, but not so much that I'm jumping for joy. I spoke with my boss today, when he wanted to talk with me personally I almost had an ulcer, I could feel my stomach turning, but it actually turned out to be an okay conversation. It was more of him pointing out my strengths and weaknesses than anything else. He made his suggestions and I made mine. He didn't go so far as to threaten my job, but I won't disqualify that possibility.

I guess my whole outlook concerning both my birthday and my job is to hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Anything can happen, and I don't doubt life's ability to surprise me. If anything I welcome change to my mundane life, even if that change is a negative one. I'm tired of living the same day over and over again, doing the same thing over and over again. I feel like I'm stuck in some wretched cycle and I feel I need some sort of profound change to break that cycle. A worst-case scenario is that I lose my job which creates a domino-effect where I lose my ability to go to school, the ability to support myself, I lose my condo, possibly my car and I get knocked straight back to square one. If that's the worst life will bring to me then fucking bring it.

As for my birthday, fuck it. It seems like that day is doomed to suck. Just like my last few birthdays. I remember them all to well. It started with my 29th birthday, it had something to do with the number, I mean I was almost 30 and had little to show for it. I think it fell on a Tuesday and on that particular day it didn't seem like anyone cared. It just totally fucked me over mentally. My mom sung "Happy Birthday" on the phone for me. That made me smile, but other than that it kinda sucked. The party wasn't until the weekend however. That was the last birthday that Ray was alive and since our birthdays were close we celebrated that one together. We had a damn good party, a costume party at that since it fell so close to Halloween and suddenly my troubles were washed away with the jungle juice.

My 30th birthday was supposed to be something special. Ray and I were planning another Halloween/B-day Costume bash. He wanted to make it special for my big "Three-O" Were he still alive, I think I might have enjoyed that one, but unfortunately he passed away the June before. We still had the party but my big "Three-O" just wasn't the same without him. It became more of a Ray Memorial party which was cool because I really didn't want to celebrate my own birthday anymore. It just wasn't the same. That was also the night the girl who I was in love with came to visit me just for my birthday. She was with me all night, we even kissed, but at the end of the night she didn't want to sleep with me. You can't imagine the heartbreak and confusion I felt that night. I guess life isn't truly complete until the person with whom you are in love with rejects you.

My 31st birthday was low-key. We went to lounge that I used to frequent. Most of my family and a few friends were there. It was a nice evening all in all. One thing that was particularly devastating about it was my ex, whom even back then I regarded as a very good friend, and despite weeks of planning ahead of time couldn't show up to my birthday. Something about having to pick up her parents at the airport. I told her to come afterward or any time she wanted, but she said it would be too late. I told her that I would miss her and after I got off the phone with her I just fucking broke down. The pain went all the way down to my soul and it just cause a chain reaction of the bad memories of my previous birthdays. I'll have to make a mental note never to be so callous as to abandon anyone whom I care about during their birthday. The fact I am getting the same treatment from her this birthday, well let's just say I'm not taking it as a good sign, that the person whom I still regard as my best friend is going to be a birthday no-show twice in a row. It makes me wonder what I am to her if anything...

I have no idea what the day October 24th is going to hold for me. I am hoping that recent history does not repeat itself and I yet again fall into utter emotional devastation. In a way I already have so I'm hoping my previous episodes this week will be the last of that kind of pain for a while. I'm not really looking for a joyous exaltation, I mean given my past history it would be ridiculous to even imagine that. If it turns out to be just another weekend, that is probably better that I could ever hope for. I should probably be happy that I'm alive and stuff.

Anyway, the past few days have been taking their toll, so I think I'll be calling it a night. If I manage to wake up alive tomorrow, I hope I'll wake up a new man but if I should die before I wake, I thank the Lord my life to take...