Have you ever wanted to fly? Lately that has been a recurring theme in my thoughts. Sometimes I imagine myself doing the swan dive off my balcony, fearlessly taking a leap straight to death. This only happens in my imagination. I tell myself that I welcome death, that I do not fear it. Sometimes I wish and hope and pray that death takes me in my sleep. But when it comes down to it I still cannot imagine myself actually having the guts to make the jump. Unlike the typical lemming, I seem to have a strong survival instinct hard-wired into my brain. It kind of sucks when you can't seem to find anything worth living for.

What is my purpose in life other than to continually consume resources? I'm wracking my brain trying to justify my place in this universe, but I can seem to come up with any decent justification on why I should be existing. I find is slightly ironic that in my search for life's meaningfulness I'm finding absolutely no meaning. It could be that it is all simply beyond my comprehension. I am after all only human and a complexly flawed one at that. Honestly, I think I'm a total nutjob, and not in the really cool, some hot chick teabagging my scrotum sort of way.

I mean really, I just want to fuck like there's no tomorrow but the way I act seems directly contradict my primary mission, which is to fuck like there's no tomorrow. I have to admit, wanting to fuck like there's no tomorrow is an inherently flawed goal, because tomorrow always seems to occur whether you like it or not. Then there's this whole thing of tomorrow never existing because tomorrow actually becomes today and eventually it becomes yesterday and later it's just some odd day in your memory. I'd say just fuck tomorrow, but if you do that tomorrow actually does get fucked. What the fuck was I babbling about again?

Oh yeah, the way I act. I can tell you why chicks don't dig me, because I just stand in some corner like a fucking idiot. When did I become so fucking afraid of women? Jeez that is so fucking whacked! Dude this is so fucking insane. It's insanity I say! But anyway, yeah I could really use a good lay. There I said it. *sigh* You know it's my belief that we are ultimately the architects of our own happiness or lack thereof. Which begs the question, how the hell did I so royally fuck my own life? Anyway ranting about it isn't going to fix anything. Only some nasty, dirty hardcore fucking. Woah, did I type that out loud? =p

Riiight, so what else was I thinking about, I mean besides the obvious... Oh yeah flying. I think I still want to fly. I mean nothing so drastic as to fling myself from the balcony of my high-rise. Not enough lemming in me I suppose. But I still want to do something about this, like maybe take up skydiving. Nothing like the adrenaline high from jumping out of a perfectly good aircraft. Maybe someday. Anyway, I haven't talked about sex in ages. Why is that? I shouldn't keep things bottled up like that.

Hmm, what else is new? Well basically, my family went to Vegas for a mini Easter/Spring break vacation. Naturally I got left behind because I'm in the middle of school. I'm also house-sitting and taking care of the family dog, Elmo. =p On the minus, I don't get to gamble and drink my ass off, which is probably a good thing because I can't afford that shit anyhow. On the plus side I get to use the internet which I totally lack since I got canned at work, which also means I was able to catch up to quite a few internet acquaintances over the weekend. Ah the joys of the internet. Speaking of the internet, there's this really cute chick LP ;) who introduced me to the concept of myspace.com. Naturally, I totally went off the deep end and made a complex profile. Silly me.

I also spoke over the phone to an inebriated f-v. For some reason when she's drunk, she has absolutely no qualms about telling me how much of cute and witty and intelligent and attractive guy I am and how all my self-deprecating, is a bunch of bullshit. She also mentioned something about double-teaming me with her friend? Hmm, I really must ask her about that sometime. Hopefully it wasn't some volatile drunken sentiment and two chicks actually want to bang me at the same time. ;) *ahem* But I digress, I'm sure she has a really valid point about me putting myself down too much, but the fact of the matter is that females still treat me like the invisible man. The only exceptions really are females with whom I met on the internet and have read through my diary. Ironically most, if not all, also happen to be geographically distant.

If that isn't confusing enough, another girl who I shall keep nameless at this moment totally wants to take a trip and visit me in Chicago. Although I have to admit there has always been a sexual attraction thing going on between us, we have also established a certain level of friendship. My mind is naturally going though this complex "what if" process. Basically the possibly of sex exists which naturally is a good thing because that's what I want. The problem? I'm not sure if I can to the one-night stand thing or even the one-week stand thing. I mean what if I get totally into this girl only for her to leave in the span of a week? *sigh* but anyway, it's all still in the air so no sense wondering about all that stuff.

If that STILL isn't confusing enough, this girl I used to totally obsess about in my diary entries (read: 100 things) is actually moving to Chicago to attend law school in August. I don't even know what to think about that at this point except for the stance that I am going to absolutely do my best to keep this particular relationship at the friendship level. Basically she is still with her boyfriend whom she is going to have to eventually and reluctantly part ways with when she ultimately gets here and really I don't think I can handle being the rebound guy. But that may be is jumping the gun as well. I'll have to play that one by ear too.

Still, who knew that regaining an internet connection, albeit a temporary one, would open up such a "Pandora's Box". I'd love to babble on but I actually have to get some sleep. There's this uncompleted assignment I have to turn in for tomorrow night's class, and naturally my procrastinating ass didn't even start it.