So OK, it's a new year, aside from getting used to signing my checks and documents with 2004 instead of 2003, it that time of year for making those potentially life-changing promises to yourself that you really, really hope to keep. I looked back at one of my older entries circa January 2003 back when I was making my entries weblog style. I know I had a resolution back then, but I "conveniently" failed to write it down in an entry. I suppose I didn't want to make myself accountable for the inevitable failure that making such a grand promise would entail.

I had a few good ones too, resolutions like doing well in school, working out, making new friends, being more organized, being more independent. One of my favorite all-time resolutions was three years ago in the year 2000 which was to simply get laid. I was divorced, and lonely and I truly needed a break in my sexless slump. I don't think I achieved that lofty goal until sometime in 2001. Better late than never I guess.

My 2001 goal was simpler and less sticky. That goal was simply to make new friends and develop existing friendships. That was the time I had really gotten close to one of my female cousins. I mean we were really tight. We always went out, hung out and talked about everything. It was interesting how things worked out in that way because she and Ray had a falling out of sorts when Ray hooked up with her best friend. That relationship became sort of sticky in a way because she sort of lost two of her closest confidants, Ray and her best friend and she began to be a third wheel to them with a bit of saltiness on the side.

I did what I could do as family and as a friend. I tried sharing with her what semblance of wisdom I possessed and of course we filled each other's void. It wasn't until Ray passed away and she hooked up with her current boyfriend that we stopped hanging out regularly. Despite the tragedy of that year I suppose that was one of the few blessings that made life worthwhile.

For the life of me I can't remember my 2002 resolution. I tried digging back to my old diary on bolt.com but couldn't find any word of it. I wish I could translate my older entries from that diary into this one in diaryland, but that would be a painstaking project. Still, I'm pretty sure my 2002 resolution was a halfway decent one. It had to be better that the resolution I was contemplating for this year which was to not make a resolution at all. I mean really, isn't it a bit ridiculous to make a near-impossible personal change just because it's a new year in the calendar? Why set a standard you couldn't possibly hope to accomplish? That's just setting yourself up for failure. By not making a silly resolution, you aren't setting yourself up for failure because you have no goal to fail then *ding-ding-ding* you are a winner!

Hehe, so OK maybe that's a bit of a cop out. I never said I didn't like it cheap and easy. ;) That's not even the funniest part. It seems my parental units have suddenly taken a keen interest in this year's resolution. My mom suggested I should make new friends for my New Year's resolution. I suppose me tagging along in one of her parties this NYE because none of my cousins or existing friends had any solid plans and seeing me become so hopelessly bored to death in that party may have triggered the idea. Nonetheless it was an interesting resolution since it was one I made for myself two years ago. I suppose I can make that one an ongoing resolution.

Don't get me wrong, part of me loves being a loner. For the most part I can do whatever the fuck I want and I don't really have to answer to anyone. There comes a point where one looks in the mirror and realizes that life in no longer simply about oneself. I have reached that point several times in my life, after my divorce and my heartbreaks in the pursuit of love thereafter.� Losing my best friend Ray was a big one. I thought I was doing just fine as the badass loner type. I thought to myself who fucking needs anybody? Then Ray died and I discovered how much more truly lonely life could be. To this day I'm still trying to fucking struggle out of the ensuing darkness of that tragic event in my life.

My dad's another one, Mr. Tactfulness. He calls me on my cell to wish me a Happy New Year and then so judiciously suggests that my resolution should be to lose weight. In my mind I'm like, thanks dad, like I don't see my own fat ass in the mirror every morning after my shower doing the Austin Powers' - Fat Bastard impression "I'm ded sexeee!!!" while licking my fingers and swirling my nipples with it.

How about I suggest a resolution to you, daddy-o? Stop being a cheap fucking bastard, loan me enough money so I can take classes full-time, finish before 2005 and then I'll have my nights free to get my buff back on. I like that plan better o donor of my Y chromosome. But yeah I see his point too, my beer gut has taken a life of it's own. Can't possibly be sexy for the ladies and that's not a good thing because Derrick needs to get laid. Since I'm just the quiet loner type, looks is all I have to go on...

If that isn't freaky enough an online friend f-v has jumped on Derrick's New Year bandwagon. At first I was like WTF? She's already a unique enough individual to begin with but apparently in adding to her uniqueness she doesn't subscribe to the whole "New Year's Resolution" notion. I can't say that I blame her especially considering the whole thing I wrote several paragraphs back concerning that ridiculous notion of making those self-imposed resolutions that are almost impossible to keep. Instead she prefers to make various "New Year's Projects" and I have become her project or one of her projects for this year.

Apparently I, Derrick have lived a sheltered life not having read certain books like the Lord of the Rings trilogy, or seeing certain movies like Snatch. So her project is to expose me to these various things with the ultimate goal to enrich my life. Personally, I would have preferred and different kind of exposure. Some sweaty monkey sex perhaps? But I figure, as she is getting to know me that I'm starting to come of as some pathetic charity case that triggers more of her maternal nurturing instincts than her primal lustful instincts.

Still, I guess it couldn't hurt to have my mind open to new things and since I do consider her a friend I should at least make an effort to do my part to indulge her good intention on my behalf. My only trepidation is that I'm not sure how how I can accept this showering of attention and not ultimately have feelings for her. I am after all a Scorpio, both a strength and flaw of my intensity is that I'm an "all or nothing" type of guy. But I know she isn't ready, for any type of relationship so ultimately I will be respectful of that. Another key point is that this whole thing also falls in line with the whole "making new friends" resolution I'm running with.

