I've been meaning to post an entry for the past few days now, having prepared several drafts and scrapping all of them because I can't seem to write anything better than my own incoherent rambling, bitching and over-analysis of my life and my perceived failings as a person in general.

Worst of all I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor which in the past has served wonderfully to soften the edge of my writing. I'm starting to feel my writing as dull, dark and uninspiring, much like my life. I can't seem to find the glimmer or spark of hope I used to have. I can't help but feel cynical and bleak about life in general.

There is something inside me that I want to let out, however so instead of trying to write one way or another, I have decided to write how I feel and to just let it all out. Forget about trying to make it look good, forget about making it humorous to soften the edge. This shit is coming straight from my head.

Anyway, I hate to admit it but I think I've placed too much emphasis on sexual fulfillment as my salvation because my best memories involved sexual fulfillment. Having been without it for so long I can seen now that the feelings and sensations generated with sexual contact is mostly in the mind, an illusion one can choose to take to heart or not.

It can be difficult to think objectively with such powerful sexual urges being generated within. In my introspection however I have come to one conclusion, that sex is not my salvation. At best it can be a diversion from the pain and misery of life, but I don't think a largely physical act, even one as intense as sexual intercourse can fill the the kind of void that is growing inside me.

If anything the whole "sex" thing, at this point of my life at least, is just way too big for me. I can totally picture myself falling in love with the next woman I fuck, somehow adding glorious attributes to a woman who may or may not even have them, all this by virtue of sharing this physical intimacy with me. I think someone like me has to start out slow, I have to know the woman as a person. I need her to be able to relate to me on levels beyond the physical.

I want her to stare into my darkness and not be afraid of it. I want her too see beyond my darkness and perhaps catch that glimmer of light that I think I still have. The possibility such a woman exists in my world seems so miniscule. Can anyone blame me for having such a bleak outlook?

I'm thinking that I should pursue things more discrete and attainable and do it in such a way that I have not given up hope for finding my soul mate. I'm talking about pursuing the simpler things like the next time I can hold hands, my next kiss... Sex is definitely too big a pill for me to swallow at this point. I should start simple and work from there. I just want someone I can spend a few moments of simple happiness with. If I'm lucky I'll find those few moments of happiness and I'll find them with someone special. If I'm really lucky it may even be with someone whom can grow and evolve that happiness with. If anything, I think that is my new purpose in life.

I think I'm getting ahead of myself though. I think it all must begin with a simplification of my wants and needs. The first thing I need to do release myself of any expectation of happiness. Where I am now is a consequence of things I have chosen to do and things that I have failed to do and any happiness or lack thereof is also a consequence of that. But regardless of what I have done or not done, I think it is the expectation that leads to disappointment. It gets in the way of me living and enjoying life. It blinds me to the the triumphs of spirit large and small that I may have had. I should stop expecting and just start living.

I think it's good to end it on that note...