I wasn't sure what to put here. Life has been hopelessly uneventful since my last update and in terms of my emotional state, I've been feeling mediocre at best. I guess there has been one thing that has been hanging over my head for a while now and for a long while I have been purposefully avoiding mention of it. 

This whole thing was triggered by a question in the comments box of my 100 things entry. It has been there for a while actually but I somehow missed it until some else dropped a comment in there fairly recently. Some anonymous person asked about the girl whom I met on the internet and mentioned in my 100 things and numerous other diary entries. To tell you the truth I'm not really sure. Last I checked, which could have easily been months ago, she changed her major to pre-law and has been very busy with school and work and also last I can remember is that she is truly, madly and deeply in love with her boyfriend.

To this day I don't suspect her situation has changed much. To be completely honest, the whole situation was difficult for me. We kind of had a falling out of sorts. On IM I tried staying "cool" with her, when she had a problem with her boyfriend or whatever I was there to listen and comfort her and be there for her as a friend. In the inside however I was fucking dying so I related those feelings in my diary. 

I guess she was overwhelmed by the my emotional outpourings about her in my diary. She was angry because I wasn't being completely honest with her as I was in my diary and I suppose she had every right to be angry so I resolved never to write about her in my diary again. If I had something to say to her or about her we could discuss it in the privacy of an IM conversation. 

The problem was that I could barely catch her on IM anymore. Sometimes I'd catch her idling with her away message on, but she was never there to talk. There were other times when I would catch her but then she had to go, the minute I opened a message to her on IM. For a short while we even frequented the same discussion forums. She got the link from my diary and I think she actually made a few friends in there. We'd talk in the forums on occasion as well but for the most part we hardly talked anymore. I mean yeah, I know she's a busy person, but it didn't stop the whole thing from eating away at me on the inside.

Somehow she became the reason I logged into AIM and the forums I used to frequent and when I didn't talk to her or even worse she was talking to someone else, it made me feel like shit. I didn't want to feel that way anymore and I especially didn't like the kind of person I was becoming so I made myself stop. I stopped logging into AIM and I stopped visiting the discussion forums and basically poured all my energy into my diary.

It's been since May or June maybe? About 4-5 months. Although I do have the occasional tinge of nostalgia when I think about connection we once had, this whole self-imposed "blackout" period helped me put the whole thing into perspective. I discovered that much of the pain I felt about her was caused mostly by me wanting what I couldn't have, dwelling upon it too much and beating myself up because I thought of myself as someone who was unworthy.

The whole thing with her was quite a learning experience for me. In a way, she helped me put the whole "internet relationship thing" into perspective. I know that no matter what I felt, there was little I could do to overcome the distance barrier between us. I found that the internet is perhaps the most difficult and the most frustrating ways to find love, so basically I stopped looking for love on the 'net.

I think the whole experience just made me put my guard up in general. I know I'm not nearly as open emotionally as I once was. I guess that's not such a bad thing. It's a harsh world out there. To walk around with your heart open like that is just asking for a world pain. No thank you. This is not to say I'm not open to friendships that have the possibility of romance. You just won't see me falling for the next female that gives me an ounce of attention. 

I think these past few years I've been sufficiently jaded that it falling in love for me will no longer come so easily. I'm starting to distinguish more vividly the difference between falling in love and falling in lust. Lust can happen any time, it's chemical reaction, a biological reflex. Don't get me wrong, I actually like when it happens and I wish it would happen much more often. I like it when my heart skips, when I get butterflies, when my breath goes short and when the feeling is mutual so much the better. Still, I don't think I would ever place any more meaning beyond that. Sure it may seem my heart is soaring to the cosmos and heaven and earth stands still, but really it's just a bunch of fucking hormones that are driving me to get laid and to spread my seed, so to speak. What the fuck is that? 

Anyway, enough of my rant. As for the girl, I guess I'll always have a special place in my heart for her, just like I do for the few women I have loved and/or fallen in love with. Maybe one time we will talk again and be able to resume some sort of friendship. But for now there's little if anything between us in terms of relationship. I mean we barely talk online or otherwise. Perhaps that is just the way it has to be for now.