Holy fuck! Has it been 10 days since my last entry? I guess I haven't been as enthusiastic about my diary since my gold membership went belly up and I had to simplify my layout severely. I kinda miss my old layout, especially with all the time and effort I threw into it. I guess it was kinda like my baby. Oh well...

Anyway, after much introspection, I think I figured out why I suck so much. It's because I'm a fucking loser. This is not me beating myself up or me being hard on myself, rather it's a realistic mental self-image based on what is going on with me in real life. I know what my tragic flaw is above all else, it is none other than my quietness. It's like I placed some wicked social curse upon myself. It's like there are so many words in my head yet I can't speak and it inevitably leads me to the same path, which is my social downfall.

It's weird because although I do enjoy my solitude, the very human need for social contact comes into play and suddenly enjoying time off to myself turns to loneliness. Can a loner truly be lonely? I suppose there are moments when that is possible. With all these self-revelations come a certain degree of humility. I'm not anyone special, I don't really have anything significant to add to the conversation and I certainly lack any type of finesse in attracting the opposite sex. Welcome to a day in the life of derrick.

Even my liquid-mojo, the smooth version of derrick is failing me. It seems alcohol doesn't quite have the same effect on me. I suppose drinking while depressed doesn't help anyone, but it's helping me even less by dulling my senses and my wit while my inhibitions remain fully intact. Not quite the effect I had intended. It's really weird, but it truly feels like the deck is truly stacked against me and I don't think I'm ever going to get a break in all this, at least not anytime soon.

So I guess this is the point where I more or less give in to what I have been destined to become. I've always been a loser, especially with women since day one and I know that since then I have evolved to many degrees over time. Despite all of that, who I am and what I have to offer, I know that none of it is enough to put me over the top with the opposite sex. Rather that sink into some deep level of despair however, I think I have to begin accepting me for who I am.

Hi, I'm derrick, I have no game and females turn me into a bumbling mute. Sure you may have sexual interest in me at first, but I can almost guarantee that I will do or say something to change your mind and make you disinterested in me. This is the skill I possess and I wield my weapon of mass disinterestingness rather well.

But fear not boys and girls, because every once in a while a glitch occurs in the universal fabric of space and time and by some unnatural fluke, I do occasionally get laid and that's what it's all about isn't it kids? I'm hoping someone will come along and appreciate my inner and outer loserness, preferably someone I'm sexually attracted to. This actually hasn't happened yet. I've had a few false alarms, but none of it was the real deal. *sigh*

So anyway enough about my loserness. I'm finally enrolled into my last two classes. A whole bunch of bullshit happened, where my E-Commerce senior project course got dropped due to low enrollment, so I had to email my academic advisor to see what classes if any could I substitute that class with otherwise I would have had to drag it out for yet another quarter and I would have to push my graduation date from November '04 to March '05 just for that one fucking course.

Fortunately a substitute class was available that I could enroll in, but the big problem was that I owed about $9,000 in back tuition. Fucking hell man, I totally miss the days of employee tuition reimbursement. =/ I had a few zero balance credit cards which covered about $4,000 and my mom helped me cover the rest. Man did that hurt, but at least I was able to enroll and it's almost over.

I have a bunch of other crap to bitch about too, but I'll save the rant for some other time since it's like 3:00am and I'm fucking getting tired. One last thing I do want to bitch about before I sign off is people who don't return their calls. It's called fucking courtesy and not leaving a friend twisting in the wind. I understand if people get busy and don't have much time, but really one phone call or e-mail acknowledging that you got the call and "sorry I can't talk right now but I'll call you maybe next week" goes a really fucking long way with me. To me it separates people you care about with people whom you don't really give a fuck about. I mean WTF, is it just me? Am I overreacting here? Yeah, so anyway, I'm out of here, until next entry at least.