Late last night I got a call from from T who was rather inebriated. Actually, I called her earlier last morning to greet her belatedly for her Birthday. I actually had an alarm set up on my phone to remind me, but silly me left my charger at my mom's place and my phone has been dead for the past few days. Anyway, she's out in Cape Cod, vacationing with family and at that particular night she was out for a night on the town with L, another diarylander and L's boyfriend Z. If you asked me they all sounded pretty plastered, especially T and L. L kept grabbing the phone telling me how much T wanted a repeat performance of the fuckfest we had in Chicago. =p I could hear Z in the background totally drilling the Bostonian New Englander accent. Think Cliff Claven from Cheers, or the characters from the movie Good Will Hunting. =p

Now don't quote me directly, because this is mostly hearsay from T and I have never actually seen them, but I hear L has really nice breasts with pierced nipples. *rawr* My question is, how did she know? I mean were they so drunk that boobage was flashed that evening? The world may never know... =p Anyway, they finally got home where L and Z retired, apparently to some really loud bedroom activities. I wonder what could have possibly happened? =p T retired on the couch with L's many cats and kittens. A few lucky kittens had a chance to rest between T's cleavage. I never actually wanted to be a kitten in my life before that moment. ;)

And then things really turned serious, once T had a moment alone with me on the phone she started breaking down into tears and telling me everything, what is going wrong and right in her life, her confusion, etc. I'm pretty sure this emotional breakdown was induced by alcohol combined with the stresses of her life. I'm of course not at liberty to discuss everything she said to me because of the obvious personal nature. What I can hint at is some of the more "sticky" revelations that directly concern me. Somehow, I'm different than every other guy she's been with and she has been through quite a few sexual relations prior to me. I guess by virtue of being myself and the moments we shared together when she was in Chicago, I triggered something in her that few, if any man has ever done to her before and now her life has changed significantly. It's that other fucking "F" word again, feelings.

At first, I thought it was all good, she was a strong person who, by reading her her diary, was obviously open to new sexual experiences and she seemed like someone who wasn't concerned with the usual sexual attachments at least on the surface. Fucking like crazy and going our separate ways seemed like a piece of cake, especially with 700+ miles distance between us. I know I said this before, and I should have probably listened to myself. Although fucking like there's no tomorrow is a beautiful thought, actually fucking like there's no tomorrow is an inherently flawed goal, because tomorrow always seems to happen and I think that's exactly what happened to us.

I suppose we both underestimated how powerful a force sexual intimacy can be, especially me who hasn't had very many recent sexual experiences to draw upon in comparison.� However deeply flattered I am by her sentiments, it never was my intention to irrevocably change the meaning of sex for her and it was definitely not my intention to "ruin" casual sex for her. Things like this leave me wondering, what the fuck did I just do?

Ultimately, I want what is right for both of us, whatever that may be. The trick is figuring just what exactly "that" may be. What I do know that I don't want to wind up as one of those assholes in her past that she never talks to anymore. I know I'm not perfect. I know I've done some asshole things in my life that I'm not very proud of, but I also know this, we started out as friends and I don't want the sex, however intense it may have been, to fuck that all up. Sex is supposed to make life better, not infinitely more complicated, or so the theory goes.

At this point, I'm not sure exactly what to do with this whole thing. This particular moment is not such a good time to have my mind burdened with what to do next as I have those fucking finals to worry about and the fucking clock is winding down. I seriously hope I don't fuck up this quarter. It's really ugly in terms of school right now. But with that aside, I do think that a more sober conversation is in order between me and her. One thing at a time I suppose...