She also thinks I'm way too nice of a guy, like overly considerate or as her best friend "Cosmo" put it "considerate like a woman". That statement was wrong in just so many ways. I mean yeah, I laughed, it was a good rip, but damnit, that was my manhood she was talking about! =p But yeah, despite my urge to randomly bitch slap people, in a way I kind of see their point too. Damn my open-fucking-mindedness.

So looking at past resolutions and taking the suggestions of certain "loved ones" and thinking of ways to improve myself I thought I'd compile a list of resolutions for 2004.

Suggested resolutions and continuations of previous resolutions:

• Finish my Bachelor's Degree.
• Continue building my career.
• Get Laid. - I think this one goes without saying, but yeah Derrick definitely needs to get laid.
• Make new friends and develop existing friendships.
• Get into a regular fitness routine - Ultimately I want to lose weight, buff out, get totally ripped and give my dad constant "fitness pointers" a-la the movie "Pumping Iron" in the way Arnie constantly ripped on Lou Ferrigno, preferably in an Arnold Swarchennegger accent . =p

Of course this list wouldn't be complete without some of my own new resolutions so here they are.

My own new resolutions for 2004:

• No more spontaneous masturbation - This resolution may sound silly but I assure you it's not. I have spent many a late night and caused myself to be late for work many a morning because I gave into the more basic instinct to pleasure myself thus risking the more complex instinct of trying to keep my job. I'm also trying to develop my mentality to be less sexually oriented.

I know that I'm not I'm not going to attract and fulfill a woman's needs by operating solely on my sexual instincts. My theory is that having better control over my masturbatory habits will ultimately result in me having better control of my life. At the very least I'll have a better chance of showing up to work on time instead of consistently arriving 15-30 minutes late which consequently his how long my self-pleasuring sessions typically last.

I thought about giving up self-pleasuring entirely like going on a hunger-strike against fate, but my experiences with giving up self-pleasuring for 40 days for the past two Lenten seasons only served to intensify my sexual desires, so no on that idea. =p�

• Ease up on my "vices" - I've mentioned some of this in previous entries. I basically gave up my weekend binge smoking because I developed a mild cough that hasn't gone away in nearly two months due to my increased weekend activities so I gave up my binge smoking. I still find myself fiending for a cigarette when I'm drinking.

I also found that my weekend drinking binges have been putting a serious dent in my pocketbook so I resolved that I will go out less often. In fact if there is no occasion to go out� I'll just chill on the weekends. I won't go out on any more solo runs or initiate anymore outings and when I do go out I'll take it easy on the booze, spending only cash in hand and not maxing my credit cards Like I have been doing.

I've also resolved to cut down on my weed intake. Usually this is a non-issue because I only smoke it when it becomes available, but lately it has been available much more often and it gives me the same if not worse coughing effect than cigarettes. Perhaps I will take Lili's suggestion and consume the brownie version instead. Mmmmmmmm Brownies.... *drool*;)

I may or may not ease up on these restrictions if my health improves, but so long as it's not going so well I continue for as long as it takes to "stay clean". ;)

• Try to date more often - I suppose this sort of falls in line with my Get Laid resolution of the past, but I think that resolution is jumping the gun just a little bit. Unless I find a slut that wants to fuck me on the spot and for those that have been reading this diary we all know that kind of thing just doesn't happen to Derrick, I'm going to have to follow a more natural progression. First is to be enough of a friend to someone I'm attracted to, then go on a date.

I have a feeling that once I hit the dating stage I'll know if an attraction is mutual. Sometimes you know just from the first kiss, the way you hold hands, the way you hold each other. I miss all of that, but I know that once I begin having the courage to ask women out I may yet have a chance.

Since this is the first time I have actually made a resolution in terms of dating I'll make this one fairly simple. I have to ask at least 12 girls out this year. If I spread this out throughout the year that's 1 girl a month I need to ask out. If I get myself shot down 12 times this January, I may re-evaluate this resolution and raise the bar a little, but since in the past few years since my divorce I can barely count on two hands my attempts at dating, I think 12 is making a little progress.

The ultimate goal of course is to actually get a date, but I think I often stumble for fear of rejection. I suppose my first few attempts will simply be overcoming that fear and actually scoring a date would be the proverbial icing on the cake. I think this little exercise will help me in my much needed level of confidence.

I've been told often females I keep in contact with that they can immediately sense a lack of confidence in a guy. At this point I'm probably oozing total lack of confidence. Still women should consider how hard it is for a guy like me just to talk to a female he is attracted to. It takes a lot of courage and we risk so much humiliation. I only ask that you females let us shy, quiet guys down gently when you see us making an honest effort.

But I so totally digress. I think it would be healthy for Derrick to go out on a date or two and if not I should at the very least take one step closer to overcoming my fear of rejection. In any case this, I think is my most favorite resolution. It's totally feasible and with any luck I may actually improve my life.

So OK that's 3 new resolutions and this time it is in writing. I think 3 is a charm, don't you? And look, it's already January 2nd. My, my how time flies. I guess I should end the entry here. Happy New Year's to you all and good luck with making and keeping your own resolutions.