I guess I should clarify a few things especially to some of the readers who have expressed concern over my last entry. First of all I want to clearly state that I am not suicidal. Though I admit there were a few times in my life where I have totally felt this way, I have never ever done anything to directly compromise or endanger my own life. Since Ray's death I do admit I have thought about my own death over and over again, perhaps much more so than the average person would think of their own death.

I also write about death quite a bit, though I haven't recently it has been a recurring theme in this diary and it seems to come out when my life is in its most stressful like now when I have final projects and presentations due, final exams to cram for and have the added responsibility of an internship. There was even a time when my sister found one of my entries where I was talking about death and got so worried that she told my mom. I discuss this in the entry titled serendipity, somewhere in the middle of one of my larger weblogs. It all worked out for the best though. I reassured them that although I think and write about death quite a bit, I'm not quite ready to leave this existence.

Still, I can honestly say that life has just been tough without my best friend. Life is simply different without him, painful, lonely and often depressing. The thought that it could never be the way that it was when he was alive ever again, that thought is almost unbearable. Although I do apologize for having people worry about me in this way, I just need to say that my diary is a very necessary outlet for both my positive and negative emotions. When I think about Ray and death and all that, it also seems like the time when I am most profound like my letter to Ray on his last birthday. I'm a person with very profound feelings. Though most of the time I try to keep them buried so that I can function day to day there are times when I just need to let the fucking evil genie out of the bottle.

Death also happens to be an intellectual curiosity for me. I often wonder whether or not there is something on the "other side" and if there is, what exactly is there? Someone else from diaryland sexyatheist goes into an interesting discussion of death from the perspective of an atheist here.  If anything, the atheistic supposition that there is merely non-existence in terms of an afterlife beyond death would make the one life you supposedly possess much more precious. The lives around you would equally be precious because each life is a unique entity that can never be duplicated.

Although in some ways I do have some fear of death, in other ways I don't fear it in the way other people normally do. The logical side of me does not want to fear that which is an inevitability though there is a sense of urgency, to make best what little time you have in this existence. The emotional side of me on a good day feels that life is a celebration, to take it and make the best out of it. The darker side of me sees and feels the pain of this existence and sometimes looks forward to death as the ultimate end to the many miseries that life as and can present, whether it be in some afterlife or merely ceasing to exist. I guess it depends what day you talk to me.

But anyway yeah, I'm still here, I'm still alive and at least for the moment, everything is as cool as a smoothie. Again, I would like to sincerely apologize for alarming anyone, especially the more recent readers of this diary. One the main purposes of this diary and especially my last entry, is for me to vent. The last thing I want is to have a whole bunch of people worry about me. Sadly, this kind of thing is difficult to avoid but I just want to put it out in the open that worrying people is not my intention. Still, for all for those who expressed concern, thank you for caring. Those gestures are not unappreciated.

Now if you will excuse me I have some assignments I have to get back to...