I may have mentioned this before, I don't actually remember, but for the past few years, especially since Ray died my absolute favorite "Christmas" song has been this one:

Blink 182 - I Won't Be Home For Christmas

Outside the carolers start to sing
I can't describe the joy they bring
Cause joy is something they don't bring me

My girlfriend is by my side
From the roof are hanging sickles of ice
Their whiny voices get irritating
It's Christmas time again

So I stand with a dead smile on my face
Wondering how much of my time they'll waste
Oh God, I hate these Satan's helpers

And then I guess I must have snapped
Because I grabbed the baseball bat
And made them all run for shelter

It's Christmas time, again
It's time to be nice to the people you can't stand, All year
I'm growing tired of all this Christmas cheer

You people scare me
Please stay away from my home
If you don't get beat down
Just leave the presents and let me be alone

Well, I guess it's not cool to freak on Christmas Eve
Cause the cops came and arrested me
They had an unfair advantage

And even though the jail didn't have a tree
Christmas came a night early
Cause a guy named Bubba unwrapped my package

I won't be home, I won't be home for Christmas
I won't be home, I won't be home for Christmas

Usually, I snap out of it and get caught up in the Christmas cheer snatching up the last minute gifts and enjoying Christmas with my family. This year is going to be a challenge, I have neither the means nor the desire to make Christmas special this year. It's not so much that I'm not trying to be a "Scrooge", but it's difficult not to want to throw yourself in the nearest dumpster and just rot to hell when you don't have the means to buy a single gift or card and you don't have the will or desire to do anything about it. I don't know, maybe it's just me being overly dramatic about things. Whatever.

Once upon a time, when things were less bleak Christmas was a chance for me to spread joy. It's almost funny how my life has slowly been turning into an abomination of that idea. All I can do now is try my best to not spread the sadness that has crept into my heart and has somehow taken over my life. At the very least, keeping to myself is something I know I can do extraordinarily well. It kind of sucks when sorrow is the only emotion you have to offer.

Anyway, if you don't get a Christmas present or greeting or whatever from me, please don't take it the wrong way. It's not you really. I have some monster fucking issues in my head and it's not just about Christmas. I don't know life has just been feeling really fucked up lately. Part of me has always respected the cyclical nature of life, how sorrow seemed to be balanced with joy and vice-versa. Then suddenly things are thrown out of balance, a person close to you dies and leaves a huge void, things around you get thrown out of place and suddenly misfortune becomes the norm and loneliness is the only thing you become familiar with.

Honestly, it's been a struggle finding reasons to live, to be alive. Somewhere in the the back of my head I know that there is a reason my heart is still beating, but for the life of me I have no idea what that reason is. If anything life has shown me reasons not to live. Nobody should know this much pain, nobody should experience this much loneliness but it happens and when it starts happening on a constant basis the beauty of life is somehow lost or obscured to a point where all you see is ugliness. Life is just so fucking ugly right now.

I don't know what is keeping me alive right now. I think part of it is anger. It's like "Fuck You, I'm not going to eat this shit you keep shoveling to me. Why don't you eat it you fucking bastard!" Anyway I'm done with my rant, I think it's out of my system for now. I'm still trying to turn my life around. I guess it's only a matter of time before it actually turns...