It's been about a week, so I suppose enough time has passed for things to more or less balance out. T and I resolved our differences through e-mail. It seems we both had some baggage to unload so despite what took place, ultimately there were no hard feelings and our friendship is intact.

As for me, the week off from diary writing gave me a chance to think a little bit more about my life. In my careful introspection I have arrived at a somewhat difficult conclusion. I have to give up sex. Not permanently of course, because I'm no fucking priest. But for now the way my life is going and the way even the most casual sexual encounters can affect me I think it's best for me to just stay away from it as much as I can.

This is not easy for me because if anything I'm a walking hard-on. There's no way I can turn off the primal lust that is within me. If I like a woman I may not say anything, I may not do anything, but my eyes tell a different story. It's that hungry stare, the one that shows I want to devour women sexually. Most women are careful enough, even smart enough to never make eye contact with me, but every once in a while for that brief millisecond when our eyes meet, she knows exactly what I want by the way I'm undressing her with my eyes. It's practically a dead giveaway.

Really I don't like when my primal desires and my desire to grow as an individual and be a better person are not in alignment. It's like my mind is pulling me one way and my cock is pulling me a different. I think in order for me to be truly happy I have to find a balance between the two. Life however seems to be pulling me away from the sexual. To be realistic, however attractive I may seem to be, it has never been quite enough to put me over the top with women.

The only place I seem to garner any type of female attention is this diary and I think it is because it is the only place where I can be completely honest with little regard to fear. I lay it all out here for anybody to see and in some twisted exhibitionistic sort of way I hope that it would maybe put some spin in my otherwise boring life. I guess in some ways it has, but drama isn't quite what I had in mind.

There's actually a woman who I met through diaryland that I have been talking to on the phone and I have been finding quite fascinating. I guess for now I'll keep her anonymous, since she seems to have a semi-jealous "follower". Anyway, for all practical purposes she is your seemingly average single woman, but when we get on the phone, that's when things start to get interesting.

We start off with the usual conversation about how things are going with work and life etc, but it always seems to lead to her touching herself and moaning over my voice. This of course provides me with an insane hard on which I can't help but start touching myself. Then I start talking dirty to her and she begins getting really worked up. It isn't often that I find a woman with such a high level of sexual desire that is actually interested in my cock. The catch, of course is the long distance. You can only go far with the phone. Plus there's the whole thing about me going temporarily celibate. Hmm, maybe I should reconsider that stance. =p

Then again, if I actually have the means to travel and consummate whatever sexual desires we have for each other, there is the issue of having to deal with the aftermath of sex. She has expressed on more than one occasion that she "didn't like to share". I think that's the sentiment of most women though regarding sexual relations. I know part of me is afraid of commitment, but when you throw in the long distance and how much your life would turn upside-down if you actually wanted to turn a long-distance sexual interest into bona-fide relationship, it seems to complicate things even further. I suppose certain things just seem to take care of themselves. Who knew that long distance would be such an effective means for safe sex? ;)

With all that aside, back in the "real world", the one where women local to me show me absolutely no interest, I am basically just a lonely guy insecure of himself and paradoxically afraid of intimacy. I have to face the fact that I'm shy and that I'm not good at picking up women and I can't allow that fact to lower my self esteem. I also have to keep in mind that there are other things that I need to get into order like finishing my degree which is not actually that far off and of course getting my career in order.

Enough about all that though. I think one of my flaws is that I think way too much about things, which is good I'm back to diary writing so I can unload my extraneous thoughts. With all that said, I'm just going to put all those thoghts aside for now and move on to this past week. I finally got the offer from my boss, $7.50 an hour. I have to weigh the experience I gain from continuing this internship against the time I spend and the money I gain from it. Once I start earning a paycheck, I will of course have to give up the unemployment check. I probably won't wind up taking it since I'm actually collecting more from my unemployment benefit. I may consider taking the position once the benefit runs out sometime in August, that is if they will have me. I do appreciate the offer though however low it may be. =p

As for this diary, I think I'll resume my regular intermittent pattern of diary entries. Hmm, isn't "regular intermittent" an oxymoron when put in the same sentence? I'm such a fucking freak. *ahem* Never mind that, the bottom line is that I'm more or less back. Thanks to all who left notes and messages saying they have and would miss my diary writing. Though I'm not exactly sure why, since my life and thus my entries are boring as hell, I'll be making my round of thanks to all those charitable comments as soon as finals of this week are over and I will have an abundance of free time on my hands.