OK, I'm not sure why the song featured in my "Song of the Moment" section has been getting to me lately. Granted it's a catchy tune, but really it's been a long time since my heart has been put through the wringer in that way. As pathetic as it may seem, I guess it's been so long since I've been emotionally attached that I'm starting to miss any feeling attached to relationships, including feelings with heartache and heartbreak. I guess it's truly better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

I think a recent e-mail from one of my exes, the drop-dead gorgeous chick to be exact didn't help the situation much either. She sent me a bunch of snapshots of her recent newborn baby girl. I think part of me will always wonder, considering how deeply I had fallen for her, what exactly did I do or say to make her go in the opposite direction from me. I guess a part of me will always be bewildered and will just always wonder what was missing from me. Honestly, I wish I had better closure with her, I wish we sat down one time for a talk and maybe I could ask her to tell me what was wrong with me, why wasn't I good enough for her. Because now I'm kind of thinking that everything is wrong with me, and it's not a good feeling.

I guess my only consolation is that she wasn't in any of the pictures. It was just shots of a bunch of people I don't ever remember meeting, probably shots of in-laws and her husband holding the baby. I'm guessing that ms. former beauty queen experienced a healthy maternity weight gain and didn't allow herself to be photographed. Yeah I know it sounds a bit evil to think it, but if she isn't drop dead gorgeous anymore, then maybe I don't need to be so hung up on her anymore either. Hey it's just a thought. =p

Still, when it comes to the opposite sex, I know that my esteem is seriously fucked. Just last night I went out clubbing with a few friends. I think my level of game is at an all-time low. I have to look in a mirror to remind myself that I'm still relatively attractive, but even so, somehow I still somehow feel that I'm just not quite attractive enough. I still get the random, occasional glances from females but most of the time I don't get that second look and most of the time I dismiss myself as not being worthy of a second look. Then I see my cousin make his approach to two fine young women. A proper "wingman" would assume the formation, break off and engage the stray unit. I just stood there frozen like a dumb ass.

What's worse, I was making my way through a crowd and this cute drunk chick just comes up to me and starts dancing and trying to grind into me. Seriously I'm not sure what was going on in my mind, but I'm sure none of it was any good because I just continued making my way through the crowd. I guess somewhere in my head I was thinking that if she wanted to dance with me then she wanted to dance with anybody, which somehow made it not cool. If I were more of a man, I would have jumped on that opportunity, whether the girl had drunken-impaired judgment or not. That was just so fucking pathetic of me.

I don't know, I guess I just haven't been feeling like much of a man lately and I really need to start doing things to change my life before I becomes utterly hopeless case. Fuck, it's going to be a long and difficult struggle but derrick needs to get his mojo back...