Hey it's me, Derrick and I'm still here. I don't really have that much to say, but what I did want to do is bury that last entry, figuratively speaking of course. It was such a fucking downer, but I guess I just had to let it all out.

At this point not much has changed with my situation, but as I see it, I am the one with the most power to make any significant changes in my life. I'm not denying that there may be other factors, like the people around me and in my life and I'm not discounting factors out of my perception like god or karma or the universe.

What I do know is that if I really want change in my life, I have the power to put it in motion and if things aren't happening for me and I'm not doing anything about it I really don't have anyone to blame but myself. All the credit and all the blame concerning my life rests firmly on my shoulders and if I truly weren't strong enough to carry that burden then I honestly think I wouldn't be alive today to continue the struggle and the sacrifice to become whatever it is I am destined to become.

I don't claim to be happy or content with my life as it stands and I know that no matter how strong my will is, things cannot change with the snap of my fingers. What I do know is that I have both the means and the power to change things if I really wanted to.

The question is how much do I really want it? I have to figure out how to overcome the complacency that has overshadowed my life as of late. Life has become too easy, too restful, too boring and I feel like I've been sucked into the gravity of this "non-life" like a black hole. I've spent so much time looking for death that I somehow stumbled upon death in life.

Really, it's time for me to get the fuck out of it. Either I change my life or I accept the status quo. I guess I have a lot to think about and a whole lot more to do, so I'll just leave it all at that. Until next entry...