Quite a few things going on. I sent a follow up email to that internship position I applied for a few weeks back. The response I got was something along the lines of "it's still under review, thank you for your patience". I've submitted more resumes through my school's e-Recruiting site but I haven't made any direct contacts yet. For some reason I'm having difficulty focusing on certain things like my job hunting and catching up on my homework. Not sure where this is coming from but I need to snap out of it soon before I fall too far behind.

My mom actually networked a possible job prospect for me. I got to admire her for her ability to almost instantly make friends. Kind of reminds me of Ray how she does that. Anyway, she had to serve in a jury a few weeks back and she made a couple of friends including someone who works as a resource coordinator for her company's IT department. She got her e-mail and mentioned my recent layoff over the phone with her. I updated my resume and sent it to her along with a cover letter. Hopefully this opportunity will pan out. The office building is right next to my apartment in downtown with is a major plus. If I nail a position there, even an unpaid internship everything will be golden. One less thing to worry about...

Let's see, what else? Oh yeah, I've been having recurring dreams about Ray my cousin who passed away almost 3 years ago. Nothing spectacular really, there are just moments where he's riding along in the same car as I am and I'd look at him and it's like he was never gone. The feeling would be like seeing a really close friend you haven't seen in a long time. I wanted to say hi and tell him how everything is going with my life. I want to know how he has been and maybe give him a big hug but then I wake up and the reality of the situation slaps me in the face. He's dead, he's been dead for almost 3 years now and I can't do anything but break down into tears like a fucking little baby.

I'm not sure what to make of all this. I suppose life has been hectic enough that Ray hasn't really been in my thoughts consciously but he has been so much a part of my life before he died that thoughts of him are starting to creep back into my life on a subconscious level. I guess it's only natural since his passing left such a huge unfillable void in my life. I do know that I miss his presence in my life and I will probably continue doing so until the day I die. I guess I should be happy that I am seeing him in my dreams however occasional they may be. The feelings that I feel, however fleeting are so intense that that it might as well be real. I suppose it also serves as a reminder that I am very much alive, despite my occasional feelings to the contrary.

I also received an e-mail from one of my exes, the drop-dead gorgeous chick. Apparently the son of a mutual family friend committed suicide. I relayed the news to my mom so she could send our condolences. I met the parents one time at the ex's wedding and my mom knew them form further back of course. The news that struck me closer to home is the fact that she is pregnant and somewhat scared at the prospect of being a mother, even though this was something that she and her husband have been planning since they had gotten married.

I don't know, somewhere in the back of my mind I had this secret wish that this whole marriage thing wouldn't work out and somehow we would wind up together again. I'm actually ashamed at myself for revealing this because the only basis I have for this feeling is the physical attraction and the chemistry I had for her. I think she had mutual attraction to me, but obviously it wasn't nearly enough seeing that she got herself married to somebody else. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am taking this as a sign to just let go completely. I mean yeah I have no idea what the future holds but it's time to completely put out whatever torch I've been holding for this chick. The last time I saw her kind of threw me off a little but there comes a time when you just need to move on.

I think I mentioned in my last entry how much my sister is growing up. That last comment was in reference to her driving. She's 15 just ready to turn 16 in August and she will have her driver's license. What I didn't realize is how much more grown up she has become than I initially realized. I got a text from her today telling me how distraught mom was because of something my sister revealed to her. I called my sister up on her cell and found out that she lost her virginity, just last weekend. O.o

Now granted my mom is a pretty liberal thinker, but when it comes to my sister it's a whole different story. I can totally imagine my mom going into hysterical mode over all this. It's enough of a thing that my mom is asking me advice on how to handle all this. Hopefully I can help center her on this issue. But anyway, my sister seems so happy. After I did the big brother thing and made sure she used protection, I was able to be happy for her. The guy that she is with is older, like age 18 or 19 and he genuinely seems like a nice guy. I'm just so totally amazed at how mature my sister is becoming. I'm just glad she can still go to her big brother for advice.

I actually have a few more thoughts I want to get out and I'd love to write more but I gotta run, so until next time...