I had a few previous drafts of a possible journal entry typed out, but I had to scrap them. Just a whole bunch of incessant babbling with not much point to it at all. Well actually, I suppose entries with no point would be a pretty accurate portrayal of my life. Funny how shit like that goes. I feel like that hamster in that cage running in that wheel full speed ahead for no fucking reason other than that wheel is there. I'm also sucking from that oddly shaped water bottle and consuming those lovely hamster pellets, Mmmmmm.... pellets.... *drool*.

I'd like to think I possess a deeper level of understanding of life and the universe and how I fit into "the big picture", but really I'm just as lost and confused as anyone can possibly be. I don't know, it seems to me people talk about "freedom" and "free will" like it is something you are born with. Personally I think the idea of "free will" is largely an illusion.

A person when given the freedom to execute his or her own "free will" is most likely going to act out their instincts and physiological motivations. That's just the tip of the iceberg though. It's amazing how much of our actions are dictated by something as arbitrary as a "mood", so much so that the entire course of a day can be more or less ruled by it. Where's the fucking free will in that?

I suppose what it really boils down to is choice, but even then the choices we make can be very predictable after one have established a certain pattern in life. Most people will invariably choose the path of least resistance especially when it comes to the more mundane choices in life. Of course there's always some freak that will try to climb Mt. Everest just because it is there. Even then, that particular person is doing exactly what is in his or her own nature to do, that is to do unusually weird stuff to set them apart from the rest of the flock.

But then, one may argue that the person had no choice but to surmount the summit. He or she had to because there was something to prove, they knew that it would be a difficult and painful journey, but that particular challenge needed to be conquered at all costs or die trying. So again I must ask, where the fuck is the free will? To succeed or to die trying, that's a pretty fucked up goal to begin with. If quitting is not an option then where the fuck is the free will?

I don't know, I guess the pressure is starting to get to me and it seems to be coming from all sides. In a way I'm continually trying to define myself as a person, struggling against my constant nature to simply just give up when the going gets tough. The summit I must surmount is my college degree. It's been a rocky journey and I'm weary. Part of me wants so much to just let things slide out of my grasp and just let the chips fall where they may.

Another part of me needs to climb that summit like it is the only thing for me to do in life. I suppose in this case I truly have no choice in the matter except "do or die". I think that is part of where the "death wish" is coming from. The easy way out which is what I have been doing most of my life is simply not an option anymore. Really death shouldn't be an option either, but I guess the loss of my best friend has totally skewed my idea in that matter. If he can opt out of life why can't I?

It doesn't really matter I guess. Just like everything else in my life it seems that even death, or at least the thought of it is just another whim one that continually remains unfulfilled. I suppose eventually it will catch up with me, but I guess there's no sense in rushing the inevitable. Still, I can't avoid the feeling that I am not a true man. A disconcerting feeling to say the least considering I'm over 30. I feel totally unaccomplished and I completely lack the sense of feeling "grown up".

Worst of all, at this point in my life, it is difficult for me to picture myself as a guy a woman would want to be with. What I'm talking about goes beyond the worry of my ability to physically attract a woman and satisfy her in bed. I suppose this is a partial leap since those were the only things I seemed to be preoccupied with and feel in doubt of myself until of course those fateful moments with T when she helped me turn things around at least in that area of my life.

School and career were never really an issue because I had my job which paid for school and I was slowly but steadily on my way to finishing. It was my "safety net" of sorts, until of course the day I got laid off. Failure is not an option now because if I fuck up now it will cost me and it's going to fucking hurt. Knowing this is not helping me at all because it is filling my mind with worry when I can't really afford to have my focus diverted.

It seems that the pendulum has taken a swing towards the other direction and I am now questioning my ability not only to be a responsible adult, but to be a real man. I also question my ability to see all of this through. It's not like I have all these memories of triumph to draw strength upon. Am I destined to be a failure? Aside from all that, who would want to be with a potential loser like me? Hell, I don't even want to be with me and I'm supposed to like myself and all that.

I suppose being a loner is all well and good considering I've been one most of my life. There's just one small problem to this rather simple plan. I'm fucking horny. There I said it. Damn! What the fuck am I going to do about this? I can't even afford to take a girl who I'm potentially interested in out for some coffee. First it was lack of game, now the lack of capital is laying the double smack down on my sorry ass. OK Derrick, just breathe and fucking hang in there. It's almost fucking over, just get through this quarter, you can do this, you can fucking do this...