I've mentioned my ex a few times before, most notably in my 100 things entry I'll call her "F" for the sake of brevity.� She was my first serious relationship and the longest lasting. We have been through a lot together, both good and bad times. The relationship is unusual to say the least, she was my friend, turned lover, turned long-term girlfriend, turned fianc�e, turned wife, turned ex-wife and somewhere along the way despite all the turmoil she wound up being one of my best friends.

The loss of Ray left a huge void and I suppose somehow, by virtue of still being there and still being a part of my life despite everything that has happened, she managed to fill a large part of that void. Our friendship however, is not without its pitfalls. I remember breaking down when I first heard she had gotten engaged.

It's a weird feeling when people whom you loved in the past and to some degree still love, find someone else to love and then go off and get married. A similar thing happened with the drop dead gorgeous chick whom I was madly in love with at one time in my life. I even had the unusual experience of attending her wedding reception.

Still, I managed to get over it as best as I possibly could and just be happy for F. I even tried to help out with her wedding serving as a surrogate "maid of honor" when her actual maid of honor wasn't able to help for various reasons.

When F and I got divorced, it wasn't exactly the smoothest of breakups. Breaking up a serious relationship is never that easy I suppose, but somehow we came to terms with it. Even though it wasn't entirely necessary since we did manage to regain our friendship and our past is largely water under the bridge, I still took the time to apologize for what happened between us. She of course said it was OK.

Anyway, she called me earlier this morning and dropped another bomb on me. It looks like I have been dis-invited to her wedding. It turns out there are still residual issues with her parents, especially her dad. I guess these issues are not without foundation. Their last memories of me were of the bastard that broke their daughter's heart and sent her into a state of utter depression. There's also the fact that we got divorced, which totally flew in the face of the old fashioned "marriage should last forever" way of thinking.

They don't know much of how we regained our friendship once again, becoming the best of friends even. They know nothing of how I'm there for her in times of need, how much I support her for the choices she makes even if some of them may hurt me on the inside. I suppose deep down I don't blame them for feeling that way about me but it doesn't stop my heart from aching on the inside.

One of the questions that keep popping up in my head over and over again is why? Why does life have to be so damn bitter sometimes? I know I've done some things wrong in the past, but how often do I have to keep paying for it?

I mean I've already set aside any selfish feelings for F and allowed myself to be happy about her engagement and wedding. I did my best to encourage her through the rough spots of her wedding plans. I allowed myself to get excited over the thought that I could share this happiness with my best friend at her wedding and now she's upset that she has to retract the invitation and there is a possible rift brewing between her and her parents, especially her father as the wedding draws imminently nearer.

I of course did my best to be supportive of her despite the pain I was feeling as she revealed the bad news to me over the phone. I had to break the secret pact I made with myself never to cry over a woman ever again. I told her to do what she needed to do and that I would be OK. I reassured her that I understood the situation and I bore no ill will towards her or any of her family.

I believe this is yet another instance my karma. The pain I have caused is somehow coming full circle and returning to me after all this time. It's OK though. In a way, I would rather be aware of the wrongs that I have done in my lifetime and pay for those mistakes along the way and I hope that ultimately they will somehow help me become a better person.