Lately I've been suffering from one of the worse kinds of writer's block, the kind where a million things are running through my mind but I am having extreme difficulty putting those thoughts into words. I start typing and the words all seem to come out the same way, like a broken-record and when I go back to read it I don't like what I read so I just scrap the entire thing.

It's frustrating to say the least when you want to get something off of your chest but really don't want to come off sounding like a broken record. What I want to say are things that I have mentioned dozens of times in the past all jam-packed with my usual bitching and moaning: "Derrick gets no love, no sex, no extra-cheesy nachos with jalapenos, et cetera..." and that my friends makes life suck in so many different ways and not at all in the way I enjoy.

Part of this introspection was prompted by a question in my comments box about that girl in my class whom I asked out directly twice, once to a Halloween party, once to the opening weekend of the Matrix Revolutions. I've been turned down politely by her twice. Sensing that I may still have had some chemistry with her, I considered asking her out a third time, following my "three strike" rule, but then I remembered asking her out indirectly, along with the classmates in my group, to my birthday previously so I basically counted that with my other two "strikes" and thus considered the whole thing a "strike out".

The final class that we had together has come and gone and though we go to the same school the chance that we will run into each other again is very slim, but if I do run into her again perhaps I'll consider it another "inning" and swing at 3 more "pitches" to overuse my baseball analogy. I also have her e-mail and number though I'm not certain how big of a window of time would be appropriate to call again and maybe be more direct with my intentions, like perhaps a romantic dinner. My instinct tells me to just take the hint and cut my losses, so for lack of better input I'll do just that.

Anyway, with all that said, I'm led to believe that I have entered a vicious cycle in my life, one of misery, loneliness and constant failure in terms of relating to the opposite sex. Breaking out of this cycle hasn't been easy. It has been more than 3 years since I have divorced and in all actuality that was my last truly serious relationship. Except for a few intense but short-lived sexual encounters, nothing has come close to the magnitude of that one "big relationship".

I suppose I can't totally complain. Being alone for so long afforded me so many unique opportunities for me to learn and know about myself, opportunities that would perhaps be non-existent had my relationship situation or lack thereof, been different. It just that I'm at a point in my life were I'm not learning anything new about myself anymore except perhaps that my life is growing lonelier and more pathetic as time progresses. Again an interesting path to self-discovery, but when the time spent traveling that path begins to be countable in years and that path seems to be going in circles one begins to wonder where this is all going. At what point has self-discovery turned into stagnation?

It all goes back to that vicious circle... Today is a repetition of yesterday and tomorrow is a repetition of today, years go by in a blink yet nothing seems to change. It is obvious I have reached an impasse in my life and I know that living even one more day under the status quo will only suck me further and deeper into the vicious circle of failure and despair. I seek drastic and profound change in my life and that will only happen with drastic and profound action. I need to find a way to break this cycle of failure and disappointment or I feel I will be stuck in it forever.

It would take a series of successes for sure, but I think I only need one to start and build a chain reaction. I know that even a single success will not happen if I continue living my life passively like I have been most of my life. I can no longer be content to lay back and see "what happens next". I know that I have to make something happen or simply be content with the status quo.

I don't know when and I don't know how, but I know that I need that "something" to happen and I need to cause it and I have to be willing to go out of my way to get it. Profound life change is not easy, but somehow and in some way I know I can do this. All that is left now is just to do...