My life is in a state of flux right now and it is being constantly complicated by my continuing inability to act until the last minute. The most critical things I need to accomplish at this moment is to secure an internship over the summer and to catch up with my back assignments in my Advanced Server-Side Programming class which at this point I have allowed to slip almost hopelessly out of control.

There's no excuse for being behind on the assignments really, because back when I was employed something like that would have never happened. Despite my limited time, I would have made sure everything is done on schedule. Now I have practically all the time in the world and I find myself sleeping when I should be awake and awake when I should be sleeping. I'm napping for half the day when the computer lab is open and when I get back home late at night I find that it isn't so easy to fall asleep. Since I lack the funds for my usual Red Bull fix, I'm also having trouble staying awake in class. =/ My body clock is all kinds of fucked up. I think on some subconscious level I am trying to sabotage myself to create a sense of urgency in my otherwise insignificant life. That's pretty fucked within itself.

Those are not the only things weighing heavily on my mind however. There is a very real possibility that Derrick might have to give up his swank downtown bachelor pad in the near future. I love that fucking place, but my mom may have an opportunity to rent the place out on a relatively long-term to acquaintances from out of town. Since I'm not exactly earning my keep anymore it makes sense financially. If my mom gets her asking price for the rent, it will help pay for my school and my expenses. The downside is that I have to live back with mom. However a necessity this move may be, I still feel that it is a definite backward step in my life.

I'm just glad I had a chance to "christen" the place, so to speak, with T before the swank bachelor pad is gone from my life. I would have been really pissed if I didn't have a chance to take advantage of that place. Speaking of T, I'm not sure exactly where to place her in my life. I would like to think that I share a certain bond with the few females I have shared intimacy with. I think I have that with her since I could look back at our last encounter with a certain degree of fondness. It's the idea that she may be contemplating a deeper form of intimacy with me that is somehow scaring me.

I don't know if it's me having the typical fear of intimacy that most guys eventually experience or if it is the uncertainties of my own situation in life in light of the possible deepening of intimacy that is scaring me. Either way the fear is very present. I know the long distance thing is a definite factor. I also know the last thing I want to do is hurt anybody, especially her. She looks at me as one of the good things that happened to her life.

On one hand I am happy that I could make such a positive impact in her life. On the other hand, I can only perceive myself, especially in light of my current financial situation as nothing more than a liability. The whole thing may be moot anyway because if I lose the bachelor pad I lose the place where any type of sex life may be conducted, including a possible repeat visitation from T. Yup, going back to my mom's would be so uncool at this point. =/

Still, I continue to be flattered by her opinion of me both in and out of bed. At the very least I can ascertain that my failures with women in general have little to do with my sexual intensity. I know want I want in the bedroom and once my passion is stirred I have absolutely no qualms in taking what I want and this is usually to the satisfaction of my partner.

Seeing how a large part of my world revolves around sex, this is definitely a good thing. I suppose there are other things I need to work on like my self-confidence. In that respect I am still greatly doubtful of myself and I know that nothing but hard work and perseverance towards my life's goals and their achievement are the only things that can build that confidence within me.

I know one thing is for certain, I want to regain control of my life, financially and otherwise. I also need to get things in my life straightened out before I can even think of anything else. I can't help but feel like I am less of a man because I cannot support myself. Not only that but I feel so oppressed by my current situation. I love my mom and I appreciate what she is doing for me, but if I continue to be supported by her and have to live under her roof and abide by her rules I know that eventually I am going to resent her. I think I am already starting to harbor some resentment for her already. I can't have somebody dictate the minutia of my life. I have already allowed that in my last marriage and that inevitably wound up as a major causal factor to my subsequent divorce.

As soon as I am capable I need to really go off on my own and break off all dependency with my mom, even if it means giving up the bachelor pad and putting some distance between me and her.� Although being dependent upon her is a necessity of the moment, I cannot allow myself to grow complacent. I'm already uneasy of the fact that my friends have to pay for me when I go out. I feel like I am taking too much advantage of their kindness and somehow it just makes me feel bad.

I think I just need to stick with my plan and graduate as soon as possible. I need to secure an internship position for the summer. After I graduate, I need to find out how to get my ass into graduate school so I can continue the momentum of my education. Finally, I will need to reestablish my financial independence so I can break free of my mom and be totally on my own.

This is my life in a nutshell. Hopefully it doesn't all turn to crap.