OK, so how is Derrick doing? That's a fairly loaded question considering my last entry, but hell since I'm already typing I might as well answer it. I guess I'm doing OK. Not good or amazing or spectacular, or even the opposite end of the spectrum. I'm doing just OK, and considering the stuff I've been going through lately I think that's a start.

On the lighter-side of things I have decided to grow out what little facial hair I have. I figure if I'm going to be a jobless bum I might as well look the part. Seriously though, it started out innocently enough. I didn't have any real set schedule except to show up to class and make sure any school-related assignments or projects were turned in on time so I pretty much just vegetated at every opportunity, staying up ridiculously late playing SIMS (the only game that would run on my old laptop) and waking up sometime in the afternoon just moping in my apartment.

Basic things like showers and shaving were of little importance to me. I never really grew out my mustache because quite frankly my facial hair is rather thin and when I tried to grow it out in the past I wound up looking like some junior-high school kid who was trying too hard or some rogue backstreet boy gone awry. But since I for the span of almost a week, was living the life of a hermit, how I looked didn't really matter. I guess I should put a picture up of it since it can be shaved off at any time:

Extreme Close-Up View
(Click for larger image)
Yup, that's it... A pathetic display of facial hair isn't it?

As for some of the other issues I'm facing, I eventually got to some of them. I found out the cost of my tuition if I should go full-time. I have a loan consolidation pending which won't be processed until the 19th. I figure I'll wait until that goes through before I apply for another loan. I've already talked with my mom about it and she is willing to co-sign for me if needed and if further needed she is willing to front the expense on her credit cards if it should come to that. Hopefully it won't. I could also manage some of that expense on my own credit cards though the interest rates on that would be killer.

I'm also in need of a reliable computer, since I do almost everything on there. The LCD screen on the old laptop I purchased from work that I am using now is starting to give out. If it decides to totally give out in the middle of a major project I could quite easily be fucked. The space on the Hard Drive is quite pathetic as well, about 5.5 GB which after I installed Windows XP, Office XP and Front Page 2003 which is the bare minimum I needed I wound up with less than half a GB left. Of course loading SIMS didn't help the cause either but that surprisingly is only 11MB. Looking at my HD now I only have only 211 MB of space left. That's maybe 4 or 5 CD's worth of MP3's. Not a hell of a lot of space to work with. I may just have to wipe everything out and do a clean install, that will probably buy me a few hundred or so more MB, but that will take time. Perhaps after my final project.

I also have the added headache of not having a regular internet connection. That I can't really do anything about. I do have a wireless card but it's only good when I'm at my mom's apartment or in certain areas of my school campus. My craptop unfortunately isn't even powerful enough to run a local host which emulates a server on you own laptop. This is important for me to program and debug the server-side programming assignments I have been doing for school up to and including my final project which is due this Wednesday. Yet another thing I have to go to my mom to. Damn, I feel like a teenager again...

Speaking of final projects, it's one of those dreaded group project deals and considering we as a group have done very little thus far for the project I see that I totally have my work cut out for me. We basically have to build a working e-commerce model site that has a functional on-line shopping cart that saves transactions onto a database and dynamically displays that information onto the page from the database. The page I created for my last assignment before the final is a very simplified version of this.

I'm not sure how well my final is going to turn out. I'll of course put in all the effort I can, but I am only one person with limited time and resources. Maybe, just maybe I can code an entire website by myself. But if not, in case the members of my group flake out and the final grade is a total flop I still have enough juice in my other grading to pull a guaranteed C since I got 100% across the board in all my assignments which is 40% of the total grade right there. I also did well on the Midterm and quizzes and I was pretty active in the class participation which brings me really close to a 65-70% overall Hopefully it will not come to that and I can still be a large factor in swinging that big A.

As for the need for physical contact and the need to pour my soul out, that too has faded into the background. No doubt the need will always be present in some capacity and no doubt it may come again in times of extreme emotional distress, but for right now I've accepted the fact that I really don't have any friends (at least those I don't need a plane ticket for) that I am comfortable asking something like that from. I figure that although I do bemoan my existence at times, if I don't actually have the courage to at least try an change my situation I really don't have anyone to blame but myself and knowing that I really don't have much cause to complain.

If I want to walk around like some big macho guy that doesn't need anyone when really I'm just to afraid to show any sign of weakness or need, then it is truly my own grave that I have dug for myself and it is something that I have to overcome in order to get what I truly want out of life. I suppose I'll have to address that part of me eventually, but for now I have more immediate concerns to overcome such as the big final and working out my loan for my last two quarters. I also have to start applying for some damn jobs... *sigh*

Anyway I do have a few more things to ramble about, but it will have to wait until I catch up on some needed sleep...

