Now granted, it has been a long time, several months actually but for some reason thoughts of death are starting to creep back into my head. It's not as bad as it used to be like when Ray just died or that really long stretch of time when I just felt alone in this world. It's just that sometimes life seems so overwhelming and insurmountable that suddenly death becomes a palatable option.

It's like the ultimate form of giving up and it starts to make more and more sense the things that life has to offer, thing things that one strives and works hard for take on less and less meaning. There are also times when life turns stagnant, when you are not moving or not growing and in essence becomes almost a living death with only the feelings of pain and emptiness that you are not quite dead yet.

Then every once in a while, life seems to throw in a moment of happiness just to remind you that it isn't all about pain or suffering or death. I think this is one of those really strong reasons I haven't taken a swan dive off of the high rise balcony. Well that and my actually fear of falling, the fear of impact at terminal velocity and the fear of dying. Still, those moments of happiness seem too few and too far between. I can't help but wonder if my most happiest of moments are already behind me. If so what is the point of continuing?

Happiness in life seems more like a taunt or a tease than anything else. It is not something you can hold onto forever. For me happiness, at best is something you take and enjoy as much as you can before you have to let it go again.  I try my best to appreciate every moment that comes to me because I know that there may be long periods of time before I cant hit that feeling again, but even with that I know I am not perfect at it. Sometimes I stop myself from being happy because the potential pain is almost directly proportional to the potential for joy. Then the thought arrives, if I stop myself from being happy for fear of pain that may come of it then what is the point of continuing?

I don't know, ever since Ray died, death has become such a seductive thought. Even with the atheist/agnostic view of no form of life after death whatsoever, death becomes the ultimate end of all feeling, especially suffering. It becomes the ultimate end of all want and need, because of simple non-existence.  To those who have a more spiritual view of the universe, the energy of "being" somehow takes on a different form after death, whether it is through reincarnation or a transition into a state of being in some non-corporeal existence.

I'd say the state of my life is pretty weird. I don't know anyone who goes to bed at night wishing death and waking up in utter disappointment that I have to go through yet another day of this life. Granted it has been a while, I've gone though phases where I just mindlessly go through the motions, stagnant and content. Last night was the first night in a while since I had the pre-sleep death wish. I think is simply the stress of the situation that I have allowed myself to go through.

The way I have procrastinated in my advanced server-side programming class is to the point of ridiculousness, and the fact that I have added on more responsibility to my life doesn't help matters much. Of course it doesn't help matters at all that I am ultimately the architect, as least in the matters that I am in control of, of my own fucked up life.

If that isn't weird enough I went to bed all sad, hoping and wanting to not wake up the next day but instead my alarm woke me up to a dream where I was fucking Torrie Wilson of WWE Diva fame and I was like woah. I'm not sure what that means, except maybe that I'm horny or something and WWE Smackdown was one of the last programs I watched. But anyway, I got back-homework to catch up on, a final project to complete and a final speech and some final examinations to prepare for. Isn't life grand?