This is just a little aside, I wrote this entry last Monday offline, but due to various circumstances such as my lack of a regular internet connection and school-related entanglements I wasn't able to post it until today. I just wanted to add a head-note to this entry that I am feeling much better and much less bitter than when I first wrote this entry. I'll be making a more current follow-up to this very shortly...

pa�ral�y�sis

Pronunciation: p&-'ra-l&-s&s
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural pa�ral�y�ses /-"sEz/
Etymology: Latin, from Greek, from paralyein to loosen, disable, from para- + lyein to loosen

1 : complete or partial loss of function especially when involving the motion or sensation in a part of the body
2 : loss of the ability to move
3 : a state of powerlessness or incapacity to act

I feel like giving into the urge to totally veg-out and stay in bed all day so that I don't have to think about or do anything. That luxury isn't quite afforded to me just yet however. There's the small thing about my final projects, assignments and exams all coming up next week. I then have to worry about how the hell I'm going to pay for school now that I don't have that nice tuition reimbursement benefit that was afforded to me by my former employer. Another hitch is that I hit the max on my Guaranteed Student Loan GSL for my undergrad degree around 5 years back, which is what prompted me to find a full-time job with a tuition reimbursement program in the first place.

I've done a little research. It looks like I can complete my degree if I go full-time for the next 2 quarters, which if my calculations are correct is 2/3 of the full-time student rate for those who entered my school prior to Autumn 2001 which is $17,810.00 (which is the category I should fall under). Of course I could be wrong because I haven't actually gone full-time for well over 5 years, in which case the maximum I'd have to pay is 2/3 of $18,750.00. That puts my monetary tuition need range between $11,873.33 and $12,500.00.

Of course I won't know for sure until I head over to student accounts and confirm the actual tuition rate. Once I do that I need to file for a non-guaranteed educational loan which isn't nearly as good or as certain as the GSL variety. Looking at some of the criteria (like being a student and having halfway-decent credit) I may actually be able to qualify for one of those loans. Again I need to go out and investigate a little further into this. I would have done that today but I had this jury duty thing that totally threw off my groove.

Add the pressure of the imminent final exams and projects and you have one stressed out individual named Derrick. It's amazing how even in light of a new abundance of time it seems that in the end time is still as scarce and as hectic as ever. There's all these things I need to get done and all I feel like doing is collapsing in a heap. Hopefully I can attack the things that are nagging at my very soul and draining my spirit so I can finally gain a much needed moment of peace.

I think by the time finals are over and I hit spring break I'm just going to take that time to do absolutely nothing. I'm tired of being so fucking productive. It exhausts me. With the things that have been going on in my life I have been find absolutely no joy. It seems to be all about pain and suffering and sacrifice and Derrick doesn't have the strength right now for all that bullshit.

If that all isn't bad enough, there are a bunch of other issues that are starting to re-surface. I assure you that Derrick, although he has not mentioned it in quite some time is still as horny as ever. Damn could I use a good fuck. It's not just that though. I'm missing the little things. I am in a very lonely place in my life right now and being the stupid egotistical male that I am, I seem to be doing anything and everything to alienate myself for any form of intimacy. For example right now I could really use a hug. I want to be able to break down completely and sob on someone's shoulder and I find it disheartening to say the least that there is nobody in my life I would feel comfortable doing that with, no family, no friends, nothing. So I continue down my lonely path acting like there's nobody in this world that I want or need.

Part of me does want to tackle all of this on my own, to not ask help from anybody, because that would show a sign of weakness. The last few times I allowed myself to be vulnerable, I was devoured alive and devastated almost beyond reprehension and I totally didn't see it coming. Stupid me. Chances are, unless some freak of nature occurs, I'll continue walking this path alone and you know what? That's just fucking fine with me. Why should I be lonely and sad when I can be lonely and bitter? I am of course only halfway serious about this. I don't think anyone actually plans to be lonely and bitter in life. That's just one of those things that just fucking happen and I feel "the motherfucker" inside me metamorphasizing into reality as we speak.

I don't know, I think it's one of my major character flaws. If I can't find love, I develop a tendency towards hatred. If I can't find joy I sink into sorrow. If I can't enjoy life I begin wishing for death. Whatever happened to the fucking middle ground? Anyway I'm fucking exhausted, so I'll probably sleep or something...